Hoping For A Miracle - New Here

[lemondrop]

Haven't had a chance to catch up, so this will be a long one -- sorry.

Cat - I am hoping that H has gotten something out of 5LL and I will eventually see it. It's nice to know he's not the only one who doesn't communicate about such things!

Shelly – I had meant to post my positive development a few days ago, but I have been swamped at work this past week, so I am just now getting back here to post. Now, though, I am not sure how positive this really is . . . It actually started out quite badly:

I had been doing pretty badly about a week and a half ago. Work has been tough lately – one partner I work for has been very demanding, and I have been having a hard time concentrating as well as I should, so I have been lacking a bit in confidence at work lately. In addition, I have been tired as the kids haven’t been sleeping well, and S3 has been very needy lately in the evenings. He has been asking me to quit working and stay home with him all the time (not sure what has brought that on as H and I have, I thought, completely hidden our issues from S3). Anyway, H had been really annoying about making me reimburse him for things like groceries when he had paid for them out of his separate checking rather than the joint account, AND I had seen that he set up that new investment account that I previously posted about. AND, he recently purchased some hunting gear and gas for his car out of the joint account and didn’t offer to reimburse the joint account for those things. AND, I found a receipt printed out for a $900+ office chair. I was feeling really suspicious that he has just been hanging out, biding his time until he had enough money saved to buy a place of his own (which he had mentioned he wanted to do back in the summer)(although if he really wanted to save, he should get out of his $815/mo lease on an apartment that he is not even using). I thought that the chair was either for his apartment or the future new place, or that he was going to put it in our house, but then that even more pissed me off that he is buying his own stuff out of the joint account (but making a big deal about getting reimbursed for grocery $), but then spending a lot of money on a chair when he doesn’t even have a desk job where he needs to be comfy!

So, on 12/2, we were watching tv after the kids went to bed. I have no idea how we got on this topic, but H stated that one of the things that he had complained about that I hadn’t yet addressed was the fact that -- I kid you not – our closets are disorganized. And he wondered when I was going to deal with that. Well, I had had a particularly difficult day at work, and I just lost it. Totally bad DBing: I started crying, told him how I barely sleep as it is trying to do everything around the house that he wants me to, take care of all the kid stuff (especially when he’s on a trip), do more things for him to show him I care, work my more than full time job . . . and yet (per his complaints), I am not supposed to ever complain or be negative (which I havent’ been). Then I said that I have been doing all this without any words of encouragement or hope from him, and that I don’t know where I stand with him at all, and that I am really worried about my career right now on top of it and I could use some support right now rather than further criticism.

He totally ignored my comment about not knowing where our R/M stood, but he did offer some encouragement about my work issues. He also sort of vaguely said, “keep doing what you’re doing; I know you’re trying.” Not really clear if this was referring to our R issues, too, or just work.

Anyway, last week, on Wednesday, the $900 chair was delivered. H was on a trip. I TM’d him that a big package had come for him and it appeared to be some sort of furniture (said so on the outside of the box). I told him it was too heavy for me to lift on my own, but that I pushed it into the garage. He called me back later, and when I questioned him on it, he said that it was my Christmas present. Ok. So, that’s the positive – he got me a present (and an expensive one). He said he knew work had been tough and my back has been really hurting so he thought we could bring this to my office, as my firm would never buy me this nice of a chair. So, he was trying to be thoughtful. Not exactly the gift I would have picked (I would have picked a spa day!), but I saw this as a positive because spending money is a big deal for H. Now, though, I wonder if he just felt bad that work has been so hard on me and/or he just felt bad about not getting me anything for my birthday last month (which I also complained about when I had my little breakdown). He hasn’t really been any nicer to me in any other way since then. In fact, he was fairly short with me on the phone yesterday. And we haven’t had any further dates since the one in early November - more for lack of time, though. I would love to try to squeeze a date in before Christmas, but I don't know if that will happen.

Over the last few days I have decided that after the New Year I am going to ask him to tell me where he’s at, that if he’s still trying to decide, that’s ok, but I need to know what the status is. I need to think about what words to use so it doesn't come off as if I am pressuring or as an ultimatum.

I still have this nagging feeling that he’s decided to leave me, but is waiting till the time is right for him financially to do it. I hope I’m wrong, but I guess I am afraid to be optimistic and then get knocked down. I know that bringing up the R isn’t good DBing, but we haven’t talked about it in over 2 months now and it will be over 3 months by early January. I just hope I can hold my tongue till then. I am just tired of trying to be perfect all the time (which obviously isn't possible, so I am setting myself up to fail).

Ok, so this doesn't overall sound like that positive of an update, but the Christmas gift is the best sign I've had in almost a year that he actually cares about me at all.

Will try to get around to some other people's threads later today. Lemon

[lemondrop]

Journaling: Having an ok week with H. He has been home the last three days and has thanked me for some of the things I have done (that represent changes/things he's complained about in the past). We decorated our Christmas tree last night as a family. I decided to act "as if" and put up our "First Christmas" (couple) and "First House" ornaments. S3 (almost 4) had a blast. I spent alot of time trying to keep the baby from pulling the whole tree down! H didn't decorate with us last year at all. I think he did it this year because S3 asked him to, but it turned out to be a nice family activity. I just pray that we will still be a family next Christmas.

[cat03]

Hey hon, my prayers w/you. I too remember the 2nd month, thinking it was sheer hell not knowing where we stand, and H tellingme "just live your live, go on your business'
I did have the "where are we now" after 6mths, if you are getting sick over it just do it, in the most calm way you can muster, 70% of our language is our body language. Hang in there gal, glad to hear he did buy you something and you didn't jump to conclusions.
About the checking acct, if he is being picky about it then just post all transactions somewhere you both have access to, the ones where he buys stuff just for himself.

[nodivorceplease]

lemon-

I think you are doing awesome and I really see a lot of positives in your sitch. I know it's hard to keep it all together under so much stress. The chair is a very thoughtful gift! I think it's great that you stood up for yourself when your H asked you about the closet. I will pray for you that you will still be a family next year as well! I have also been thinking about how my life might be by next Christmas. I have to remember that no matter what the outcome of my M, God has a plan for my life.

Shelly

[lemondrop]

Thanks for the prayers, Shelly -- I'll be praying for you as well.

Cat - I am leaning toward some kind of a "talk" after the New Year. We do both have access to postings of the joint account on line. All the money shenanigans are annoying. Money is a big sore spot with H - he has said that he has felt financially dependent on me, and didn't like it, thus he wanted to be "out on his own" for a while (yet he still spends most of his time at our house, not his apartment). For me, money has never been a big deal, but now, given our precarious R situation, I feel like I need to pay more attention and watch out for myself/my assets. I just hate having to think that way! Thanks for checking in on me - I appreciate the support.

Journaling: A small positive yesterday. I got a small hug from H and a thank you for my efforts to cook a nice dinner (rather than getting takeout) after a long day at work. H hardly ever initiates any physical contact, so it's a good baby step.

[cat03]

glad to hear that hon! I'm sure he wouldnt' try something really stupid knowing you have an eye on the bank acct. My H cleaned our savings since he was in charge of the money, I never knew what happened until much later, so , yes, you should always be cautious.

I'm glad there are some baby steps

[nodivorceplease]

Lemon-

I see lots of baby steps on your H's part. A hug and a thank you is very positive. Also, the fact that he is not staying at his apt. is a very positive sign. Hang in there! This doesn't sound like a man who is planning to leave you. Enjoy the holidays and then have your talk with him like you are planning. I wish you the best!

Shelly

[lemondrop]

Journaling - Weekend was a little stressful, as we had "early" Christmas with my inlaws, who are just not my favorite people. I thought H and I got along pretty well, though I did get a little snippy/complainy with him (one of his complaints about me -- that I was always negative/complaining about things) because I was extremely tired (stayed up very late Friday nite wrapping gifts, making food). Last nite I fell asleep early - H was in a snarly mood this morning. Hoping that now that the time with the ILs is over, we can have a nice week/Christmas weekend. I will try to be more upbeat tonight. Took my car (big SUV) in for a 15,000 mile service today -- they gave me a cute, little sportscar as a loaner. I haven't driven a cute, little car in years -- I always have my huge car, or some boring rental if I am on a business trip. Funny how something as small as driving a zippy little car can lift your spirits a bit!

[lemondrop]

Well, we had a good Christmas, but I couldn't be a perfect DB'er. I just couldn't wait anymore to ask H where our R/M stood. We haven't talked about it since early October. I told him that I just needed to know what he was thinking. He said that things HAD improved, but he is not willing to give up his apartment yet (I guess he sees that as an escape hatch of sorts). He also said he has not made a final decision about whether or not he is willing to recommit to our M. While it hurts me alot that he is still unwilling to try after all my efforts, at least he admitted that things have improved. Honestly, I am starting to be resentful, as I have tried so hard to address all of his complaints, and he has done virtually NOTHING to address the things that I didn't like about how things were that had to do with him? But, at least he acknowledged that I have made a lot of positive changes. He still had more complaints, though -- he mentioned the stupid closets again, for example. Then he brought up that we have never finished decorating our house the way we want to -- like this has anything to do with our R -- to me, these are superficial things that he should have just as much responsibility for as me. But, he sees everything as my fault and my responsibility. He expects me to be superhuman, and I just can't be. I am beginning to believe that he will never be happy with me. I did not express this to him, though. I told him that he should take whatever time he needed to decide what he wants to do, and that I still wanted our M and for our family to remain intact. He did acknowledge that he is a poor communicator and said it would be ok for me to ask where things stood again in another month or so. He is still unwilling to do counseling.

So, all in all, somewhat of a positive result -- at least it was an improvement over the last R conversation. I am not sure if I belong in this forum anymore since H is no longer staying at his apt. at all. On the other hand, we're not really Piecing, as he hasn't committed to do so. I think I may start posting in MLC (did I forget to mention that he bought a new motorcycle this past Friday? He did call me from the dealership to ask me first if I was ok with it, and he got a good trade on his 1999 motorcycle).

Anyway, just wanted to update -- I am still hoping that things will be different, and that I will feel that my M is on solid ground by this time next year.

[cat03]

hey hon, I hope the samem thing too. It does sound like MLC w/the motorcycle and him worring about the looks of the house.
I hope eventually he sees what HE has to do to help heal the M. Don't come up to any conclusions yet, if he truly is MLC you are not to believe half he says and you shouldnt' let his negativity drag you down.

Stay strong hon)))