2) My wife believes that, fundamentally, the only way she can ensure I act 'like I care' is to try and force things. She repeatedly says some form of "the only time you do what is right is when I 'make' you do it". This particular comment I find hurtful when she says it.
My wife has said the same thing to me and then she feels like she is a nag. I need to recognize what household chores need to be done around the house. If she says, I need you to do this or that, I will smile and say of course I will do it. She asked me this past Sunday if I would clean the bathtub, and I told her I would be glad to and keeping me busy will take my mind off Steven so thank you for suggesting that to me.
3) Therefore, when I do do what is right in her eyes, she does not give me credit for doing so, because she 'made' me do it. Therefore, I cannot earn her approval, if that were my goal.
Yeah, I've gotten that too and you feel you are like in a no-win situation. Accept that fact, think on it briefly and then let it go (I can't believe its me giving this type of advice). Continue to do it anyway and do it because you love God.
4) I believe my wife is a very needy and insecure person. She has few relationships outside our family, and so she tends to attribute too much of her self esteem to our relationship and her relationships with the boys. This in turn, manifests itself in attempts to control.
My wife is also insecure and had very few friends. She is insecure about her weight too and blames me because the stress and anger I put her through makes it tough to loose the rest of the weight. That may be true in her mind, but its not. Ignore it, be the big person.
5) Since I have been pushing the intimacy issues really hard, it has become much more clear that the reason we don't have enough is because my wife lets so many insecurities from other areas of her life affect this area. Worries about our sons and their issues, worries about my work time, worries about money. She can no longer say that I am the problem, as she once did.
I have not pushed intimacy what so ever because were not ready. In fact, I don't know if my wife will ever forgive me so I just have to be patient.
She can see the relationship is changing, and that her life is undergoing big changes, and she doesn't know what to do with all of it. She swings from looking forward to the future to recriminating about the past. She swings from trying to be loving to being very denigrating.
I hope my w sees changes in me too, but if she has, I know she will never say so because she is too proud. Again, that is her issue, not mine and I have to accept that.
I want to love her and help her, and I try, but how do I help her do this? How can I help her to let go, and to start looking outside these problems to what life has to offer her?
Sorry, I don't have an answer to that one, but I wish I did. If someone else does, please tell us.
