Up the page a bit two questions were asked I think, and I'll assume that both of them were sincere.
One question I interpret to be: "Is there some way to find desire for a spouse that you don't desire?"
I think one way is to look for something to love about them. I find that I gravitate to those things I think about. They taught me in Motorcycle safety class that we all tend to go toward whatever we're looking at - that should I lose control, it's wiser to focus on the gap between the tree and the service pole than on either hard immovable obstacle. When I'm in control, it's smarter to focus most of my attention on the empty lane in front of me than on the oncoming traffic in the other lane.
Tennis Guru Timothy Galwey says "love the ball". The key to hitting that orb over the net and out of reach of your opponent yet in bounds is to make that ball the most important item in your universe (and lots of practice). Sometimes a little imagination is required. I would tend to look for even the smallest sexy and/or lovable qualities in my partner and ignore anything that isn't.
How can one 'sublimate' a desire for sex? Baseball stats works for many - it's basically the same exercise. Take your mind off that hot babe's alluring qualities and think about something else that doesn't turn you on. It's a choice for most of us. Think about something neutral or something grotesque. Think about her as your sister or mother or daughter - someone you think of protecting - not someone you thing about fcuking. That'll work if you aren't predisposed to incest. If you are, then you really ought to seek real qualified help before you hurt someone or think of hurting someone.
My 2 cents.
Peace is a choice, love is a choice, violence is a choice - it all comes down to which glass would you rather drink from. Oh, and ignoring unacceptable behavior tends to wilt it whereas focusing energy on it tends to strengthen it, all things being equal.
