I have to cut it down from 5 pages to 2 pages and make sure I just talk about Steven and not how what he did affected me. So I have taking the humility part out of the eulogy other then to say 2 sentences of how Steven dealt with it when he got angry. In addition, I have cut out a lot of things regarding children other then to say that they should be loved and supported as they are, not what we parents think they should be. That's about all I said on that one.
One change I did make is for the longest time I have always hated cats and said very often and for many years that I wish cats were extinct. My W has a cat and she and my children love cats.
On Sunday, while carving pumpkins, the cat came by and I would normally scare it away. However, I quickly thought what my nephew would do and what would he want me to do. Instead I fed the cat. And when I got home from work, I already knew my W was taking my kids trick or treating since we discussed it earlier in the day. The cat cryed and I fed her. Later, I reflected on Steven and I let my emotions get the beter of me. The cat, being in the same room with me, ended up next to me because I got it. The cat doesn't trust me and I don't blame her because to her, I probably resemble Frankenstein. Anyway, I held and petted her and when my family came home, I took them by complete surprise and they were happy to see that. My w asked me about it and I told her what happened, but I did, tell a lie because I said the cat came to me to console me. This morning, my dauther brought the cat to me and she was scared. My daughter tried to explain that I was no threat to her and again I repeated the Frankenstein line and my w her that too. If someone told me 2 weeks ago that I would treat a cat this way, I would have said you are either on drugs or completly insane.
Last night I told my w about a discussion I had with my family this past Monday night when I went to visit. My sister and her husband had not come home yet. The past was brought up. My other sister said we are not a close family and pointed to my mother that it was her fault. In all honesty, my mom never told us she loved us. On the contrary, she was very critical of us and would compare us to our cousins. We knew she loved us because she would do things in other ways, but it was not something she expressed. My w was taken by surprise that mom would do that. She was especially hard on my two sisers. I told my sister "You know, I am just as guilty as you are. When I get upset, angry, hurt, I react back as I was a child. We can't use that excuse anymore. Were adults. If were not a close family, we can change that. It is going to take work on our part, but I hope it becomes 2nd nature that we do this without even thinking about it. I told them we should start telling each other that we love them. I told the whole family that before I went home and kissed them all goodbye before I left. I made sure to tell my younger brother to do the same since he left before me.
Thank you all for telling me that earlier, I just didn't understand what you were saying because I didn't feel it. I do now. I am actually considering telling my BIL and FIL the same thing, regardless of 3 priests telling me I don't and shouldn't do that since they were the ones who were rude and hurtful. I believe my nephew would want me to do that. My reaction to them was due to my own insecurities and my own past. Just feeling the way I do right now, I feel a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. What a relief.
