I've got a question, especially for wives, but really for anyone who's gone this route. My main thread is in piecing, and is linked in my sig for anyone interested in all the details, but basically, here's my sitch/question:
My W and I have recommitted ourselves to our M, and we both want it to be everything it can be. Over the years, she's lost her emotional/sexual interest in me because of alot of anger, fighting, etc. She also became attracted to an OM who she had an A with for 3 years before ending it, cold turkey, in July. Since then we've been in MC and making tremendous progress in all areas.
The sexual/emotional side of things is progressing, but MUCH slower than everything else. I'm not sure there's anything I can do about this that I'm not doing without doing TOO MUCH, going too over the top. I think slow and steady probably wins the race here.
I am fairly HD...4-5 times a week would be great. She is lower, probably 2 would be plenty, more likely 1.
Given our sitch, though, the spontaneity factor is kind of tough, since right now nothing I do seems to get her in the mood at all, and without a strong emotional connection, she can't get all that enthused about sex.
She is willing, however, because she recognizes it's important.
Because we are very active and busy, and spend a good bit of recreational/conversational time together, we decided to eliminate the anxiety of "how often is too often for me to pursue sex" and that sort of stuff by scheduling it, for now, as a temporary measure "until the desire comes back."
Luckily for me, she thought Tues, Thurs, Sat. morn., and Sun night is fair
So that's going well. My question, though, is this:
On the one hand, I like the schedule cause it takes the guesswork and the worry out of it given everything else we're working on. On the other, I think that guesswork, mystery, and "no guarantees" aspect has a lot to do with making things more interesting.
So, Does being on a schedule like that truly provide fertile ground for the emotional connection to be made, for attraction to redevelop, or have we actually turned this into another chore, like laundry or dishes, that will always be done simply because it needs to be done, and sort of make it more difficult for the spark to reignite?
Neither of us, I don't think, would be truly happy if the desire never returned, the mutual attraction and all the feelings associated with it.
She says we (well, mainly ME) should be patient, that they'll most likely develop over time if I keep being "great" (her words) in all the other areas we've been very successful in. I have been "minimally romantic" in that I didn't want to pour it on too thick when it might make her uncomfortable, but I think she needs to know how I feel about her. So, I'll show up at home occasionally with a flower, a small piece of furniture or something she's had her eye on, take her out and do fun stuff, etc.
Any thoughts? Anyone else out there ever got started this way? Did the emotional connection reoccur to your satisfaction?
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
You know, it's weird. If a person is not required to participate and is treated like too much of a princess, it actually does the opposite and makes them LESS invested in the R. Having to physically and mentally make overtures to another person...do nice things, be considerate, make time, arrange dates, etc etc, changes our feelings. It's the ol feelings-follow-behavior stuff.
But that really wasn't your question.
For me, I couldn't be successful with a schedule (even though I am HD enough to once have warranted a "are you a sex addict" question from a fellow poster) unless we were hittin on all cylinders. Meaning, the relationship was full of a sufficient amount of quality time and instances that reinforced feelings of 'coupleness'. If she is satisfied with the R in these areas, then I see no reason not to try a schedule and attend to your needs. I suppose what I am trying to say is that requiring a whole romantic partner--instead of just a willing wife on the XXX days--might work better at creating the type of R you are looking for. Things like saying "Come here and give me a kiss" (as opposed to you always going to her) or "You know what I'd love sometime? For you to cook me a candlelight dinner" etc. Ok, I know my suggestions are girly and if my H were to read em, he'd bust out laughing at how little I understand the male brain. What I am *saying* though, is to make requests of her and lead her towards an R where you both participate. Anyway, good luck with the schedule.
Thought I'd update a little on this since this seems to be an unusual topic and thought someone might find this useful.
We've been doing this a few weeks now. Scheduled ML sessions (Tues, Thurs, Sat am(oral), Sun pm). It's interesting. Here's my observations...and keep in mind these are just my opinions based on my experience...no hard and fast rules here:
Positives: -It does ALOT to remove anxiety about sex if you're not completely on the same page, but are good at working together and truly want to make things work. LDS knows what and when so he/she can do whatever they need to prepare and make it positive. HDS (me) knows when so there's no anxiety about "if" it will happen or "when" will I get it again.
-Gives us a sense of accomplishment, a potential problem we've solved constructively. Eliminates a lot of frustration that builds up over not having the HDS physical needs met, frustration that often bleeds over into other issues or causes other issues.
-It's kind of fun, an event (we call it "Happy Tuesday", etc.), and a private joke. Seems to lighten things up a little.
-LDS often ends up in the mood or happy about it even though they would have never gone looking for it to begin with, so it results in some closeness and good feelings. Otherwise, she might turn me down if she's not in the mood, but since it's "on the schedule", she's committed to following through, and is often happy she did.
-LDS learns to give as a gift; HDS learns to accept as a gift and doesn't require it to be a totally mindblowing experience for the LDS every time. Now, as an HD, to me it's always superterrifichappyhour...I don't think I could ever turn my wife down.
Right now, in our sitch, the positives are outweighing the drawbacks, which in my opinion include lack of romance, lack of spontaneity. But it's only been a couple of weeks, and that stuff needs to grow out of a general lack of intimacy we've experienced for years, so that will take a while. However, I believe that since we're working on those things outside the bedroom, they will end up influencing what happens in the bedroom. Also, this schedule eliminates a possible point of contention and distraction while we work on some of the more pressing issues that, again, we hope will make ML even better.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
That sounds really positive over all. I think I'd like the introduction of something different once in a while. Would your budget support a once a month sojourn to a resturant or a hotel overnight? Maybe just a flower on the table that night with the mac'n cheese.
Pity me that the heart is slow to learn
What the swift mind beholds at every turn.
Edna St. Vincent Millay
Thanks y'all. Kinda feels wierd to post about it, but if it helps I'll keep going.
We've got a couple special restaurants we're hitting regularly...one a small neighborhood cafe we like, and the other a plain ol restaurant that we just like. We're working up to the night or weekend getaways. Tough with two kids and all their activities, but I'm making it happen.
RE-"something different": I know that my wife likes for me to be the dominant one in the BR, and she also likes for someone to make a fuss over her, do something special. Doesn't have to be a big deal, just the fact that I keep an eye on what she likes and do little stuff really speaks to her "love language." She's really gotten into pink things, so one day (not thinking I was doing anything major) I stopped at the bookstore and bought her a pink binder (she's in a pretty intense Bible study right now and has been using a red binder for her worksheets) and some pink mechanical pencils (I noticed she really liked using my mechanical pencils). Well SHE FLIPPED OUT!
So a few days a week, usually on our "happy" days, I bring her something pink, or at least something she really likes and uses wrapped in pink, and say "happy pink day" heh. She sings in church and uses a lot of cough drops when her throat gets scratchy, so sometimes it's just pink cough drops.
One day I noticed her "everyday undies" had seen better days so I showed up at lunchtime with a few packs of plain ol' cotton Hanes panties, and she flipped out again.
So, there's the expectation of the day/time for sex, whatever, but we've turned it somehow into these mini-festivals that are just sort of fun and relaxed and humorous...and a test to see how creative I can be.
And she prefers the man to be the pursuer, which has been an issue lately since, having been cheated on, my confidence was shot, but she also needs to respect the person doing the pursuing which, again, adultery is the ultimate lack of respect. Fortunately, our MC (we don't go much anymore) had my W focusing on showing me respect and observing what I do that is worthy of her respect, and that seems to be helping a lot.
So somehow all this playful "gifting" and whatnot, along with the MC, seems to be helping solve a lot of those problems.
I can't believe it was ever this simple. I'd have been doing stuff like this from day 1.
You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means. -- Inigo Montoya, 'The Princess Bride'
