Haven't had a chance to catch up, so this will be a long one -- sorry.
Cat - I am hoping that H has gotten something out of 5LL and I will eventually see it. It's nice to know he's not the only one who doesn't communicate about such things!
Shelly – I had meant to post my positive development a few days ago, but I have been swamped at work this past week, so I am just now getting back here to post. Now, though, I am not sure how positive this really is . . . It actually started out quite badly:
I had been doing pretty badly about a week and a half ago. Work has been tough lately – one partner I work for has been very demanding, and I have been having a hard time concentrating as well as I should, so I have been lacking a bit in confidence at work lately. In addition, I have been tired as the kids haven’t been sleeping well, and S3 has been very needy lately in the evenings. He has been asking me to quit working and stay home with him all the time (not sure what has brought that on as H and I have, I thought, completely hidden our issues from S3). Anyway, H had been really annoying about making me reimburse him for things like groceries when he had paid for them out of his separate checking rather than the joint account, AND I had seen that he set up that new investment account that I previously posted about. AND, he recently purchased some hunting gear and gas for his car out of the joint account and didn’t offer to reimburse the joint account for those things. AND, I found a receipt printed out for a $900+ office chair. I was feeling really suspicious that he has just been hanging out, biding his time until he had enough money saved to buy a place of his own (which he had mentioned he wanted to do back in the summer)(although if he really wanted to save, he should get out of his $815/mo lease on an apartment that he is not even using). I thought that the chair was either for his apartment or the future new place, or that he was going to put it in our house, but then that even more pissed me off that he is buying his own stuff out of the joint account (but making a big deal about getting reimbursed for grocery $), but then spending a lot of money on a chair when he doesn’t even have a desk job where he needs to be comfy!
So, on 12/2, we were watching tv after the kids went to bed. I have no idea how we got on this topic, but H stated that one of the things that he had complained about that I hadn’t yet addressed was the fact that -- I kid you not – our closets are disorganized. And he wondered when I was going to deal with that. Well, I had had a particularly difficult day at work, and I just lost it. Totally bad DBing: I started crying, told him how I barely sleep as it is trying to do everything around the house that he wants me to, take care of all the kid stuff (especially when he’s on a trip), do more things for him to show him I care, work my more than full time job . . . and yet (per his complaints), I am not supposed to ever complain or be negative (which I havent’ been). Then I said that I have been doing all this without any words of encouragement or hope from him, and that I don’t know where I stand with him at all, and that I am really worried about my career right now on top of it and I could use some support right now rather than further criticism.
He totally ignored my comment about not knowing where our R/M stood, but he did offer some encouragement about my work issues. He also sort of vaguely said, “keep doing what you’re doing; I know you’re trying.” Not really clear if this was referring to our R issues, too, or just work.
Anyway, last week, on Wednesday, the $900 chair was delivered. H was on a trip. I TM’d him that a big package had come for him and it appeared to be some sort of furniture (said so on the outside of the box). I told him it was too heavy for me to lift on my own, but that I pushed it into the garage. He called me back later, and when I questioned him on it, he said that it was my Christmas present. Ok. So, that’s the positive – he got me a present (and an expensive one). He said he knew work had been tough and my back has been really hurting so he thought we could bring this to my office, as my firm would never buy me this nice of a chair. So, he was trying to be thoughtful. Not exactly the gift I would have picked (I would have picked a spa day!), but I saw this as a positive because spending money is a big deal for H. Now, though, I wonder if he just felt bad that work has been so hard on me and/or he just felt bad about not getting me anything for my birthday last month (which I also complained about when I had my little breakdown). He hasn’t really been any nicer to me in any other way since then. In fact, he was fairly short with me on the phone yesterday. And we haven’t had any further dates since the one in early November - more for lack of time, though. I would love to try to squeeze a date in before Christmas, but I don't know if that will happen.
Over the last few days I have decided that after the New Year I am going to ask him to tell me where he’s at, that if he’s still trying to decide, that’s ok, but I need to know what the status is. I need to think about what words to use so it doesn't come off as if I am pressuring or as an ultimatum.
I still have this nagging feeling that he’s decided to leave me, but is waiting till the time is right for him financially to do it. I hope I’m wrong, but I guess I am afraid to be optimistic and then get knocked down. I know that bringing up the R isn’t good DBing, but we haven’t talked about it in over 2 months now and it will be over 3 months by early January. I just hope I can hold my tongue till then. I am just tired of trying to be perfect all the time (which obviously isn't possible, so I am setting myself up to fail).
Ok, so this doesn't overall sound like that positive of an update, but the Christmas gift is the best sign I've had in almost a year that he actually cares about me at all.
Will try to get around to some other people's threads later today. Lemon
