Muddle's Waters V

[MuddleThrough]

It's been over a week since I posted. I seem to have made some progress in the past several days, at the very least in my own understanding. There has been a bit of feedback that leads me to believe that this is true as well.

Last Thursday I told my parents about what has been going on for the past 10 months. They were surprised to know what it was and who was involved, but they were very calm and understanding. They seemed to have a bit of a difference in opinion regarding the future of the marriage ranging from "do you think there's going to be a custody battle" to "these things happen in marriages, maybe if you just wait it out it will get better." In the end they both agreed to keep an open mind regarding my W and recognize that she's a human being like the rest of us that's just trying to find a way to be happy. They supported my decision to remain open to reconciliation and agreed to keep themselves open to this as well. Overall, I'm glad that I talked to them. It's good to be supported and I feel that they understand the situation with a clarity that others may not, and they value my perspective and approach.

This is not to say that they aren't concerned, hurt and probably pretty angry. They contacted my aunt and uncle via email to let them know that they know about the situation. There has been a bit of back and forth because my cousin seems to have gotten his parents off of his back by allowing them to believe that communication between him and my W had stopped or was petering out. Well, they are going to or have already talked to him again. I don't know what kind of impact this will have on the affair - it could go either way. My aunt made it sound like he was pretty trapped in this situation and was depressed. She acknowledged the futility of it all (there's certainly no future in a relationship between them) and seemed to present that my cousin recognized this and it was part of what made things so difficult for him.

She also commented about how he thinks that I have not kept an eye open for my W's needs. This is the biggest issue for me in our marriage because I accomodate her so much on a day to day level that I have little left to "mind read" and meet other needs she may have. I think this is an issue of her lack of responsibility for her own basic needs and wants - she doesn't do for herself - and a lack of asking for what she wants in the relationship department. I know I can't put all the blame on her for this, but if this is my biggest offense, I think it's truly a crock. I think the only way for me to change this dynamic is to stop doing for her, and I'm not sure that this is in my nature - especially when I'm also accused of only ever thinking about myself. Well, I've encouraged her to do things to make her more independant, and she seems pretty intent on this if only for the purpose of separating and divorcing. It's slow going though.

Now, on to the good stuff. W has started texting me and calling me. She's still downstairs, but sometimes we'll watch the same show and she'll call or text to talk about it. I think this is significant because she is reaching out, however minimally, to me. I've been referring to her using pet names again, but I've been making it perfectly clear that I'm happy to live my life without her - I appreciate her but I certainly don't need her. She has been making dinner more often - I'm somewhat suspicious of her motivations - but I'm appreciating it and the family time we get to spend. I wonder whether the fact that she's contributing in this way is actually making her feelings of love towards the family grow, or if she's doing it resentfully and it's contributing to her stores of hate fuel (a cynical - but maybe realistic - part of me thinks that she's practicing for OM because his XGF always cooked for him). Either way, there's a lot to appreciate, and I make it my responsibility to do so.