Has your wife had a full panel STD test, especially HIV testing?
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It sounds like you and wife are doing the hard work. Congratulations on the effort. Since you have obviously researched the demands of recovery, I assume you know that it is going to take a couple of years, and that she can never contact the other man again.
I applaud your efforts.
Be careful with the quota without schedule. It can breed resentment and uncertainty. Scheduling your time together, just like a date, is very important as the both of you relearn to love each other in the right way, dumping the old unhealthy relations in the process. A schedule takes away much of the uncertainty of when, and leaves you two only the task of working out the 'how, why, and what'.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Thanks, NOP. Sage advice. I assure you it will be heeded, no doubt.
My W has really been tremendous, but I don't think she would've done it if I hadn't also changed. These last several months have been pure hell but gradually the hard work has begun paying off, though we still have a long way to go.
I'm not too concerned about her contacting him at this point. We moved far enough away and our life has changed enough that I don't think she could do that, with what all I know now, and get away with it. Furthermore, I don't think she even wants to at this point. I'm cautiously optimistic.
As far as the quota without the schedule, I'm being careful per your suggestion and, really, she's having such serious outbreaks right now, and a few other complications, that doing much there is getting put on hold for a little while.
But you're right, I think we're going to end up back on a modified schedule once her trouble clears up. Frankly, and this is important, since we've begun really opening up to each other again, my drive has actually changed. Not really decreased so much as, well, before as things got worse I think it was a sort of manic response to the distance that was growing between us. A lot of what I assumed was HD on my part seems to have been a desperate attempt to feel connected even though we weren't, and even though I wasn't really willing fo fix the things that needed fixing back then so we could be closer.
Now that we're actually getting closer, I don't feel that urge to get me some as often. Kind of hard to explain.
Actually, I think the schedule has had a lot to do with that...again, hard to explain, but what started out as a plan to take the anxiety out of the fact we were on different wavelengths sexually has actually made us make time for each other every couple of days or so no matter what, and has somehow made us closer despite ourselves.
I really think it's helped a lot. We laugh and talk and just enjoy each other's company way more than we used to, and just have a good time without it having to be serious, and that's bled over into all areas.
So, as we suspected, and as our experience (and you) confirmed, the schedule has actually made us feel more natural, relaxed, and spontaneous with each other, not less.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Yeah I kind of suspected this all along, and when we used to fight about it, I'd point out that I suspected if she actually showed me some real attention, that wouldn't matter as much.
Frederick Buechner defines Lust as "the craving of salt by a man who's dying of thirst." I'd say that about sums it up nicely.
She and I now have made enough progress that we go out regularly and, well, 99% of our time together is either positive and fun, or at least positive. Almost no negative stuff, at least nothing between us. That's never been true in the entire time we've been married. We still have a long way to go and a lot of stuff to work through but it's not nearly as difficult as it used to be, or seem.
Heck now I just appreciate it so much when she looks at me even with a little sparkle in her eye and tells me jokes or something. It's that same kind of connected feeling you get when you meet someone new except we've had to work so hard to get here. That's really what it's all about.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Everything just seems to be clicking for us right now.
As I've posted, I think in our sitch the schedule was exactly the right thing to do at the right time. We followed it for a couple of months, maybe a little less.
As I posted, there are some complications that sort of interrupted the schedule, and during that interruption, we saw some pretty major growth in terms of our closeness/connectedness, and sort of toyed with the idea of going to a looser schedule, more of a quota system or something.
Well, the complications of her g.h. outbreak lasted longer than we expected this time, and as we enjoyed each other's company more and more, I underwent what I think was a major change, as I think I've documented here, in that my HD sort of leveled out. I realized that much of my HD was really just due to both my desperation in needing some connection with her and sex had been the only way for me to do that even though, in reality, for the longest time she was just doing it to sort of keep me quiet and happy.
Of course, that's changed over the last several months. At this point I'm pretty satisfied with our relationship and really enjoy just being with my wife. With kids and work and all the other stuff we have going on now. A couple times a week is fine for both of us, and, despite some concerns that abandoning the schedule would cause a problem, so far it hasn't because we've talked it out pretty thoroughly and, well, we're both more or less satisified with the way things are.
I say more or less because I don't want to take anything for granted and assume more about her perspective than I really know, so I'm trying to be open to her and make her feel like she can talk about it if there's a problem.
I also realize this could change over time.
As far as some of the attraction and "feelings" issues we've had, I'm not sure if that's changed or not. But she seems to have changed a lot in how she responds to me sexually and affectionately. It's hard to explain but things are just better and more natural now. We've ML twice in the past week and, unlike in weeks past when it was sort of "okay, it's Tuesday evening, time to ML, let's get to it", it's sort of grown out of a lot of more spontaneous affection and foreplay, so the intercourse seems much more emotional and close...intense, really...and she's just more passionate during the whole thing, especially when she orgasms.
So I don't want to declare victory too early, but we're sort of flying this way for now and are both very comfortable with it, both very satisfied with it, so the schedule, quota, whatever is pretty much on hold for now while we just try and live out what we're feeling and doing now. Feels good.
Probably won't post on this thread anymore unless something changes. I just wanted to update those who have been helping me out with where we're at because I really appreciate all the viewpoints and suggestions which have really helped me along the way.
Hopefully, I can return the favor someday.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
