Well, I figure I should update this sitch, but there's not a whole lot to say. I am somewhat up and down and back and forth about my desires for the future. My W has been somewhat up and down, but we had parent teacher day yesterday and we both went, and this sparked a little bit more closeness. At least I felt it. She seems to be trying harder with regard to mothering, and though I'm happy to see this, it makes things difficult for me. I know she's nowhere near ready to end the affair (even though she's often crying after conversing via IM with OM), and even if she were, she's trying her best to give me the impression that she wouldn't want anything to do with me. Not that I've brought up the topic at all. She said something to me on Wednesday about how I'm only nice to her or care about her feelings when she's crying - she had black lines down her face after a conversation with OM (she was going to be cooking dinner with her friend, but it ended up her friend cooking dinner to facilitate her talking to OM while our S was watching a movie on TV). I know this isn't true - maybe she notices it more because she feels vulnerable and regards my attention differently, but I have tried in the past couple of days to obviously have a good time with her and our family when she's in a good mood, and I have given her massages and been otherwise affectionate towards her while she's been relatively happy. One time I even gave her a hug, to which she responded by leaving her arms hangning limply by her side. I felt anger in my internal reaction - the rejection I felt at that was hurtful, but I reminded myself that she needs to reject someone in order to feel powerfull, or feel like she has any self worth. I guess.

It's a sad, sad situation. While we were at Ss school the teacher said what we hear SO often from people that S4 is such a sweet, happy, loving boy and miles ahead intellectually. They ALWAYS attribute it to his home environment and say that we are doing such a good job. It's good to hear, but it's also very painful given the current situation. I wonder if this has any impact on my W. I doubt it at the moment.

I just keep living my life, being a good dad, and a good man to my W. I'm trying not to hope and not to give up hope at the same time. Something's got to give.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein