Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

I guess this is a tough time of year for everyone here. We had a decent weekend I thought, but it had its moments. We were doing some shopping together and got the tree and everything. All relatively good, but it did have a sort of pretending feel to it. Living a lie a bit. Last night, W came home from being out with her mother. I was laying on the bed watching tv. She had a couple of things that she brought in with her. I heard her fumbling around a bit, and her stepfather was with her (he had given her a ride home). She said a few things to me. Not too far into the conversation she started getting angry at me that I didn't jump up to help her. I told her that she had never asked, so I thought she had it under control. Besides, the one major thing that the therapist talked about at our session was asking for what she wanted. Yet she continued to be angry at me telling me that I just didn't get it and she should have to ask me for help. She got a foot switch for the tree and while plugging it in she bumped her head. This is where she really let me have it for not helping her. My lack of help caused her to be clumsy and bump her head and knock ornaments off of the tree.

So, let's see, I'm a worthless guy because I didn't just jump up and help her when she came in. And this is somewhat indicative of why I'm a worthless husband - because I don't take care of her wants and needs without her having to ask (or take responsibility for at all). Oh, and I didn't express enough interest in what she had brought home or done (it didn't cross her mind to ask how I was doing, or that I might have been exhausted and that's why I wasn't as enthused as I might have been otherwise). What is all of this "proving" - what's the perpetual question here? And why, might I ask, is it still being asked?

I know that my place here is not to figure her out, but I do take an interest in doing so. I have learned (and this has been slow in coming, but is significant for my life) to truly detach from her emotionally and to not take this stuff personally - but even more importantly, I have taken to translating her attacks into healthly criticism and evaluate it from my own standpoint. She's right that I'm sometimes a bit careless, forgetful, messy, clumsy - but I accept myself this way even while I strive to be better. It doesn't make me less worthy of my love or her love to act so. And this is really my next point. The fact that she is using someone's actions (in this case mine) to determine their worth as a person shows that she has thinks this way about herself. It's an unreasonable paradigm, and I think it's very unhealthy. But, just because she thinks this way doesn't mean I have to follow her lead and think the same way about myself. Even when she accosts me and berates me with her rage about how messed up I am and how I don't act like a "normal" person, or I don't do things the way they "should" be done, I don't have to dialogue with myself in this way.

I have always accepted my W the way she is. That's what she used to like so much about being in a R with me. I still do, and because she doesn't like who she is now, she blames me for not pushing her. I continue to accept her - but I don't need her, and I don't need to be in a relationship with her. Now, why does she care to keep arguing the point that I'm not worthy of being her husband? Is it because she's still asking herself the question? Why is it that she's always annoyed that I don't act the way she expects? It seems that she's trying to control me and trying to get me to be more someone that she would like to be with. Well, it's confusing to say the least. I don't know where her head is regarding our relationship. I can't say that I really think she is starting to consider working things out (I don't think she's strong enough to either break up with OM or me right now - and I don't think she's strong enough to go through the hard work of peicing right now either). Best not to think about what may or may not come - but rather to focus on the constructive things I can take away from this all. Still at it, but after spending a lot of time together and feeling my desires surface a bit, it's difficult not to.