It has been a long time since I posted. Quik scenario: 14 mos ago H (M 21+ years, together 29) said he didn't love me and not sure he ever did. Separated 2 mos later for 5 mos. He moved back home into guestroom, then our bedroom (for sleep only.) Acted different. Found out about A in July. Swore they broke it off. Found out they were having an EA and just stopped last week. She left the state to get away and try to force the end (She is M with 3 kids). We separated again (we have a D16 and S14) 3 weeks ago. He told me this week that he fell in love with her and has never felt this way before. They talked and talked. He never could talk to me (so he says) (Although, I remember b**ching at him around the house saying "we need to talk. Why don't you talk to me?") He knows it is wrong but it happened and now he is hurting sooo much. He said he wants a divorce now or as soon as he movesback into the country in 2 years (his job is moving him overseas in Nov.) Or if I want we can get the D in 30 days. We can wait because then I can have all my medical benefits covered for life because he can retire. He also says he is sorry, trying to figure things out, his heart is twisted because he loves the wrong person. He said he remembers 10 - 15 years ago watching me laugh at a tv show and saying to himself, "I don't love her." He cries sometimes but I think it is because of the guilt and he knows he has hurt me. But, there is no hint of having feelings for me. He asked to come home to stay in the guestroom for the next 4-5 weeks before he moves. I said I didn't know if I could take it. The constant look of rejection kills me. Then, I get upset and say the wrong thing or we just keep talking about how we hurt... I want him to come home if we can get along, I can stop crying, and I can somehow show him how great I am that he misses me. But, it could easily go the other way. He quickly gets frustrated with me or the kids and then I can see he is almost relieved to be leaving the country (he kind of made himself available to move because of knowing he needed to get away from her and just couldn't and also because of me.) I have apologized for the mistakes I made prior to all of this -- the nagging, bitching, being preoccupied with the kids,... not showing him how important he was..... I know we made mistakes.
My heart and soul are shredded! I only have about 4 weeks to make a difference. Do I let him come home? The GAL is not working for me because I am consumed with his leaving and the feeling that I am watching it slowly die. I know that is my problem and I need to change it. Any advice
