Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks guys. You know, marital problems are never one person's fault, so as long as they exist I have a job to do. I have to be productive and action oriented regarding my part in them.

Yesterday was a bit of a whirlwind. Everytime I interacted w/W she was nasty to me - angry, cold, distant, upset, miserable. Last night it all came out in a tirade, with her yelling and screaming at me. A couple of key points: "I'm only miserable when you're around, I'm fine in every other aspect of my life. You are what's wrong with my life, if I could just pluck you up and out of it I would be fine. I regret that you and I are joined in any way. I wish you weren't my son's father."

Well, yesterday was a bit of a rough day. I got up a bit late because we were home late after travelling. S4 got up even later - in fact I had to wake him up. He was miserable - crying and hypersensitive - so it was really difficult to get him dressed and ready for school. Well, we got out the door late, so late that I didn't even let S4 run downstairs to say goodbye (we were going to call from the car). And then the car doesn't start! It turns over and over but doesn't catch. Turns out it's not getting fuel. I checked a couple of things while S4 went in to tell W we were having trouble. No fuel to the rail, no priming of the pump, fuse is good. Fuel pump is down - damn, I just replaced it about a year ago. Well, after all my attempts to get it started, I can't. S4 is just above the weight limit on the bike seat I have, and he has outgrown his helmet. It's the only other form of transportation we have. I go inside and tell W that the car's not going to start and I'm unable to get S4 to school. I'm going to get on my bike and ride to work. W got really upset that she wasn't going to have the time alone that she was expecting. She was angry and resented me for the fact that things didn't go as she planned. I guess this is why she hated me all day. I had so much work to catch up on (still do) when I finally got to work. It was a full day. When I got home, water was boiling on the stove. I went downstairs to find W folding laundry, looking really pissed and flustered. I asked her how she was doing and she responded with a really nasty "how do you think - I'm great, really great". I noticed that she was in the process of IMing with OM too. Well, I had to use the bathroom, so I went upstairs. W seemed really upset, but I stayed detached from her mood. S4 came upstairs and after a bit I asked him to go downstairs and ask mommy if she would like me to make dinner (since the water was boiling when I walked in and she wasn't making any effort to do anything - and she seemed so stressed and unhappy). He came up and told me that she had said yes, and that he wanted fiori (he picked this out at the store himself and has been relatively obsessed with having it since!). So I made it for him. Later, I came to find that W had planned to cook something else and she was angry that I had made what I did. After I put S4 to bed, I talked with W a bit. This was preceded by some texting:

W: Oh & your completely incompetent wife forgot to get bread at the store and S4 wanted clementines too.
M: I don't have an incompetant wife.
W: No, just a crazy one, right?
M: No, I married a wonderful woman that I consider myself very lucky to have known. She has tought me more about life, love and myself than I thought possible.
W: Then why do you insist on torturing me? I planned all day what to have for dinner & you ruined it. yet I'm the one feeling awful as usual. I'm fine until you try to "help". And then I get blamed for everything & treated like I'm some kind of nut.
M: I certainly don't mean to torture you and I am sorry it feels that way. I messed up dinner. Again, I am sorry you feel bad about this, and that you feel like a nut after interacting with me. It must be frustrating to come away from conversations feeling that way. Thanks for sharing your feelings with me.

I got a book while we were away called "What to do when someone you love is depressed" that has been somewhat helpful to read. W saw it and seems to find some pleasure in telling me that I got it too late - our relationship is over, so I shouldn't bother. "Maybe your next wife will be depressed too, so it will serve some purpose." One of the things they talked about in the book is that depressed people are often looking for help even if they don't seem to be (in the case of suicides, people are ambivalent to the very end and if offered help, they generally take it - hence emergency phones on bridges that go directly to mental health hotlines). At one point she was so crazed that I asked her if she would like to go to the hospital. I think this is why she felt like a nut. After things calmed down I explained to her that she has complained that I didn't do more in regard to her depression, and that now I was trying to be sensitive to it and act appropriately. I told her that I want to be there for her because I care about her, regardless of where our relationship goes. She told me that I don't know how to love her and that I never have. But I think I got through to her a bit. I ran out to get a salad and a sandwich and when I got back, she asked me to eat with her. She even invited me to sit on her bed with her (something she never does - she usually gets mad when I sit on her bed), and she seemed to enjoy a bit of closeness. She later told me that she doesn't want to fight with me.

All in all, I feel like it was a bit of progress. There was some resolution to our conflict. It's still somewhat confusing to me as to how to approach this all - I'm a bit frustrated by where I am intellectually, spiritually and otherwise relative to my sitch. There's such a stark contrast, and the tendency is to want to blame the disparity on my W. I can't do that. I know there are gaps in my own worldview. While my W has her issues, and they are spread out all over the table, mine are there too, and I need to make sure I don't use the fact that her issues exist and are at the forefront of this sitch to excuse myself from working on mine. All I know is that I am happy while I'm with my W or without. I will not allow anyone or anything to take that away from me. I take that as proof that I'm headed down the right path. I may end up on it without my W, I can't control that, but I'm headed the right way.