Quote: Corri, I am reading the same book and got to page 90. Most of the book makes sense but I have trouble with some of the ideas like a woman not being logical (like the ocean wave) and often testing a man. I know Blackfoot subscribes to or sees the woman testing her man. To me it seems annoying and childish/selfish.
I didn't get the same meaning from that passage. Keep in mind that what Deida is referring to is intimacy. He is not saying that women are incapable of logical thinking; he is saying that when women approach an intimate issue, they are most likely to first approach it through feeling; they act and respond on feeling first. If you come across a woman who approaches intimacy from a more logical stand point, the man has either become weak in his masculine polarity, and she has had to up her masculine energy... or, you have one of those 10% Rs where the man has a higher feminine energy and the woman a higher masculine energy.
As far as testing goes... Deida states repeatedly that most women do not do this on purpose, or through conscious thought... but rather, as a test to make sure her man is still in his masculine energy, and to feel secure in his love. He gave quite a good example, I think, about the man who comes home and states he just made a million dollars today at work, and she gives him grief for forgetting to pick up the milk on the way home like he said he would.
Quote: I think a W should trust her H, have faith he will do what is right for the family and hold him accountable for doing the best he can. Testing sounds child like and I thought most W's were beyond that childhood/teenager testing stage.
Trust is something that is continuously earned. It is not a once given, never brought up again thing. Read these chapters again... testing is often a female way of inviting the man to engage in and reaffirm his love... which the woman constantly seeks to surrender in. Testing is a means of reasserting the male/female polarity... which keeps energy levels high between both parties... if the man does not become placating and weak in his integrity.
That, I think, is another important point. Deida does not say that a woman should surrender to her man. A woman surrenders in his love. Big difference.
Quote: While reading the book, I can see where I made mistakes, allowing BB to challenge me as often as she had in the past.
It's not about 'allowing' her to challenge you, but how you handle yourself when she does so. A woman will always challenge. That is part of testing. In a challenge, she is asking for you to affirm her and reassert your masculine energy... without killing hers. Read the chapters again, because this is very important.
Quote: I was wondering if you had no sex drive, liked animals better than people, thought men just want control in a R, would you feel the same?
In having no sex drive, in thinking that the man just wanted to control the R, and seeking the company of animals over the company of other people, I would say, at least according to Deida... that the masculine/feminine polarity has been de-energized in the R... the woman has taken on too much masculine energy because she had to, and the male has allowed and placated and emasculated himself to neutrality... thereby lowering the total energy of the R to companion type funtionality.
You can, at any point, realign yourself as a superior male... and Deida discusses how to do this in the beginning chapters of his book.
When a woman pushes you away consistently... the male/female polarity is off.... at least according to Deida. In thinking back on my own LD days and my M... I can see this with such clarity now it stuns me.
I think you are going to have to read the book a few times to get this... but I think your wife seeks emotional reassurance, and a serious, serious 'upping the voltage' on your masculine energy.
That's what I am getting so far. In reading the chapters on how men should deal with their women... I'm stunned at how accurate he is... there were times when I'd feel my dander getting up... I was waiting to be 'offended,' you know... but I keep reminding myself that he is talking about the male/female intimacy connection only... he is not talking about women and careers, or their intelligence or abilities, or anything of the like. He is not insulting women in any way.
He is discussing the exchange of energy. Polarity. Laws of attraction. Maintaining, directing and taking charge of the intimacy in your life (and that doesn't necessarily mean fcking and sex... but it can).
Very, very, very intersting book. One of the best I've ever read. It helps me tremendously as a female in finally putting into words what I've always sought, but have never been able to verablize.
Excellent reading of Deida, Corri. It's tempting to just reject him outright because what he says SOUNDS like those stereotypes we've been trying to get beyond.
It might be useful to substitute the word "invitation" for the word "testing," Lou. You wrote
Quote: I know Blackfoot subscribes to or sees the woman testing her man. To me it seems annoying and childish/selfish.
Is it annoying and selfish to "invite" your man to respond, to play, to interact?
Instead of seeing BB as "testing" you in a childish way, look at as an invitation to see how you will interact with her. And don't forget that sexuality can be very "childish"-- remember Transactional Analysis: Each person has within a Parent-Adult-Child. Sex happens when the children play together. Each person needs to be able to let the child out. That's why relating as a Parent to the other's Child (and vice versa) is the death of sexual desire.
My W recently took a part-time job at a women's clothing store at the mall, mainly for extra $$$ and the employee discount.
She volunteered for as many hours as they'd give her, and what she likes most is stocking and switching out new merchandise, much of which means she goes in at 6am and occasionally works 8pm-Midnight. It has been changing frequently and sometimes last minute, but this'll only happen one week out of every few.
When she does this, even if we are both together on a scheduled day, it may be at a bad time or she may just be worn out from all the working.
Of course, it ruins the schedule. As a dense guy, once you take away my routine, but also tell me that spontaneity isn't a realistic possibility right now, I feel kind of like an airplane without landing gear. It's all up in the air and out of my control.
My response to this was to "give her the week off" by telling her I realized she was working a lot so don't feel pressured about this.
However, now I feel like a wuss. And the paranoia is creeping in, too.
Should I let it slide, act as if, and act like it's not a big deal? Should I test the waters and go for a little spontaneity anyhow?
You know, i have to say that since the honesty has returned, and I'm getting her full attention and commitment, the anxiety over frequency and stuff has mostly disappeared, until now. But now I'm gettin horny, dammit, and our schedule's all shot to hell, and spontaneity is supposedly a bad idea (from her perspective), as is talking about our sex life too much right now (also, her request).
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
If you "gave her the week off" by telling her you would lay off, then
do it and stick to your word. If your horny maybe try to enjoy it without
the need for your wife to take care of it for you. Try to reduce your
needyness in this situation she has been great with trying to fix this
situation, give her the benifit of the doubt. Needyness is not an
afrodisiac, Don't be needy.
Come up with a new schedule... tell her... in view of your new job schedule, I'm not so sure our current sex schdule is going to work for us. Can we look at this together and see how we might modify it? (That doesn't mean have less sex... but maybe change the days/times...)
Tried to discuss this last night. Didn't go well. She thought I was complaining (wasn't).
We ended up on the issue of intimacy vs. sex. Her pronouncement:
"A more intimate and romantic sex life is not going to be affected one way or another by our schedule, whether we schedule it or not, whether it's all just mainly physical or not. A more intimate sex life is going to develop naturally from the time we spend together, helping each other, going out together, etc. The purpose of the schedule is to eliminate the uncertainty, anxiety, and to meet your higher sex drive. All the other stuff will take time to get to where we want to be. We're getting there, but we're not there yet."
Her words, more or less. But she really doesn't like talking about this at all. According to her, we've got the schedule, it's working for us, we have to adjust occasionally, but she is pretty cut and dried, straightforward about this: it's going to take time so why talk about it at all.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
TL... I have to say I really admire how you and your W are working together to heal and improve your marriage. Stay the course and you will see results, not when you expect to, of course...but one day you will wake up and just feel happier about things. The love and respect will come back and forth a little easier, and it will trickle into the bedroom with a glance, a touch, a gesture. You can't control when this will happen, yet I am convinced if you and W continue to put this level of work in, you will begin to feel desire from her. BTW, my H and I also agreed upon a sex schedule for awhile; we stopped because the need wasn't there anymore, there was enough trust built up to let it go.
Your W's response makes a lot of sense to me...I hope she continues in her commitment to the marriage...remember, too, that setbacks occur as you are making progress...it's a natural inclination to pull back. Perhaps she was feeling some increased intimacy and decided( subconciously) to allow for more chaos in her work schedule...or maybe she just wants some extra cash,lol.
Anyway, it certainly sounds like you have learned from mistakes in the past and I hope you get this chance to make things better!
