Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

You can't emotionally let her go enough to say "it's your choice" and then leave it to her. I know I struggled with this one at one time too. I was considering telling my W that she is free to spend as much time with OP as she wishes and that I won't stand in her way. My T suggested that I would be giving her permission to do something I view as immoral, how do I explain to my kids, when they're older, that Dad said it was OK for mommy to F around. I've left it to my W to make her decisions and live with her conscience around them. I, too, in the near future have to deal with my W's plans to spend a weekend with OP, it's tough. The choice is for me to say "if you go, don't come back" or allow her to make this choice in the hopes that the freedom it allows will help her recognize the wrong in what she is doing. If I stop her all she sees is me stopping her, she never looks at the A. It's a tough call. I choose to allow her choice and stay for my kids, but that's me right now. One day, I too, may have to draw the line as you feel you need to. Let me know how your T session goes tonight.

I'll post again about the session in more detail, but I wanted to respond to your point here. The last time she went, I told her I in no way condoned what she was doing, but I didn't impose consequences. This was later turned around (with her mother nodding her head in agreement after I made it very clear to her as well that I was in no way agreeing to this) saying that I was ok with what she was doing. I get the "your words said one thing but your actions said another." I refuse to leave any gray area this time. I am against this, and I don't want to be living with a woman who feels ok with running out to sleep with my cousin and actually does it. So, should she go, I will no longer live with her. Simple.

I am emotionally ok with her going. I'm not hanging on to her in a possessive way. Her priorities are screwed up. Our separation is contingent on her getting on her feet financially, which she's not doing, but she is spending her time trying to escape in fantasy. I can go either way at this point, I will consider working at rebuilding our marriage or I will move on and work towards a successful marriage with someone else. But she is keeping us in this state of limbo (I know I am keeping myself here contingent on her actions - it's my doing so I won't be resentful about it) and I refuse to accomodate her desire to go run off and have fun when she isn't doing the work she agreed to do. I'm not her father or her keeper, but I can clearly see where she's sabotaging her life and consequently mine, and I refuse to be a part of it. I will not cave on this.

The precedent has been set that if I'm not against them I'm with them. At least that's the way it's perceived. Knowing that, it does me no good to have my own justification and understanding.