Flip - I think you may be right, that some affirmative action may be needed. I have been thinking about what kind of 180 I could do that would make a positive difference - hopefully, I can come up with something. Honestly, though, I am so busy just getting through each day that it's hard to muster up the energy to keep up the efforts I am already making! I am feeling a little low today, so sorry for the attitude.
S3 has come down with chicken pox - my poor little sweetheart! H is home with him today (goes back to work on Friday), but I will probably leave work early as I am sure S will be wanting mommy by mid-afternoon.
My birthday on Sunday was pretty depressing. I was with my kids, who always make me happy, but H got home around 7:00 pm. He did say "happy birthday" and give me a brief hug (felt obligatory) -- but no card, no gift; not from him nor did he get anything on behalf of the kids. Just what I expected, but I couldn't help but be disappointed nonetheless. I don't know how he can (sometimes) claim to be trying when he is so thoughtless and uncaring towards me.
I am now wondering if H is just waiting till he has been home for a few months (maybe till after the holidays) and can then say, "well, I tried, I stayed for a while, still no feelings, now I will D you." I did bring up going out to dinner maybe the week after Thanksgiving, and he seemed amenable. Still, this is exactly why I think Flip is right - I need to DO something affirmative to get him thinking. I am just not sure what. Maybe I should do a DB telephone consult. I did one back in June, and maybe I just didn't get the right person, because I didn't get much out of it at all -- just didn't click with the coach. But, maybe it's worth another try with a different coach.
I am just so scared that the other shoe is going to drop anytime now. We haven't had any fights or R/M talks, but I just don't get a good feeling about how things are going. Yet, when I mentioned that it is "benefits enrollment" time at my work (I carry all of our benefits as mine are much better than H's), H said, "oh, put me back on the dental plan." (we just did flex spend for dental last year, as that plan isn't great if you don't use an in-network dentist). So, is he thinking he's not leaving for a while, or is he not realizing that he doesn't get my benefits (and will have to pay for half of our kids' benefits) if he's not my husband -- or is he thinking he'd like to get a root canal before he D's me?!
I'm so sorry you are having a low day. I know it's hard to stop over-thinking the whole thing. I do it too. I wish I could give you some ideas but I seem to be out of 180 ideas myself. Nothing I have done so far has really gotten his attention (that I can see) which makes me believe he might really be done with me. Only time will tell. Like you, I don't have much more energy to give. In the end, I think I just have to love who I am and H can decide to be part of that or not. I hope your son is feeling better soon! Keep your chin up!
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
Hi Shelly - Thanks for checking in with me. Haven't posted, as I don't have much to report. I am still trying to figure out what 180s I can do that won't be perceived as "bad" by H, and will be good for me, too. Have been distracted as S has been sick and work has been busy. H has been away since Thursday, will be back tonight. We barely talked at all these past 4 days.
Journaling: I get the feeling that maybe my H hasn't made any moves because (i) he isn't completely sure about giving up the lifestyle we have; (ii) he isn't completely sure about giving up living with his kids; and/or (iii) he doesn't feel he has enough money yet to live on his own the way he'd like to and is just waiting till he has more money before he pulls the trigger on filing for D or formally separating. I don't feel like he has softened toward me at all since I have been actively trying to change/improve on the things that he had complained about (6 months).
I was thinking back, and I realized that it's been quite a while since I have really felt loved and supported by H. I have my kids, but I still feel very lonely. I am not jealous of my kids, but it hurts to see H showing them so much love and affection and then treating me like I am nothing and he couldn't care less about me.
I have also backslid a bit on my diet, and have gained back a few pounds that I had lost. My weight gain before my pregnancy, and failure to quickly lost weight after my pregnancy was one of the many things my H complained about. I want to lost weight for myself, too, though, so I am disappointed in myself. I had lost about 45 pounds, but I have now gained back about 5. I'd like to lose another 25 to get back to where I was when H and I first met.
H purportedly read the 5LL book (I asked him to), but he hasn't said anything about it, so I don't know if anything in it even got him thinking at all about our situation.
Well, I guess I have rambled enough for now. Will try to check in on some other sitches soon.
Maybe your husband can have the next baby, an then we'll see how fast the weight comes off him. Geez, this stuff is such a none issue. Sure, we'd all like it if our Ws. had Pamela Andersen's body, but then she'd eventually open her mouth. Such superficial sh*t! I know you love him, but what a bonehead! Sorry to tee off on him.
I agree with FLTC, your H had no consideration for your feelings by making you feel bad about your weight after giving birth. My H did the exact same thing and I feel a little resentful towards him for it. It took me about 2 yrs to get back to my regular weight but I wish my H had been less critical and more supportive. Try not to be so hard on yourself! Losing baby weight takes time and you've got a lot of stress in your life right now. The fact that you've lost 45lbs is absolutely awesome! You sound like an caring, hard-working, incredible woman and I'm sorry your H doesn't appreciate that! Keep your chin up. I know how it is to feel lonely and unloved by your own H. Everyday I am learning to love myself and to not let my H define me. I don't even try to do the 180's to get his attention anymore, I do them because it makes me feel good to do positive things for myself. I have turned around almost everything he said was wrong with me and I have yet to receive one compliment. Start thinking about what would make YOU happy and base your 180's on that.
Shelly
Me: 34
H: 37
1 child
Married 10 yrs (together 13)
Bomb: Aug 25th "I'm not in love w/ you anymore"
H walked out: Aug 30th
Thanks FLTC and Shelly - A couple weeks after I had my D (9 months old now), I was at a birthday party for a little friend of S3, and another dad there (who I had never met before) said, "You had a baby 3 WEEKS AGO?! You look great!" I remember wishing that my H would be so nice to me. Of course, weight is a superficial thing to criticize -- I know that H is just looking to rack up a bunch of complaints to justify his behavior. So, FLTC, I am glad to hear a man agree that that is a crock. Shelly, you are right, I need to make my changes about being happy for myself.
Hopefully, this week will be a better week for all of us.
Journaling: Had lunch with a girlfriend today and told her what's been going on (she's only the 2nd friend I have told). She was dumbfounded, and seemed to think I was handling things well. She agreed with trying to just maintain status quo at this point with the holidays approaching to keep things normal for the kids. Didn't go into detail about the DBing, but she was supportive generally and seemed to understand where I was coming from as she has young kids and a demanding job (we work at the same place), too. It's nice to have some support both on-line and in real life!
Have a head cold today, but feeling a little better attitude-wise.
I gave my H the mars-venus book while he was away, he did get stuff out of it but didnt' say much, and that's because men usually dont' open up and talk about emotional stuff, so dont be puzzled if he hasnt' said anything.
Are you still trying to go on dates w/him? I understand how painful it is that your H doenst' show any affection, right now he is on "me" mode, and possible still in the blame stage and does not want to see your changes or doesnt' believe them. You keep up the good the work, and your actions will speack louder than anything you could say to him.
I gained 3lbs over the holidays,don't feel so bad hon, just keep drinking water and eat sensibly over the holidays, I know it's hard! but you can make it.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
