Forgot to say thanks, Shelly, for your response earlier. I started reading your thread, and I am amazed at how strong you are/have been.
Journaling: Am on the train on my way home after a later day at work then I would have preferred (discovered I can read and post to this site pretty easily from my Blackberry). I TM'd H to let him know I was later than usual, so he could call my parents' house if he wants to say goodnite to S3 before it gets too late. If he does that, I won't talk to him tonight at all. We'll see. I was feeling very angry with H today - while I certainly did a lot wrong over the last few years, he has, too, and it is so unfair that he blames everything on me. I know I am supposed to focus on changing myself, but it's still annoying. Also, he says so many inconsistent things - how do I know what the truth is? Back in January of this year when he thought he was having a heart attack (turned out to be acid reflux, which I totally called), he told me that if anything happened to me, he wanted me to know that he loved me. That was the last time he said ILY. Now he has recently told me that he hasn't loved me in years. So, was he lying when he said it in January? I feel like he goes out of his way to hurt/punish me for the pain that I have caused him, but refuses to acknowledge that he hurt me, too. One day, he'll say that by not leaving yet, he is trying, the next day he says he is only staying for the kids and there is no point in trying since he is sure he will never have feelings for me again.
I am having the most problem with GAL. I don't really have any time to GAL. I get no sleep as it is. I have bought myself a few new (smaller size) pieces of clothing, and have tried to spruce up my appearance with a new haircut, but I don't really have time to go do new hobbies/go out with friends. I think that improving my appearance will make him take notice, though, so I'll continue with the weight loss. It is slow, though, as I am still nursing the baby, so I can't crash diet or even cut back overall calories too much, I am just trying to eat healthy/make every calorie I do eat count. I have promised myself a spa day and some new clothes when I make my goal (20 pounds to go; I have lost 40 - all of my pregnancy weight -so far). Well, I am almost home, so will quit the rambling for now.
I have been reading on others' threads, but feel kind of useless as I don't seem to have anything helpful to say/post. Hopefully that will change as time goes on.
