Scheduling: A Help or a Hindrance?

[blackfoot]

TL.

There is nothing in your posts so far that I can point at specifically, but you -understandably- give off an air of ... uncertainty and placating.
Lost gal was honest about this...

feel kind of like an airplane without landing gear. It's all up in the air and out of my control.

even if the landing gear is up the pilot still has decisions to make and a plan to formulate in order to get the plane on the ground. Yep, its going to take cooperation from his support group. Its going to require quite a bit more attention then normal.

Hesitancy is not beneficial. Leadership, resolve, strength are.
If the co pilot was napping, it doesnt matter if she wants to keep sleeping, *you* wake em up and give them the plan and ask for input. Does she agree? Did you overlook anything?
once thats done you dont have to 'talk about it' continuously. You just start implementing.

She thought I was complaining (wasn't).
even if you werent-- her feeling on this is relevant. That doesnt mean it should dissuade you though. I believe you weren't, but check your body language and the tonality of how you address her and the topic. Be matter of fact, just like you would with finances, etc.

But she really doesn't like talking about this at all. According to her, we've got the schedule, it's working for us, we have to adjust occasionally, but she is pretty cut and dried, straightforward about this: it's going to take time so why talk about it at all.

Undoubtedly.
Everything she said is true. Its going to take a good 6 months from when it started. I believe its been less then 3. Your doing good.
That doesnt mean it should be swept under the rug. Inability to deal appropriately with conflict is what got both of you here, only conflict and learning how to do it properly will 'fix' things.

Congrats to you on your initial handling of it.
I totally understand your sex drive right now. That being said, try to look for other aspects of the R for you to demonstrate leadership and resolve, and as HP said, require her to be more active in. Cherish her, listen to her, but dont give her a 'princess pass' because she stuck around.

The better things get, the more resentment you *may* feel start to bubble up. Keep an eye open for them.

[toughlover]

IHJ...thanks. That makes sense.

There is nothing in your posts so far that I can point at specifically, but you -understandably- give off an air of ... uncertainty and placating.

You're right about this...I experience a good deal of anxiousness. I realize a few have mentioned that I sound like I'm placating her, and I understand that, it's probably at least partially true, but that in itself is kind of a 180 (though I realize not an ideal one) as in the "old days" pre-July 2006, all I ever did was complain, criticize, and boss. To some extent I've gone a little too far in the other direction in order to be gentle, kind, and compassionate. For me, a recovering "angerholic," it takes me a while to learn the difference, and put into practice, strength, leadership, and decisivieness that isn't unkind and inconsiderate. I realize that's probably a no-brainer for some, but went way overboard in the wrong direction for years.

Cherish her, listen to her, but dont give her a 'princess pass' because she stuck around.

Good point. Thanks.

The better things get, the more resentment you *may* feel start to bubble up. Keep an eye open for them.

Yeah, you pretty much nailed that one. Things were going great for a while because I was detached and doing my DB thing, she was enjoying it but keeping her distance, and just about the time I got really comfortable with that, and expected we'd be there for months, she got a little closer on her own and all of a sudden things were even better than they'd been since, probably, our first year of marriage yet I began feeling just like I did the week she dropped the bomb. I mean, it came out of nowhere.

So, thanks for the 2x4s folks. They are much appreciated and not wasted on me, I guarantee.

[blackfoot]

I understand that, it's probably at least partially true, but that in itself is kind of a 180 (though I realize not an ideal one)

Yeah. Overcorrecting. It takes pratice and effort to find the correct balance. Did you ever determine what was causing your 'angerholism'? Was there some stressor? or was it just familiarity? This is all rhetorical, but if it was familiarity, then it can be fairly easy to deal with once you become aware. If it was a stressor, did you locate it and implement some personal and self serving boundaries to handle it and improve your well being?

Things were going great for a while because I was detached and doing my DB thing, she was enjoying it but keeping her distance, and just about the time I got really comfortable with that, and expected we'd be there for months, she got a little closer on her own

Doesnt it feel great when you are just doing your own thing and realize, thats enough for them to love us? I think it feels fantastic. Makes me want to do my own thing all the time.

I mean, it (resentment) came out of nowhere. Yeah. tell me about it. Dont let it defeat you. I lost to it, which is why I think Im so vigilant for it. Express yourself honestly, but dont let your self express you dishonestly.
Hope that was clear as mud.

[toughlover]

Did you ever determine what was causing your 'angerholism'?

Well, the main cause was simply my own bad attitude and immaturity that last well into my adult life, unfortunately. The stressors were mainly two:

1. instead of acting I spent all my time reacting to my wife, and she was being pretty selfish herself, and I wasn't getting what I wanted from her, and instead of handling it constructively, I fought fire with fire, and all that ends up doing is burning everything to the ground.

I handled this by detaching, by not tying my personal contentment to what I'm getting from my W at any given time, and by being the husband and father I want to, and am called to, be. All the DB stuff really, though I'm a Christian and I see most problems as spiritual problems, so the first step in our new life involved me getting right with God. She followed soon thereafter, but I did it for me.

2. Also found out in '03 that I was diabetic and probably had been for a long time. When my blood sugar gets high, it makes me way more angry and aggressive. It was like that for a while and made things worse. I never could understand where a lot of that rage was coming from, but it was almost more than I could control or bear, because for most of my life I tended to be very laid back and cool headed.

[LostGal]

I handled this by detaching, by not tying my personal contentment to what I'm getting from my W at any given time, and by being the husband and father I want to, and am called to, be. All the DB stuff really, though I'm a Christian and I see most problems as spiritual problems, so the first step in our new life involved me getting right with God. She followed soon thereafter, but I did it for me.

That does work well. Then the other comes around and you want just a bit more, get a little closer. Then you have fallen into the other's uncomfort zone. You are not healed enough yet to stand an assult so, when the assult comes, you retaliate and you are back to square one or even on the minus side of the scale. *sigh*

You seem to have a handle on it tho, I watch enviously and hope to learn.

[toughlover]

That does work well. Then the other comes around and you want just a bit more, get a little closer. Then you have fallen into the other's uncomfort zone. You are not healed enough yet to stand an assult so, when the assult comes, you retaliate and you are back to square one or even on the minus side of the scale. *sigh*

That's exactly how it seems to happen...if I didn't know better I'd think you'd been following me around

You seem to have a handle on it tho,[/quote}

Some days are better than others. Much easier to say than to do that's for sure. It does seem to be working, though I don't think I'm doing as well as I could be.

[blackfoot]

though I don't think I'm doing as well as I could be.

as long as we are in fact doing and making an effort, we are doing as well as we can. Keep a positive attitude, not just in general, but towards yourself and your progress and accomplishments. Its easy to see what we need to work on and easy to forget to give ourself kudos for our hard work and efforts.


You accepted your portion, and have been very proactive.
Your doing well.

[toughlover]

The schedule is becoming less relevant for some reason.

She blew me Wed morning, we ML Thurs night, I went down on her Fri night after going out (then we cuddled and fell asleep), we ML Sat morning then again Sat night after going out, then again Sunday morning.

Things seem to be getting much more natural and comfortable. We're still talking about the schedule but I don't know if it's still going to be followed or not. I guess that will depend on a few things.

Here's the deal, though: this schedule hasn't really been about the schedule or getting my needs met. What it's done (unexpectedly, I never saw this coming) was provide a context or framework for just talking about sex, communicating, and even flirting more until now it seems like that part of our life is blooming a little and getting even bigger than the schedule, if that makes sense?

IOW, what it seemed to do was get us on the same page, even if it seemed artificial at first.

Now I think the thing to do is start testing the waters by initiating with her when we're flirting and clowning around, and there's either an opportunity, or will be one later, and she how she responds.

[Lillieperl]

What it's done (unexpectedly, I never saw this coming) was provide a context or framework for just talking about sex, communicating, and even flirting more until now it seems like that part of our life is blooming a little and getting even bigger than the schedule, if that makes sense?

Makes perfect sense.

[toughlover]

...I suffer from this anxiety over either reading too much into insignificant things, or categorize something as insignificant when it's really not.

One of the things that has plagued me/us is my W's confessed lack of attraction and desire for me. In other words, mainly when we have sex, for her, it's much like how I feel when I play Monopoly...I do it because she likes it, but I don't care much for the game although I have a reasonably fun time playing it just because I choose to get out of it what I can. But it's not like the enjoyment I'd get out of playing a game I really enjoy.

Well, I don't know if things are better in that area or not. I have noticed that when we "quick kiss" goodbye/hello she seems (I think) to be lingering more after I pull away, sort of seeming to want more. And when she kisses me hello/goodbye, very often it lasts much longer than before, which was a quick peck.

Is that significant or am I probably just imagining things?

I know I sound like a greenhorn, but it's been many, many years since I've had to start from scratch, which is what this seems like, that I seem to have lost my knack for picking up on this stuff...