Well, TL, I see your parallels here, but there are some significant differences. My W seemingly has completely made up her mind to leave but doesn't seem to have the strength of self to do what it takes to actually do so (I say she's entirely made up her mind, yet she still is so focused on proving she's made the right choice by looking for justification in every interaction - this doesn't seem to demonstrate her supposed certainty, does it?). I think this is a really significant event in her life regarding her self esteem, as her lack of action is due more to lack of trust in her abilities and lack of willingness to risk trying (funny though that she had no issue with taking action on making the EA into a PA - I guess the good feelings clearly outweighed the potential for good feelings in this case).

The really troubling thing is that my MIL has now seemingly taken my W's side and is "helping" her get stuff she needs to do done. My W complains about how dependant she is, yet does nothing to become independant. It's pretty clear to me that she doesn't want to be independant, she just doesn't want to be dependant on me - her system works, it's just that I'm just an improperly shaped cog . So her mother, who often spoke about her daughter's unwillingness to take on responsibility and grow into an adult herself, has jumped on the pity train and picked up the cause herself. Now she's going to do all that needs doing for her or with her and take away this great opportunity for her to finally do for herself. Well, my wife learned it somewhere. . .

I feel like I'm really falling into a trap here of looking down at my wife. I know I'm not just making it up that she's in a low place in her life. It's clear that she's looking for any opportunity to play the victim of my hurtful intentions in a way that's transparent and also a bit nutty. We had a discussion with my MIL and step-FIL as mediators about finances over the weekend and I said something about it being a priveledge to live where we are for her and for me. She immediately took that as me saying that she didn't deserve to live there and that she shouldn't live there. My step-FIL cleared up what was said and said something to her about how this is an example of the sensitivity that they were talking about earlier. I couldn't have said it any more clearly that what I was saying applied to both of us. She chose to see it as me saying something that was intended to hurt her, or rather she wanted to be hurt by it so that she'd have one more reason to justify leaving me. And at this point, I have a hard time finding much desire for her not to left in me. I keep thinking that this is who she is now, a person she was earlier in life, and while healing and growth may be possible, I can't force it and I don't know whether it will happen on its own and I have no idea if I'll mesh with that person in any way in the future. I keep thinking that I have so little in common with her regarding the ways we interact with the world - I want someone to love it with me, to try new things with, not to hide away from everything with. I don't want to be with someone that victimizes herself with her own fear, restricting her own potential and then looking for someone else to blame when the consequences of this decision come to fruition. I wonder if a therapist pointing all of this out and offering a solution will yield a goal that she'll actually work towards, or if she'll avoid all the real, hard work, and then blame the therapist when no REAL change occurs.

I vowed to not turn my back on her. This is where I'm having my trouble. I feel like I am inside, like I'm abandoning her in her time of real need. I know I can't save her, and by not trying, I *might* actually be doing something to help her, she'll have to rely on herself (if her mother will let her, which I doubt). I do still have the door cracked open a bit, but for the most part I've turned to look towards a new world full of potential, thrilled to have the opportunities that I do now and the potential for new experiences ahead of me. I'm excited, not scared (well of course there's unknowns about how this process will play out). There's so much to appreciate about this life and world. I will not fail myself or my son - even if I may have failed my wife. I have to accept that even though the playing field wasn't level and she made decisions in how she dealt with her life that precluded my ability to remedy my mistakes, I failed in the opportunity I had to make a great marriage out of my relationship with this woman. I take a lot away from this experience, so I don't regret this failure for my sake, but for my son's and for my W's. I know a bit reason for the failure of our M lies in the fact that my W expected and needed something more out of our relationship than is possible, but I failed to recognize this until it was too late, and I also failed to appreciate (sometimes) the priveledge I enjoyed in spending the part of my life I did with this woman.

I just hope that on some level I'm not justifying turning away by making things out to be what they're not. I hope I have kept my mind open and have learned from what I could and will continue to do so. I hope I'm wrong that she's not the one for me right now - I really hope I am - but I have no control over that, and I need to keep living my life as the together man that I am becoming. I will be someone who will mean the world to another (besides my son of course). I wish my W well - it's truly her life now to make or break. I will not interfere. I hope she takes on the responsibility for what is hers and decides to build a great life for herself, something she's proud of and can truly love. I think there's nothing more I can give her - everything she wants is within her own personal boundaries. I hope she can grasp it and hang on.

“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ”
– Albert Einstein