Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

Thanks for checking in Whatis. I'm doing ok - had a busy weekend. As far as the M goes, there hasn't been any r talk of late, but last time we did talk W asked me "you aren't still hoping that things will work out between us, are you?" I told her that I wasn't sure that hope was the right word - I was doing my best to keep myself open to it should it come up. We have been getting along a lot better, it seems mostly that she's taken the initiative to stop taking out her anger on me. I wish there was more I could take credit for, but her statement from a while back of "how come when I'm nice to you we get along" still resonates loudly with me. I've been working on my "niceness" recently, trying to eliminate the fear motivation. This is something that really concerns me about my participation in any power struggle - and I want to change that for my sake. The idea is that people are nice because of their fear of being rejected. The end result in this sick relationship dynamic is that I cater to my W's aggressive attempts to remedy her emotive state and BOTH of us are controlled by her emotions and neither of us is satisfied by what we're doing (my wife moreso). I need to stop believing (far more difficult than just understanding this truth) that I can earn her love and respect through compliance. My biggest problem here is that I rationalize taking these actions on my part as acts of kindness - I don't want to stop being a kind person, but I need to be sure that my kindness is always a gift, not seen as part of a bargain.

So I have been working on this, but sometimes I have a hard time keeping up my end. For example, we were planning to go to a parade on Sunday - and I went to the gym and took S4 with me before. I got home, jumped in the shower and got ready. My W knocked on the bathroom door and asked me what the plan was (this was after we talked about going, and that it started at 12, both mid-week and before I went to the gym). She had just gotten out of the shower herself and when I told her we were leaving in a few short minutes she got upset saying that she didn't have time to get ready. Anyway, I was going to go, but I kept telling her that I was willing to wait for her. I think this was my mistake (even though she was doing all she could to rationalize it to be my fault the whole time: "you didn't tell me", "I thought since you were going to the gym you weren't going to go"), and I should have just left and told her "too bad you weren't ready" and let her feel the full effects of her bad planning. In the end she didn't come, S4 and I had a great time - but she was standing in the doorway with tears in her eyes when we left. I am getting better, but I still try to make her feel better. Doesn't really seem to make much sense when it comes to saving a marriage to stop being nice - but then on the other hand, it makes perfect sense!