Scheduling: A Help or a Hindrance?

[toughlover]

You say Saturday is "oral" day. Are both of you getting oral?

Nope. Just me When we started discussing scheduling this, my suggestion was Tues, Thurs, and Sat. Her response was, "Let's make that Sunday instead, but since it's so long from Thurs to Sun, I'll help you out a little Saturday morning."

Now, if that ain't love, I don't know what is

How does your wife ever show you "Desire", or do you not need this?

Need it? No. Want it? Absolutely. I'm a guy. Also, being a guy, I know my other choice is to not have it at all. No brainer. If she just laid there, squeezed her eyes shut, and said, "Hurry up" I'd say no thanks. But she's not that way at all. She's very sweet, and I'm very good to her. It ain't ideal right now, but what is? And I should say that every other part of our life, from our social time to working together on projects and managing finances, to dealing w/the kids is great, better than it's ever been.

She says she doesn't have much desire for me right now, and may never. So the other alternative is not to have it at all. It really hurts that she's not attracted to me right now. Really hurts. But my previous treatment of her pretty well stomped that out years before she cheated, and I understand that. I was extremely mean, hateful, and critical to her, so I Don't blame her for it...it's just a consequence I have to live with. I wouldn't have any desire for someone like that either. However, I truly hope that will change because now I truly love and respect her, and the quality of that love is so much better because I am so much better. There is way more that's gone into this than cotton underwear and pink binders, too. Many of the more serious problems like me never truly listening to her, not solving problems together, etc., are 180 degrees different now, and it's made a huge difference. Plus, I identified all of the things she hated doing around the house, and now I do them when I'm home. Doing the dishes, for instance. She's a great cook, but hates spending all that time cooking, then having to clean it all up herself, plus do laundry, manage the home, take care of the kids, THEN find time to do stuff she likes (church stuff, garage sales, part-time job). So as long as I'm home, the kitchen is spotless and the dishes are done. I told her that she's the star in the kitchen, so I'm her road crew that makes it all happen and cleans up afterward. Makes a huge difference in everything, and was something I never really did for 10+ years.

How does she show you that you turn her on FIRST?

She doesn't because, right now, I don't turn her on first. I can't, even though I try anyway. But I'm a grownup, and I love her, so I got over it. Our sitch is this: I'm a decent looking guy, in great shape (running, weights, sports) at 39, and she has always told me that when it comes to the physical part of sex, I do everything right and then some. No complaints, and she usually sings my praises. But my previous treatment of her made that irrelevant.

There is no magic that removes that or suddenly replaces it either. I think we as men just want to fix things and have them be better. Well, I do everything I can to repair the damage to our relationship that I caused, and I believe she is as well, so I just try and be the best I can be in everything every day, and have gotten to the point where I'm no longer a problem here. So I hope that element will return. But there is no magic, no guarantee, and while I'm not happy about it, I understand my role in all this.

I finally truly understand what a precious gift her love, desire, and body were/are, so if I'm ever blessed with ALL of that again, I will treasure it like you wouldn't believe.

And like I always say, if after all this she ever decides to dump me anyway, if there ever is a wife #2 she's going to hit the mother lode

I don't want to give the impression it's easy. It's not. But she's worth it, our family's worth it.

He's noticing what she likes without her having to tell him. He goes out and gets it for her, just because, and isn't waiting for a special occassion. They aren't BIG gifts... they are 'from the heart' gifts... simply because he is paying attention. HE is noticing what matters to her, what she needs. Not buying her stuff HE would neccessarily like to see her in, i.e., when she needed underwear, he got what she wore, not panties from VS. This stuff matters. A ton.

Yep, that's it. Exactly. It's all about her...but because she sees how sincerely I make it all about her, she responds in kind. She's really great.