It has been a long time since I posted. Quik scenario: 14 mos ago H (M 21+ years, together 29) said he didn't love me and not sure he ever did. Separated 2 mos later for 5 mos. He moved back home into guestroom, then our bedroom (for sleep only.) Acted different. Found out about A in July. Swore they broke it off. Found out they were having an EA and just stopped last week. She left the state to get away and try to force the end (She is M with 3 kids). We separated again (we have a D16 and S14) 3 weeks ago. He told me this week that he fell in love with her and has never felt this way before. They talked and talked. He never could talk to me (so he says) (Although, I remember b**ching at him around the house saying "we need to talk. Why don't you talk to me?") He knows it is wrong but it happened and now he is hurting sooo much. He said he wants a divorce now or as soon as he movesback into the country in 2 years (his job is moving him overseas in Nov.) Or if I want we can get the D in 30 days. We can wait because then I can have all my medical benefits covered for life because he can retire. He also says he is sorry, trying to figure things out, his heart is twisted because he loves the wrong person. He said he remembers 10 - 15 years ago watching me laugh at a tv show and saying to himself, "I don't love her." He cries sometimes but I think it is because of the guilt and he knows he has hurt me. But, there is no hint of having feelings for me. He asked to come home to stay in the guestroom for the next 4-5 weeks before he moves. I said I didn't know if I could take it. The constant look of rejection kills me. Then, I get upset and say the wrong thing or we just keep talking about how we hurt... I want him to come home if we can get along, I can stop crying, and I can somehow show him how great I am that he misses me. But, it could easily go the other way. He quickly gets frustrated with me or the kids and then I can see he is almost relieved to be leaving the country (he kind of made himself available to move because of knowing he needed to get away from her and just couldn't and also because of me.) I have apologized for the mistakes I made prior to all of this -- the nagging, bitching, being preoccupied with the kids,... not showing him how important he was..... I know we made mistakes.
My heart and soul are shredded! I only have about 4 weeks to make a difference. Do I let him come home? The GAL is not working for me because I am consumed with his leaving and the feeling that I am watching it slowly die. I know that is my problem and I need to change it. Any advice
Be patient others on here will reply. I am not sure what to tell you to do in your situation but I figure I would post just to show some support. You have more than a walkaway spouse...you got a runaway out of the country spouse. From the state of your message I don't really think it will be a good situation him staying at home...you are likely to drive him nuts and push him further away...you are going to want to relationship talk...and beg for him to come back...be with you...etc...not saying anything bad about you...it is totally understandable...but to the WAS it will just push him further away.
You have so little time to do much of anything...maybe see if you can convince him to stay in the country and not take the overseas assignment and then backoff. Even if he leaves don't get divorced if that is not what you want. Not to be harsh but maybe it is best if he does leave as it will force you to GAL and eventually he will return and maybe some love will be back?
I don't know...I am sure others will have better ideas...
"Friendship is like peeing your pants: everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth."
Thanks for responding. Not getting much feedback. I haven't had much luck on the posts in the past, so I quit coming to them. I have just started counseling and hope that will help me. I want to tell him to take a leap, but know I don't mean it. I am tired of this - for sure. I am extremely tired of us discussing it. I can't win him back like this. Sometimes, I think letting him come home and GALing would be the best thing, if I can do it. I am also working hard on my faith and praying often.
We actually got into a spat tonight. He was going to meet me for coffee and casual conversation. Before he did, he shared with me that OW called him from out of state at work. She called to tell him that he should come home, spend time with the kids, and they couldn't be together. Of course, she had text him that 5 days ago before she left the state. I know it was an excuse to hear his voice. They discussed how they were hurting and missed talking, but they can't be together. They need to do the right thing and what God would want. (A little late to be thinking about God---) I was very upset and shaking. I knew she was in his head for the night and didn't want to compete. I felt like if we met we would argue or talk about her. I didn't want to do that. I told him we would pass on coffee. He immediately told me how he never has been able to talk to me and it just proves we can't get along. I was trying to do the right thing. He said he wasn't coming home to stay for the weekend to be with the kids as planned. (He's asleep on the couch but may leave later...) Of course, it was all me in his eyes. He has become more hurtful and doesn't worry about how his comments will affect me. Sometimes, I think it would be better if it was done. But, I don't want to let go of our family and its future - plus I very much Love him. UGH!!!!
It sounds to me like your husband may be having a MLC. How old is he? He definetly sounds like he is running away and thinks life will be greener elsewhere. He sounds like he is being harsh on you and blaming you for his unhappiness. This OW is just a temporary bandaid. Don't file for divorce if you don't want it. If he is having a MLC there is nothing really you can do about it, it is his problem and really has nothing to do with you. Just keep on Dbusting and don't give up any hope. He may move to another country, but he may soon realize that the life he thinks he wants isn't really for him. Try not to listen to his harsh comments either. My H is going through a MLC too and has said really harsh things to. They really don't mean it, they are angry at themselves but are taking it out on you. I hope this helps a little MrsHurting
Two thoughts. Why are you talking to your H about the details of his A conversations? Who the hell cares what OW said, and how he replied etc. You shouldn't! If he wants to talk about repairing your M, that's one thing but discussions about his discussions with her, NO NO NO. Put and end to that. Secondly, you say you are not able to GAL because you are so consumed with the sitch. Well, the idea of GAL is to STOP you from being consumed with the sitch. If he sees you carrying on with a life, being happy (or at least faking it well) and letting go that may be something that actually draws him back. Wallowing in fear sure won't, that's fact. Believe me, he's well aware of how scared you are right now, don't let him use it against you, even unconsciously. So my suggestion is to carry on with your life and make it into something interesting for you (and hopefully him) and set some boundaries re the conversation topics, you know, say "I know your discussions with her are important to you, I respect that but they are of no interest to me, right now. Please respect that" Maybe a kick in the ass like that would have some positive effect. As always, these are just my thoughts, you do as you see fit. So sorry to find you here with the rest of us!! Hang in there.
Thanks praying for coming to "his emotional affair" to post. They are very tough to overcome, I've heard, but not impossible I've also heard. My H is luckily still living at home, and we sleep together, and are still talking civilly to each other. I still do all the things I have always done, but now I am being more loving, caring and giving him all the sex he wants. I am doing all this as part of my 180, because H said I acted like I didn't care.. He made the comment that he has a wife who just found out she loves him. I told him I have always loved him. I don't know what is going on with ow now, I am not snooping anymore, so if, and I believe he is, still seeing ow, I am not aware of it. he is coming home pretty much on time, however he leaves early for work every day. H says we never talk, however sometimes after ML, we would stay up till three o'clock am just talking, I guess it is MLC fog. He said he knows it is wrong, but will never feel remorese or say sorry for doing it, but says it has never been sexual, as ow doesn't believe in premarital sex. I am glad I wasn't eating or drinking when he told me that, as H would have been wearing what I had in my mouth! Any female who would stoop to such tactics to get somebody's H, has no morals about anything else, as far as I am concerned. Mabe four or five weeks of having him stay with you wouldn't be as bad as you think it would..Your H could see first hand all that you are doing to change, and when he does leave, he will have that to take with him. Just make it pleasant for all, and see if that helps him think about things. Not that much thinking they are doing now makes sense to anyone, but you never know. I am trying my hiney off to get things to look better in his eyes, and I can tell some difference. He doesn't glare at me anymore, thankfully he smiles more at me. When I hug him, he seems to really enjoy it most of the time. We are talking more about stuff that we used to, such as things to make the house and yard look better, he planted winter rye grass seed today, that show he wants to look at a green lawn this winter. He talked about what to plant next spring, too. So, I don't know whats going on with ow, maybe the whore is gone from his life maybe not, I just have to carry on as though she were nonexistent, I don't think about her nearly as much as I used to. Whatever you do, don't take the 30 day D!If he wants to wait 2 years, then wait 2 years. Like you said at least you will have the insurance. And the longer you let the D stay postponed, is that much longer you have to put your DB to work. Good Luck, I will come back to post again, and you come post again on mine, too. Oh, yeah, I got the constant look of rejection from H, too, but with a little time and lots of love from my part, he doesn't do that very often at all anymore.
Thanks everyone for the posts. I liked the comment from Whatisis about telling him I respect that he wants the conversations with her but that I am not really interested. He did stay at the house last night on the couch. He never made it to the guestroom. Today, we took the kids and went to a movie and hung out. We had little interaction but at least we didn't yell or argue. I did text him that I pray we make it through this but that I realized I had to let go. It is hard to explain but I have to find a way to let this go so that I can GAL and deal with all of this. I can't make him care or even respect the committment of marriage. I do have to find a way to not be consumed. Crazy, I may let him come home. I am doing pretty good today. A few more days will determine if I can start to deal with it. It sounds like you are moving in the right direction. Keep it up. I'll keep you posted on things here.
Well, all he** broke loose. The end result was H telling me AGAIN how unhappy he has been for years (been hearing it for 15 mos now) and his friends and family have noticed. He is unhappy with ME not everything in general, as I thought prior to all this. He leaves after Thanksgiving to live overseas for 2 years. He wants a legal separation followed by the divorce upon return. He is being KIND so that I get lifetime benefits when he can retire in 2 years. I asked him to move out but he keeps coming home. I know he wants to see the kids. I am trying hard to detach, not email at work, call,... talk! We have argued so much and I have broken all the DB rules. I don't know if it is best to appear to halt everything with him or try to be very friendly. Talking leads to arguments because he keeps telling the same sh** about loving the wrong woman, not wanting to hurt me, not loving me... I could really use some advice. I'm running out of time... I still want save this marriage but the pain of the EA and 15 mos of rollercoaster and rejection is wearing me down...
Believe me, I can relate to how it is wearing you down. I am trying my best to DB and do all the things I didn't do before or enough of before. I am learning to grin and bear everything he throws at me, then I will sometimes fall apart after he leaves. I would let him stay home till time to go overseas if I were you. It's not that much time and maybe you can show him some positive things you are doing, that maybe you weren't doing before. don't ask him to move out, he'll be gone soon anyway. No R talk at all unless he initiates it. Make small talk, friendly talk about the kids, about everything except the M. I try to follow this advice myself, I sometimes slip, okay, I slip alot, but I am getting better, I hope. Good Luck and who knows what can happen in a month's time, if you really work on it, just remember, you are the one who has to work on it by yourself now, if he comes around, it will be because of your efforts to make him see a better you. L
How many times does H have to tell me -----he just has been hurting for so long... he didn't guard his emotions and fell in love with the wrong woman....it just happened...he has been unhappy for as long as he can remember and couldn't I tell it was because of our relationship...he's sorry and didn't mean to hurt me...but feels he wants a divorce...needs to take the time living overseas to get right...its too bad we can't all be happy...blah..blah..blah Give me a break!!! It didn't just happen, he let it! He could stop hurting me and DO THE RIGHT THING by honoring our marriage. He could decide that the past is gone and stop convincing himself it was so awful!!!! Thanks for listening.. Can anyone relate?
