I would suggest you not read too much into anything, good or bad. Just enjoy the moments and try to stay in the moment. Things can grow slowly... suggest you read the article I posted yesterday on happiness.
TL... I think it's great that your W is showing up regularly to be in the game, so to speak...you are ahead of many here. The icing on the cake is seeing and feeling desire...it's what transforms dutiful sex into yummy playful sex. You can't control your W's reactions, but you may be able to pick up on things and make the interactions a bit more fun for yourself ( and for her). She's giving you lingering kisses..how about giving her a little tease? ( Oh where is Blackfoot to add to this from the male perspective). Moods perhaps shouldn't be, but often are, contagious. What signals are you sending out? ( BTW, I am working on this myself).
Well, here's where we're at now. I'm journaling this simply because I hope everything works out eventually and this will help someone else going through this.
We decided the schedule was great for the past couple of months. Worked well, but feel like we've progressed enough that it's starting to feel too artificial even though it works.
So we've decided to sort of agree that 3 good ML sessions/week is what we're after and are going to work on doing it when we're already having a good night doing something else, try to ride those good feelings into the sack, so to speak. Make things a little more natural.
There are still problems, however. Despite the good efforts and attitudes, her lack of desire is really starting to influence mine. I mean, and sorry if this is too graphic, but like many guys I wake up stiff as a board most mornings, really strong erection. However, once we start going at it, even though she's accommodating, she's clearly not feeling it much, and that's just killing my erections to the point that once we get around to being ready for intercourse (after I've given her the massages, kisses, and plenty of oral), I'm either limp or only semi-hard at best...enough to penetrate, and once that happens, I'm fairly good to go, but occasionally even that gets a little difficult now once we're in the middle of it. I don't lose the erection altogether, but it's definitely affected.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Toughlover, I'm suffering from the same affliction. I don't get a thrill out of ML with someone who isn't thrilled with ML. In order to get there it's taking more and more of a conscious effort where it once just came naturally. Frankly, it's just a lot more work than it should be and doesn't feel natural. Perhaps that's the flip side of the coin. Now WE get to be the one's that need courted...oh, yeah...they don't do that.
Quote: However, once we start going at it, even though she's accommodating, she's clearly not feeling it much
TL, how do you know this? Sometimes women just enjoy being pursued and being the passive recipient; they are enjoying themselves, but it's not being communicated in a way that you can fully see.
Quote: Sometimes women just enjoy being pursued and being the passive recipient; they are enjoying themselves, but it's not being communicated in a way that you can fully see.
Good point. This does describe her to some extent. She is not very vocal, but very subtle.
There are a few things that show she's into it:
1. Keeping her eyes open during orgasms (mine and hers). 2. Holding me tightly or rubbing my back/neck/shoulders during ML (often she just lets her arms rest at her sides, or she puts them on my sides but doesn't hold me or move them around much like she did in the old days when she was into it). 3. Kissing more passionately
She's not a screamer or anything. She does have orgasms now which she hadn't in many years. She is doing the thing about looking me in the eyes more, keeping her eyes open. The kissing isn't there. The holding isn't really there.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
Definitely. In fact, that's what my plan is. My W actually is the one who decided on the frequency both times because she's the one who sees me as someone who'd be on her every day if she'd let me. That's not true, however. I told her I would be happy if we were capable of one truly passionate encounter each week, and if she were open to more if the mood struck us both. According to her, she's not capable of passion right now. Whatever. I'm getting kind of tired of worrying over it.
So, I'm not trying to hit any quota or limit. I guess she sees it more as "no more than three times" a week (to keep me at bay haha), whereas I see it as "three times a week, hot diggity!"
But even though I haven't discussed it with her, I'm planning on doing exactly as you suggest.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I recommend that you stay on the schedule until your wife becomes comfortable with your relationship again. This could take a long time.
In the aftermath of an affair, both the betrayed and the infidel have a lot of trust issues to work through. She needs to feel safe with you, and you need to feel that her sexual response or passion for you is genuine. A schedule provides a safe place to work the sexual part of your relationship out.
My advice is that you don't expect much spontaneity in a relationship that still has other major issues that are being addressed. Having well defined order in your life/relationship for the next year or two is a venue for you and your wife to both mend your relationship, and to rediscover each other.
Again, the schedule helps your wife feel safe with you. It helps her feel like she is meeting one of your needs. At this point in recovery after a long term affair, your wife is likely working via her own internal list of what she needs to do to help recover the relationship. The schedule will help her work through that even when her feelings don't match the task at hand.
All the best, -NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Hey NOP. Thanks for the input. I talked this over with the W yesterday (before seeing your post) and she seemed to really like the new plan. Maybe we'll try it but if it seems to cause problems go back to the schedule?
The schedule's starting to be a problem for us lately because of her condition. Her genital h. is really vicious and she's having almost constant outbreaks right now, so that's taking not only a huge toll on her physically, but mentally as well. It also means that she's just plain out of commission on many of our scheduled days, and she ends up feeling bad about constantly telling me "today's not a good day."
So one positive I see about this new approach is that we can work this in during times when she's not having outbreaks, and hopefully reduce her stress which I think is one reason why her outbreaks are so frequent.
The whole thing had her reduced to tears this morning and I felt so bad for her. She cried and told me how sorry she was that she not only did this but that it affected me not only physically but was just something else huge to deal with. She pointed out that she may deserve it but I didn't. And she's just tired of the constant discomfort. While she brought it on herself, it breaks my heart nonetheless.
So sex really is going to be off the table (heh, no pun intended) for a while now. She's going back to her doctor to work on treating this better.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
