Quote: Any chance you'd be willing to post me a quick rundown of the high points you think would be helpful for me to think about, the things you read and think "YES!"?
Yeah, I'll do that... but I would be equally interested in your thoughts on it as well... so maybe you should read the book and make notes, and I'll do the same. Then we can compare. Blackfoot has read the book, too, so maybe he'll chime in with his ideas.
How do you know this about scheduled sex? (In the long run it normally fails, because both parties will eventually resent it.)
It's had it's usefulness in my M, and in other people's as well (with LD women in them). You are assuming that it always leads to resentment....my H didn't resent it, others haven't resented it. It's all in how you approach it to begin with. If you approach it with the outlook you already have about it....of course it will lead to resentment....YOU will already be the one resenting it. If it's approached with an open mind however it often takes the pressure off of both spouses.
Personally CeMar, I don't think even YOU know precisely what it is that you want. You say you want your W to "desire" you...well desire takes many forms for many different people. What you want "I think" is for her to desire in the exact way that you desire....however that is. That is very unlikely to happen plain and simple....especially if you refuse to take steps to get to that point. I am assuming too that you haven't taken steps, because if you have I don't know what they are.
CeMar...you can't get from where you are in your M right now to the desire you want her to show you without doing the work to get there on your end....YOU must do SOMETHING, you must try different things, different approaches. YOU must be willing to be vulnerable enough to really open up with your W and be honest with her. You must take the steps to get to the end result. Don't you dare ask me for the steps either....you've been given them, time and time again by many people on here.
Quote: Scheduled sex is basically sex without desire.
Not for me it ain't! I pretty much desire her 24/7...sometimes it's just a simmer, and sometimes the pot's boiling over LOL!
For my wife it IS sex without desire, but it would be that way whether we scheduled it or not.
Quote: In the long run it normally fails, because both parties will eventually resent it.
Is this a "factoid" or an opinion? I would tend to agree. As a permanent solution, I don't think much of it. As a stage in the process of getting to where we want to be, though, I think it has possibilities. Of course, we've only been at this for a few weeks now. But it's been a pretty good few weeks.
If we don't move beyond this over the next few months, however, I will probably be disappointed, but that will be more because our marriage has stagnated than anything else.
I think if you want to be desired, you first have to be desirable. I wasn't, for many reasons, for a long time in our marriage. I am now, and my W admits, objectively, that I am...knows she could very easily be facing plenty of competition LOL
What we think we're doing is creating the best environment we can for everything to grow. I ain't complainin'.
Last edited by toughlover; 10/26/0607:30 PM.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
I am fairly sure that if Mrs. Cemar was the type to say well Thursday to Sunday is too long for you to wait let me give you a blowjob she and Cemar would have a much different relationship.
The fact is that hardlover & his honey came up with a plan together and have stuck with it! congradulations to them.
And sometimes confronted with the possible (or actual) end of the relationship both sides become motivated to do what is needed for the relationship to survive. Sometimes It really does require that the LD spouse is motivated to want to want sex.
Quote: .. Why am I reading a book written by a man for men? 'Cuz I'm dam curious to know what a man who writes a book for men on how to be a superior man would say.
Corri, I am reading the same book and got to page 90. Most of the book makes sense but I have trouble with some of the ideas like a woman not being logical (like the ocean wave) and often testing a man. I know Blackfoot subscribes to or sees the woman testing her man. To me it seems annoying and childish/selfish.
I think a W should trust her H, have faith he will do what is right for the family and hold him accountable for doing the best he can. Testing sounds child like and I thought most W's were beyond that childhood/teenager testing stage.
One thing I do like about Deida book so far is not dumping masculine responsibilities on W's, not looking for a W to give her H ego strokes like he would get from his mother.
Wifely encouragement/respect is different than parental encouragement. Schnarch had something similar which he called a "reflected self worth" a person depends on from others. IE, don't suck out of your close contacts or depend totally on respect from someone else. It drains them dry and pulls then down.
While reading the book, I can see where I made mistakes, allowing BB to challenge me as often as she had in the past. I can see where blackfoot gets some of his ideas. I like many of the ideas in the book. Some of the ideas remind me of passages written in the Bible.
So far, you said you would man I'd climb a mountain for a Deida like man.
I was wondering if you had no sex drive, liked animals better than people, thought men just want control in a R, would you feel the same?
I don't have my other questions organised for posting but would like more of your or any woman's input about what works or doesn't seem to fly on your no sex drive days. I have to consider BB situation and absent libido, but still wanting me to near her but at arm's length.
Quote: I'm just getting into part two on how men should deal with women... but all in all... I keep thinking to myself... 'yep, yep, and yep.'
I have used one short chapter (All the chapters are short) about allowing the W to give her input, for the H to consider it, but for the H to make the final decision based on his core values, not to just please his W.
We were at Home depot and BB wanted a new storm door. I listened to her reasons, some didn't jive with reality (putting a dead-bolt on a storm door and we already have dead-bolt one on the regular house door that cost $99 because BB liked the looks of the dead-bolt lock) so I explained why it didn't make sense and looked at something else and moved on.
On some other household improvements I felt we didn't need, I did them to please BB. Sometimes I felt manipulated or felt BB just wants new things to feel good, not because they are really needed, it's mostly the buzz she gets from shopping.
Lou
PS "You can't see what you can't see. Until you do."
Corri, I used this tag line this week. It is kind of sticking in my mind lately.
Quote: It is the only sexual act during which he can be totally passive, and you become the aggressor. You give, and he receives, experiencing a more feminine, receptive mode
Totally passive?????
What, you don't rub her back, play with her hair while you get your BJ. You are missing out cemar. You could be feeling some of her smooth skin. Maybe let her feel how much you like the BJ while she is doing it. You know, a little feedback while the action is taking place. I think applause is appreciated during an ice skating event almost as much as the final numbers at the end of a performance.
Football games have cheer leaders during the game to keep people pumped up. How about a little pumping up of the main player during the so called "passive male" event
Don't take my word for it. I don't get BJ's, but I do have an imagination what the giver and the recipient might like.
However, we know that men are into it, and ladies, you need to understand why they love receiving oral sex so much. A man’s penis is not only the most sensitive part of his body, but the most vulnerable. It represents his maleness, his sense of power, his identity. Men don’t love oral sex just because it feels so good--they love it because it makes them feel so accepted, so received. It isthe only sexual act during which he can be totally passive, and you become the aggressor. You give, and he receives, experiencing a more feminine, receptive mode
It sure beats having them treat it like this then like it was a rabid dog!
There is some enjoyment from recieving oral even if the erect stage isn't there. Yet without the man moaning, or touching the woman or something there is no feedback to the woman and it becomes an act that even he won't request.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Maybe let her feel how much you like the BJ while she is doing it. You know, a little feedback while the action is taking place. I think applause is appreciated during an ice skating event almost as much as the final numbers at the end of a performance.