Thank you for your kind words. Its been a tough year. My aunt, also my godmother, died last October, my uncle died last month, but loosing a child is really tough. I learned one thing and that is to cherish the precious gift of a child that God gives you. Children should be told at least once a day that you love them. If parents don't do that, they fail as parents. Children should not be criticized for their mistakes or failures, rather, they should be loved and supported and accepted for who they are, just as they are. It saddens me that I had put my children through a DYFS person. That was very hard on them, and I am responsible for it and have to live with it now. I got very bad advice to do what I did, and I should have thought with my heart, not my mind. I know that is in the past, I have to work on the future. My W is overwehelmed with a lot on her shoulders. A lot of times she does it to herself. Why is it so important to work on one project after another at home, rather then 1st work on your own relationship? I think that's wrong. Only time will tell. Perhaps, in praying to my nephew now, maybe he will intercede for me and ask God to allow my W to have a forgiving heart. I don't think we can move forward without forgivness and forgetting the past. My youngest sister still blames my parents for the way things are, and she is 39 years old. Yet my other sister, who just lost her son, isn't complaining. She is more then devestated, yes, but who wouldn't be. I hope her and her husband seek somebody to talk to for grief counseling. Rocco
Unhappy have you ever read "Love Life for Every Married Couple", by Dr. Ed Wheat? It is the first book I got even before DR and DB. This book talks all about intimacy and what you said about it sometimes being all wrapped up in things that have nothing to do with sexual intimacy. It is written from a Christian perspective, which I find helpful. Sometimes women have a hard time getting in the mood if there is stuff yet to be done, like housework. I couldn't care less about housework, which is unfortunately one of my H's complaints about me, but I am trying to at least keep the house fairly clean, now. But sleep, is one of the things that was a problem with us. My H would want to be intimate after I was already in bed asleep, after he had watched tv late, exercised and otherwise found stuff to keep himself busy. Now I have learned to put that all aside, and he comes to bed earlier, thank goodness. And when he doesn't, I try to go to bed earlier so I can get a decent night's sleep. of course there's always the morning. If she feels she is being used, then try some of the stuff in this book. Don't tell her to do her wifely duties, that might make her even less apt to do so. Do you help her around the house? Do a task that she hates to do, and see if she appreciates that, but don't tell her you did it just to get some later. Some women also really like for their H to initiate intimacy most of the time or even all the time. It doesn't always mean they don't want it. I am learning to initiate sometimes, too. Good Luck to you, I hope what you are doing helps. L
Hey Rocco, I am sorry for your loss. I held my mother as she died in a similar scenario a couple of years ago. You're right, nothing prepares you for that type of experience. It will stick with you, but you will grow stronger from it. Write your eulogy, and find the best way you can to say goodbye and to celebrate his life. For, as you say, he overcame his physical challenges to touch those around him, including you. That means his life was something to celebrate. You all will go through this, and you will grow from it. I will pray for your family.
You have had a tough year, Rocco, but now it's time to grieve and then do what you need to do to help yourself. Your kids seeing and talking to a DYFS person, probably did them no lasting harm, they got stuff out in the open, and that can only help them. Your wife getting overwhelmed with stuff that she brings on herself, is possibly a coping mechanism for her. If she can do lots of projects and stay very busy, she doesn't have to think so much about all the problems. You may think it's wrong, but I bet she thinks your way of coping is wrong, too. One thing you could do in a few days or so, Thank your W for being there for you when your nephew died. Show her and tell her you appreciate that. And remember don't forgive her and then take the forgiveness back. Would God do that? Good Luck, L
Sorry about your nephew and I sure send my best to your sister and her husband. It is interesting how one person's perspective can be so much more positive even though their external sitch looks bleak....
Your children will someday face death in your family and so, seeing what you DO now and in the next few weeks, will model for THEM how to respond when it happens in their life. I grieved after my father's death and my children saw me do so, but they also saw me eventually move forward, laugh and love again. Our pain is NOT fatal and it is Not eternal and it Will pass and those are things you can teach your children, right now.
good luck, j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thank you everyone for your support. Children sure can teach us a lot of the kind of person you should be. I just about finished my eulogy, have to fine tune it, my sister said she was pleased that I am wrote it. I was at my parents last night. My sister and her husband had been gone most of the day doing the dreadful work regarding funeral arrangement. She came back in the evening very distraught and upset and there is nothing I can do to remove the pain she is suffering. She has great faith and trust in Jesus and told me that is what is getting her through this.
My W's way of coping with things is to do one project after another. She told me that in the past. And you're right, my wife thinks I am wrong in the way I cope with things just the way I think she is wrong the way she copes with things.
My nephew taught me a lot. This is a boy who is in heaven and was a very humble person. My sister told me yesterday, that one evening at church on Holy Thursday, she couldn't get him to leave after mass. Standing right next to him she called to him, touched him, but he didn't hear her. Finally, my nephew came back and my sister questioned him. He said to her, "Mom, didn't you see the light?" She said, no and that was it. She said that she realized Steven had a vision, seeing more then just light, but out of humility, Steven didn't say what else he saw. And that is not the 1st time that has happened to him. In the gospel, Jesus does say that to enter the kingdom of heaven, one must have the heart of a child, meaning, one must be innocent and humble. He certainly taught me a lot and I have to put that into practice in my own life.
At church yesterday, my sister told me that the priest said that God has welcomed a new saint, Saint Steven. I told my daughter that this morning. She told that to my w and my w questioned me why I would say that and I just answered her that that is what the priest told my sister at mass. My w raised her eyebrows and left, a signal once again that in her mind, I said the wrong thing to my children. That is what happens to people who have no faith or trust in God.
When I finish my euology, I would like to attach it to this site as a word documnet. The funeral is this Saturday. Please continue to pray for my family, especially my sister and her husband.
Rocco, I am sorry for what you are going through right now. You'll get through ir okay, though. Let me ask you something. Is your W of the same religion as you? If not, she perhaps has different beliefs on certain things, maybe that's why she will give you those looks. Or maybe she is questioning her beliefs. You take care of yourself and hug your kids and your W, too, if she will let you. L
I have attached my nephew's eulogy and begin a sentence in CAPS, an area about myself and relationships. Do you think I should say this and it won't offend or anger my wife? Listed below is the condensed version. PLEASE COMMENT TO MY COMMENT LISTTED IN CAPS.
Steven's Eulogy
For the last 12 years or so of Steven’s short life, he couldn’t walk. Now that may be an odd and strange way to begin a eulogy, and I would agree with you. In fact, it sounds crazy to begin a eulogy this way. It’s not so crazy though since I am the one who wrote it, which tells you a lot about me. However, there is a reason for beginning it this way and I will revisit that when I close my eulogy with an added remark, and then it will, I hope for many of you, make sense, so please bear with me.
I have thought about Steven a lot over the past week and I have learned a lot about Steven this past week, more then I ever knew before during his lifetime. This was a boy who I never heard complain, feel sorry for himself, didn’t blame anyone or God for his misfortune or ever utter “why me or why did this happen to me?” Based on what was told to me by Richard, his father, Steven was a boy who never said an unkind word about anybody and when I always saw him, he was always smiling. You would all have to agree that Steven had a positive attitude. And in all the struggles Steven had to endure, I ask myself, how is it possible for someone to go through life with all the physical problems he had and be the kind of person he was?
This was a boy who had the inner strength, heart and courage of a lion. A strength so strong, that for me personally, I am light years behind him. And I think about where did he find such courage and strength? First and foremost he had to get that strength from Jesus. Secondly, he also got this from his parents, Therese and Richard. As their parents, I never heard them complain either, so they set a great example for Steven.
"THERESE shared with me in the hospital about a situation that happened at her church a few weeks ago. A man approached Steven and said to him, “Thank you for Saving my Life.” Steven and Therese looked at him wondering why this man would say that. The man didn’t elaborate of what caused his pain and why he was suffering other then to say, “I have suffered from depression for many years of my life, but when I saw your son in a wheelchair every week in church, he was always smiling. And the man said to himself, “Why am I so miserable?” One never knows how much or how long this man was suffering from depression. Was he at a point to take his own life and hurt those who loved him too? How many others did Steven help during his lifetime we will never know, but I believe he helped a lot of people. And he helped these people by just being himself. And that brings up my next point about children. The thing that comes to mind is to love and cherish our children. "CHILDREN are a precious gift from God and they should be loved for just who they are, not who you want them to be or who you think they should be. We should all be treated this way. It makes us feel good when we are treated this way." (I HAVE SAID TO MY WIFE IN THE PAST THAT IT HURTS ME THAT PEOPLE DO NOT ACCEPT ME).
"STEVEN was not a proud person at all but a very humble person, something we all should strive for. Therese also shared with me that when Steven got upset or angry at someone, he was quick to apologize for his behavior. He would call the person to come to him because he had to and tell that person just how sorry he was. Not to do so, would be an act of pride. And you could never say a dirty word around Steven. If you did, he would correctly tell you “That wasn’t nice or that was wrong, now you should go to confession.” That is the kind of inner strength he exemplified. Wasn’t Jesus a humble person? He came into this world born in a stable, not a way we would expect a king to enter the world. If that’s not a sign of humility, then I don’t know what is. In man’s way of thinking, a king should come into this world born in a luxurious setting, surrounded by dukes and dignitaries and honored for who they are. But that is not how Jesus entered this world. In the gospel, Jesus states that to enter the kingdom of heaven, one must have the heart of a child. I believe that means that children are innocent and humble and that is the way to enter heaven. Steven knew that more then most people and its something we should learn too. Not just learn it, but practice it and live it, just the way Steven did." (AGAIN, I HAVE TOLD MY WIFE SHE IS NOT A HUMBLE PERSON).
"STEVEN passed into heaven on October 28, 2006. I found out about it the following day on October 29th, my birthday. Selfishly, I felt cheated this way and once again began to feel sorry for myself. So as you can see, I have much self-improvement work ahead of me. However, this past Wednesday, I decided to turn this into a positive. I am actually fortunate to find out about Steven going into heaven on my birthday. Why? Because now I will always remember that day as the day I found out my nephew went to heaven. I will be able to recall just who Steven was and what he meant to so many people. It will be a constant reminder to me to become the loving husband, father, son and brother I should be because I want to be a better man. I want to be able to be this person where it becomes 2nd nature for me so I don’t have to even think about it, just let it come naturally. I’m not there yet, but that is one of my goals." (A MESSAGE TO MY WIFE THAT MY GOAL IS TO CHANGE).
To close, people will say that Steven was taken much too soon by God, and its perfectly understandable to say that. I’ve said it myself. Steven is no longer suffering but it’s the people he left behind who are in pain. Right now, Therese and Richard need our love and support as much as possible. Steven overcame his physical challenges to touch those around him and that is something to celebrate. Steven, I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching me so much about life. I hope you all have learned something from Steven too. And to get back to my opening remarks, Steven was a boy who couldn’t walk for the last 12 years or so of his life. But now, not only is he walking, he is flying amongst the angels in heaven. Let us be successful to, like Steven, and let us strive to get to heaven too.
I love you Steven, we all love you, and we will forever miss you during our time here on earth. God Bless all of you.
Love,
Uncle Rocky
Given this day, in the year of our Lord, November 4, 2006 at our Lady of the Mountain Church.
