Muddle's Waters V

[toughlover]

Muddle

I had already started the change. We were temporarily separated for two months while we made a complicated move to a new city two hours away. I'd go home on weekends.

Being by myself all week during that time really got to me. Despite my anger, my life revolved around my family, my W, my kids lives, sports, family stuff.

That's the rub in my sitch...I had started trying, but she was having none of it, and I couldn't understand why, and that sense of helplessness (and ensuing hopelessness) ended up kicking the anger back into gear. I thought, if I could try as hard as I was, and it still does not good, then what's the point. I've said before that I was headed for my own MLC (was kinda already there) when my W dropped the bomb.

I do think it sometimes takes hitting rock bottom, or getting pretty close, to close the deal. I think she could have accomplished the same thing years ago just by forcing the issue, or by separating briefly by maybe living with her parents or something until I straightened up. Of course, she didn't, for character issues of her own.

I can honestly say in my sitch I was always waiting for my W to come to me and just say she was sorry for the things she'd done to hurt me (pre-affair). I always wanted to make everything up to her, but I made it all contingent on HER making the first move. When I finally got around to making the first move, it was really too late. So when she dropped the bomb, none of that mattered anymore.

I just wanted her and I and our kids to live under the same roof and truly be a family. I didn't think that would happen. I figured she was gone. I'm a Christian and figured she was out of here and the only thing left for me to do was get right with God and be strong and loving and together for my kids.

Then when she saw what I was doing she said she was willing to recommit fully and do whatever it took. She followed my lead, which I think restored an important dynamic to our M...namely, that I was no longer tying my well-being or my behavior to what I got or didn't get from her. And that I was showing her the way through both her mess and our mess.

She initiated and maintained NC with OM. We got into MC.

There's a lot of hurt and pain we're dealing with. But we're dealing with it, so it CAN happen when both parties are finally motivated and committed at the same time. I'm almost hesitant to say that about us, cause I've seen a pretty rapid improvement in the last 6 weeks and am afraid expect too much or talk too big.

But all of the stuff that seemed to make it so easy for me to get angry at her is just gone. It's not so much that I have to fight it, it's just not there.