Muddle's Waters V

[RBinBR]

As I've posted before, I think the fact that I have allowed her feelings to control me and have a track record of caving into her impulses, appeasing her, is a really bad thing to me. So, I can't provide her with the positive reinforcement that I'm getting better at being her husband by doing what she wants because she's going to steer this ship straight into the rocks if all I do is spend my life responding to her demands. And I'll have nobody to blame but myself for wasting my life doing so.

I told her that I was sorry she felt the way she did. She responded by telling me that I'm always so slick and sly about things like this. I appologize for her feelings but I don't take responsibility for causing them. I responded that I was sorry she felt the way she did, and I was sorry that my actions contributed to her feeling the way she did, but I didn't appologize for my actions because they were honest and genuine and had little to nothing to do with her

I give her too much room to abuse this gray area.

"I certainly don't mean to torture you and I am sorry it feels that way. I messed up dinner. Again, I am sorry you feel bad about this, and that you feel like a nut after interacting with me. It must be frustrating to come away from conversations feeling that way."

I placate her - I respond to her manipulative attempts to control me by allowing my fear of her withholding her love to overcome my rational perspective.
This has undermined her respect for me, my respect for myself, our financial status, our whole home environment and more.

Muddle, I haven't kept up with your sitch very well, but I see strong echoes of my own in this. I think you must stop apologizing now (completely). Stop allowing her to berate you. In my opinion, you have no chance to repair your R unless you start standing up for yourself and start taking charge of situations in a positive manner. Regaining her respect is essential, and it won't happen until you take back your own self-respect.

When you constantly allow someone else's feelings and moods to control you -- and you apologize for their feelings -- that's a definition of co-dependency. I say this as someone who was myself unknowingly co-dependent until a separation made me confront the fact.

Have you read David Cunningham's book? If not, email me at [e-mail] and I'll send it to you. I think it's essential reading for those like you in me who've lost our wives' respect.