We had a good discussion last night - really confronting the issue of lack of intimacy head on. I have made it clear that we need to address the issues of lack of intimacy, and that this is another facet of the crisis that needs to be fixed for the relationship to move on.
The dynamic in our relationship has been that intimacy is tied to other things that it is not related to. In other words, it became kind of a reward system, or it became bound up in my wife's emotions about unrelated things (frustrations with children, etc). Or, her rigidity about her schedule, her housework, etc, results in her deciding she cannot be available at bedtime (she needs her sleep, the housework is not done, etc). In other words, it goes in last place behind everything else for whatever reason. The net result, as I said above, was a very infrequent intimate life, and a situation where I had to initiate all affection for it to happen. There are more specifics, but suffice it to say it is very frustrating for both of us. When the intimacy happens, it is great, but that just leads to more frustration when it doesn't. I have tried to tell her that I personally will make it freely available and I have been making this crystal clear in many ways - affirming her, wooing her, taking her on dates, making my intentions unmistakeable. When she throws up the usual roadblocks, I told her I expect her to meet her responsibilities as well, but I am having trouble making this clear in a way that doesn't result in her feeling that she is just being used.
In any case, our discussion confronted this head on, so we will see if the attitude can be changed. I am hopeful, because, like in the other areas, change is now necessary in this for us to move to the next plane in our relationship.
