Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Yes, I think there is some improvement, but I'm not sure it's going in the right direction. I know I can do better when it comes to rescuing my W from her feelings (this came up in therapy - the counselor recognized that my W resents me because I didn't recognize that she was as depressed as she now thinks she was after the birth of our son and do something to change it - the counselor pointed out all that I was doing and was going through myself, and told her that her expectation was unreasonable). This counselor has touched on this a couple of times in the past too - that she blames other people (mostly me) for the way she feels, and her feelings dictate her actions. In fact, she has this idea that her feelings are acted upon in a predictable way and anyone that makes her feel a certain way intended to do so, or was careless. For instance, my mother invited us to dinner - she was making pork chops (which my W doesn't eat) and she was planning on accomodating my W by making chicken too. My W chose not to come because "if your mother wanted me to come she would have made something I can eat, not made something special for me to accomodate me." My mother going out of her way for my W resulted in my W feeling embarrassed of her decision to eat nothing but chicken, and she blames my mother for causing this embarrassment. She expects the world to take responsibility for her feelings and is so willing to put it onto other people that if I refuse to do so and let her feel the full weight of the consequences when her choices screw her over, then it's going to do nothing but feed her stockpile of resentment. Well, the choice I have to make is an easy one. Appeasing her to try and prevent the growth of this resentment hasn't worked. I also don't want to be in a relationship where my W is dependant on me for her feelings and wellbeing. So, I need to take the risk that by not accepting responsibility for her feelings (not trying to remedy her negative emotive states) I will push her further away. So that's where I stand - ultimately, she's going to feel the consequences of her choices and either she's going to have no one but her resentful mother standing by her, or she's going to see the reality of a good relationship - one that has responsibility built into it and isn't just feeling fluff - as a safe place to be.

It's interesting though, to be here, 10+ months in. There's a different vantage point, almost a sense of security in the state of affairs. I think she feels it too - she said something last time we talked about things about how this is going to be a long process (the divorce). Then she started getting into how it must be hell for me because it's been so long and that she wouldn't use it against me if I went and found someone to screw! I told her she was the only one I would consider. There's much less stress in me, and no panic. I realize that the worst dynamic (at least from my vantage point) that I have responsibility in is me allowing myself to be controlled by my fear of rejection was amplified to extremes by this whole scenario. It has really allowed me to overcome my fear (because really, could outright rejection be worse than the misery of the past several months? I don't think so) and has given me a fairly secure place to work on making good choices and following through, regardless of the feelings involved. Well, I'm still working on that.

Thanks again for checking in Whatis!