Hello – I have been lurking here for several months, and trying to DB in my own situation, while learning from all of yours. I am hoping to get a thread going now, as I could really use your advice and support (and hope that I can provide some support to all of you, too). Forgive me in advance if this first post is long and a bit disorganized:
I am 38, so is H, married 9 years. We have a S3 (almost 4) and a D 8 months. We previously were pretty happy (or so I thought), but we had a rough last couple of years. While trying to get pregnant with our second child, I had 2 miscarriages, and became very depressed. I was also under a lot of stress in a demanding job and became negative/complained/yelled about that a lot, and was, admittedly, pretty unpleasant to be around. I even suggested separation or divorce -- though more as a "threat" to make him see the seriousness of the situation -- I never REALLY wanted us to end our M. I felt no support whatsoever from H, and resented it, which made me more negative. I tried to talk to him about it, and he didn’t seem to care. I resented him more and more as he continued to be non-responsive to me. In retrospect, I was also being non-responsive to his needs, and my yelling and nagging was counter-productive. I did finally get and stay pregnant, and had our beautiful daughter this past February. While I was home on maternity leave, we had a series of talks about what was wrong with our M, and what each of us would like from the other. We committed to try to do what the other had asked.
I did everything he asked (have positive attitude, stop yelling and nagging, cook and do more around the house), he did nothing that I asked. After a few months of that, I was very frustrated and confronted him. He said that I had, in fact, done everything he asked, but raised some new complaints (I hadn’t lost all my baby/depression weight and was “repulsive” to him, I spent too much energy on friends, I didn’t stand up to my parents on certain issues, told him things repetitively/talked too much generally, don’t “take care” of him enough). He also admitted that he had not done anything I had asked because, “I have no energy, I have already put everything I have into this marriage.” Again, I worked to change things. A month later, he acknowledged my changes, couldn’t come up with any more complaints, but finally said that he didn’t feel any love, or have any feelings for me at all, and didn’t think he could get them back ever. Things that I said to him in anger during fights in the past really hurt him, and he cannot forgive me, even if I am no longer depressed and angry. I then asked him to read 5LL and consider Retrouvaille. He is reading 5LL, as I feel that we previously weren’t meeting each other’s needs, but so far he says that it just reinforces his opinion that things are hopeless and that he can never feel love for me again (is he reading the same book I did?). He has not responded about Retrouvaille, but I don’t’ think it will help us unless he wants it to, and he doesn’t seem to. He says he is leaning toward divorce.
I got DB and DR early on, and have been trying to apply the principles, but I can’t seem to go very long without messing up. Back in May, H rented an apartment – signed a one-year lease. However, he has probably only spent a total of 7-10 nights there since then. A few weeks ago, we went on a date – out to a nice dinner. I thought we had a really nice time. The next day, I asked him if he would be willing to do more dating, and he would not say yes or no. I got upset, and told him that I would not agree to a divorce, but that I would agree to him moving out (as I though he had planned, and he could see how he liked living alone/not being with the kids all the time, etc). He is an airline pilot, so he is not in town half the time anyway, but he would see them/take care of them while I am at work on the days he is home (my parents watch them when we are both working). I also told him I would agree to some kind of separation agreement with respect to finances since he had made a comment to the effect that he wanted to just get a divorce so he could figure out his finances, buy his own place, etc. I told him he didn’t need to D me for that. I couldn’t care less if he wants to separate our finances as it will frankly impact him more than me (though, of course, we will both take a hit). Finally, I told him, that (as I have told him all along) is that I want to work things out – thus, I won’t agree to the D, but would agree to separate/.separate finances in an attempt to compromise/give him space to think.
I haven’t cried in front of him in months, and I have lost weight (though still want to lose more). We had recently (in August) started ML again (we hadn’t since I had the baby in February till that point), but that doesn’t seem to mean anything to him emotionally. I thought he was still undecided (which I figured was good). He never responded to my three options, and I did not push him to respond. Last weekend, we were both home all weekend and had a lot of nice family time, and got along well. We also ML twice. He hugged me on his own twice (thanking me for some things that I did). Stupidly, I got my hopes up that maybe things were improving. But then he was somewhat cold to me on Monday and Tues., though now conflicts or arguing at all, he just seemed very preoccupied and non-responsive. I was out of town on business Wed, and Thurs. Our talks while I was gone were short – mostly kid-related. Yesterday, he told me that he will be spending the day and night at his apartment today (hasn’t been there since early August), and will leave for work for four days from there on Sunday. I know I shouldn’t have, but I over-reacted to this and asked him when we would talk about what he wanted to do in general. He said, “later this month.” It just upset me that, after what I thought was progress, he now wants to go to his apartment.
But, he still wants to go on another date that I planned for the week after next (going to a cool exhibit at a museum and then out for a nice dinner). I hope this means that he is still thinking about things, but I just don’t get a good feeling about the situation. I feel like maybe he has made his decision, but hasn’t worked up the courage to tell me, or he is feeling guilty about the impact that a D would have on our children. He is very committed to them, and I feel like they are the only reason he has not actually moved out yet – it is so hard for him to be away from them. I also know that he thinks my changes, while real, are too little too late, and that he’ll be happier without me. I don’t think he’ll be happy until he lets go of the anger he feels toward me. I don’t think that divorcing me will make him suddenly be happy, and it will hurt both of us and our kids, but he doesn’t see it that way – he just thinks that there is no way he will ever feel loving toward me again, so there’s no point in trying.
I don’t understand how he could have no feelings for me at all after 15 years together (9 years of marriage). But now he says he was never happy, never should have married me . . . If he was so unhappy, why in the world did he agree to have 2 kids with me? He didn’t even think he wanted kids at all when we got married (though he fell in love with each of them the moment he saw them). I see so many people here whose spouses have said similar things as my H is saying. I guess I should just back off and not say anything more about him going to his apartment, nor should I ask to talk about what he wants to do in our R.
I have seen a divorce lawyer and done research, so I am generally informed on the process and applicable laws in my state. I don’t think my husband realizes that he will have to pay more than he thinks toward ongoing expenses relating to our children. He seems to think that because I have a higher income, and would be the custodial parent, I will pay for most everything. I have told him that I would expect him to pay his pro-rata share of all ongoing expenses (which would be LESS than what my state would require by default), and he seemed surprised by that (not that he wouldn’t do it, but he honestly hadn’t thought about future expenses, just how to divide up current assets). In some ways I’d like to sit down and show him the numbers, because I know it’s going to be a lot more than he thought. Not that I want him to stay only because of money, but I would like him to consider that his standard of living will drastically decline if he goes through with this.
Bottom line, I thought I was seeing some positives, I got my expectations up (I know, I know, no expectations), and now I am feeling very low about him choosing to spend time away from us today and tonight and just have a very sinking feeling right now that he will soon decide to walk away from the M completely. Once he makes a decision about something, it’s final, so I just don’t think he’ll ever reconsider if he decides to move forward with a D. Meanwhile, I am physically and emotionally exhausted from taking care of the kids (am still nursing and pumping for the baby), trying to keep up with doing all the things he wants me to do around the house and for him, and working my still very demanding job (though with a PMA about it now!). I don’t know how much longer I can keep it up when I don’t seem to be getting any real results, and in fact, he now wants to start spending time away.
Anyway, I guess I am just hoping for some feedback and support. I will start journaling here, and hope to become part of your supportive and understanding community.
