Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Well, it's been a while and I need to do some journaling. I might have to do this in several installments because I'm sure there's a lot to put down.

We went to my FIL's for Thanksgiving. It was a bit of a crazed experience. On Wednesday, W took the initiative to pack - leaving my stuff to me for the most part. I threw what I needed in the suitcase that night (we weren't leaving until about noon on Thursday). Thursday morning, I got up and made breakfast for S4, emptied the dishwasher, etc. W got up and came upstairs and almost immediately laid into me telling me that I don't care about her feelings because I didn't have everything done that she thought I should have. She told me that I know that she gets nervous about flying and I should have done something to prevent her from doing so. I told her that we had plenty of time before we had to leave and that everything would be taken care of. She wasn't happy to hear this. The interesting thing is that while this happened I was in the middle of cleaning the bathroom because I know she likes to come home to a clean house - ironic, huh? Well, everything was ready more than 30 minutes before we had to leave, no rushing. She used this incident to illustrate that I don't care about her, and told me that this is why she doesn't like traveling with me. I didn't do much in the way of arguing with her, but I told her that everything would be taken care of and she shouldn't worry about a thing. She did worry and she blamed her worry on me. Mind you, she took a xanax (or some kind of anti-anxiety pill) at about 9 in the morning.

Travelling worked out pretty well. W kept things under control for the most part, and the flight was enjoyable. We got there in the evening and we had little time to do anything that night. There are two extra rooms in the house, 1 for S4 and one for us. We put S4 to bed in his room, and later my W moved him into bed with me and took his bed. The next morning he expressed a bit of confusion as to why he was in bed with me and mommy was in his bed, which was echoed later in the evening. When W and I went up to go to bed I expressed my concern that this wasn't good for S4 to be shuffled around like he was. She got angry and yelled (at low volume so her father wouldn't hear her) at me telling me that I was trying to manipulate her into bed with me. I was certainly not doing this, but it's telling that she thinks this is the case. She told me that I was forcing her to sleep on the floor. I told her that I didn't care where she slept, she was welcome to sleep in the bed with me, but I wasn't asking her to do so. I wished her a good night as she went to sleep on the floor in our son's room. She started texting me shortly after:
W: You're a hateful spiteful person
M: I hope you have a good night. My concerns were and are for S4, not you or us. I thought I was clear about that. If I was not, please understand that now.
W: I guess your ego must be bruised since I'd rather sleep on the floor than with you. Clearly, since you didn't have the nerve to bring it up all day. I don't buy your BS.
M: Sleep well.
W: I won't but who cares, definitely not you.
M: Good night. Sorry you are upset.
W: Sorry you're a huge jerk pretending to be a nice guy.
M: Good night.
W: Make sure you get the last word.
She came in to argue with me shortly after this. She kept pushing the ego-bruising part, which clearly showed that she wants to hurt me. I think she is pretty confident that if she hurts me, I'll respond in a vindictive, P/A way and then be the bad guy. So she's nasty and tries to hurt me in order to produce some negativity from me. I think it just kills her that I don't respond that way - if I don't hurt and respond with some negative emotion, she thinks I don't care and that in turn means that she doesn't matter. Which drives her deeper and deeper down.

Well, I have continued to treat her with kindness, despite her blow ups. I'm starting to resent it more and more. I'm detached from it, so it's not an angry reaction. I understand that she's going through a lot, but her natural reaction is to treat me like crap, to try and hurt me because she's unhappy. She's more interested in passing on the misery than actually being happy. Ok, more a little later. . .