Journaling: Feeling fairly calm today, but that's because I have had minimal conversation/contact with H for the last few days as he's been on a trip, and I stuck with my resolve to not initiate contact with him. Took S3 to a birthday party yesterday, then we decorated pumpkins (couldn't carve them - he's too little), then I did laundry while both kids napped. Did a little more work later in the evening and got ready for my trip (have a 3:00 flight to LA). H called around 10:00 last night -- I actually think he called to talk to me, as he knew that S3 would be asleep by then -- but we didn't talk too long. Talked mostly about the kids (baby, 8 mos, has learned how to climb as far as the third step on the stairs -- Lord help me, she's going to be a handful) We also agreed that we are still on for our "date" on Wednesday -- I am very nervous about that. I feel like he is constantly watching/testing me, expecting me to mess up. And when I do, he blows the smallest mistakes I make completely out of proportion. Will try to have a PMA about the date, though. Spent some time this morning trying to pick out a restaurant (we're going to a museum exhibit - King Tut - then to dinner). We probably won't talk tonight as he'll be on the east coast, and I'll be on the west, and I have to go out to dinner with a client -- will be very late east coast time by the time I am done.
FLTC - you're right. I keep thinking about the wedding ring and where it is. I also keep wondering if it means anything that he brought his organizer/caddy thing back home. It's actually kind of pathetic that I am analyzing such a small and potentially meaningless action. If he really wanted to move home, he'd cancel his lease and move home, not move things one item at a time.
I am really having a hard time accepting that our M could really be over. I know I am supposed to try to do that, but in my heart, I just keep feeling that things will work out. SO, I get hopeful over small things which probably mean nothing.
I am also having a hard time trying to be patient about the fact that I won't know til who knows when what H's "decision" is going to be about our M. I know this goes with accepting that it could be over and moving on/detaching, but it's sure easier said than done, isn't it?
Then, there's this small part of me that thinks H is a huge jerk and that nothing I did was so awful that he should leave the M over it. I am smart, pretty, generous, a great mom, a good provider for our family, a good cook -- he could have done a lot worse! Yet, he can't seem to see any positives about me/our M -- all he focuses on is the negatives.
I have the feeling that his feelings as to what he wants to do change on a daily basis. I have to admit, when he first announced that we wanted to separate back in May, I would never have guessed that things would still be so unresolved by this point. I probably made a mistake (prior to discovering DB) in working so hard to convince him to put off his move (I begged him to wait till after I had gone back to work/S3 had adjusted to the change before making a change in our living situation). Maybe if I had just let/encouraged him to go, we would have some resolution one way or the other by now. Instead, he has never really moved out, though he spends time away as he feels like it (with very short notice to me), and I have no idea what he thinks/feels now. The last time he discussed it, he didn't love me, didn't think he ever would again, and didn't even really seem to be sad that that was the case (i.e. had no desire to work on fixing things). I don't really want to discuss it again and hear worse.
On the bright side, he has yet to actually tell anyone else what is going on, as that would make it "real" and so I think that means he is still not 100% sure. SO, I continue to DB, 180 and generally be a person that he would want to come home to.
