Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks Whatis, but there's another issue there, and that is that my W gets enraged when I don't answer a set-up yes-no question directly, or at all. She wants to put me in a box, and either box is going to show me in a bad light. So in that situation, I thought it best to answer the way I did. If I don't answer the question I'm just put in another box! So, I will often answer a question with another question (which is a pet peeve of hers and infuriates her) or I'll speak my mind about something that I see as the real, deeper issue. Last night we were talking and getting somewhere - she asked me a question like that, a multiple choice question with no right answer, and I gave her my answer. I was leading somewhere and she refused to continue talking at this point. She lost control of the discussion and refused to continue. For lack of a better word, it's a no win situation. I am at a loss when it comes to finding a better way out of these traps. I think I'm getting somewhere in that I'm not swayed so much by her anger or intimidation. I stand my ground and give her an answer that I stand by.

GH, it's good to know you're standing by. Especially considering your transition into successful piecing. I too lurk on your thread, and it's great to see you doing so well. Have you ever read Ellis' work with Rationalism? You might find it worth reading. Hop in whenever you see the opportunity!

I find it so interesting that my W is able to hold and maintain the belief that I'm what's wrong with her life. I didn't think anyone, especially when they are under the care of a therapist, would hold such a view. But I guess it ties in quite neatly with my perception of the justification of a cheating spouse. Superficial facts can always be used to justify aversion. I feel bad, you're around me while I feel bad - therefore the causal leap is made, even though there's nothing substantiating it and there are multiple other ways of interpreting what's going on - so you must be what's wrong, and without whatever is wrong I'm going to be all right! Simple, straightforward, concise, understandable. A great worldview to hold if you want to be miserable. Love is an action, if you love yourself and others you will act positively and constructively in your life and in relationship with other people. There should be no difference who the person is, that good will and brotherly love should be there to some degree or another. This is why I draw a distinction between loving my W and being in a relationship with her. I will always love her, even if I decide that I would be better off without her. On the otherhand, my W's actions seem very destructive, if you work to eliminate things in your life, you work to destroy, even if what you destroy is dangerous or bad or even evil. If this is your focus, love doesn't really exist in you. If you look at this from a slightly different perspective, once you perceive something, you have molded a part of yourself in the image of this thing. In destroying it, you destroy a part of yourself. Not exactly an expression of self love, an element that is necessary for loving others. It's idealism, I know, but in striving for it, one does truly increase their capacity to love and the love they feel. It's amazing to me that here, 11 months later, I FEEL loved. No, my W doesn't do anything to love me, quite the opposite. I am putting it out there, and it comes back. Some parts of this journey are such a dark desperate pit, one that can trap you in the comfort of the suffering within, one that tempts you to dwell there. Yet, in the midst of all the negativity, I have found a joy, peace, and healthy happiness that is not dependant on others.