I admire you for breaking your cycle they way you have, and for sharing your story here. As you say, controlling the other person and forcing them to change is not possible. You only move through these situations by taking charge of yourself, which includes the emotions and feelings and reactions. Letting go of the past is one thing, and we have all urged Rocco to do that in different ways. Letting go of the present, as it happens, and learning to be in control of your life, your reactions, your own self-help - that is the key I have found. I am on my way to healing, whether within or out of my marriage it is too early to tell, but in any case it will be no more blaming others or being a victim for me. My life is too short to go on in that way - I don't intend to look back 20 years from now and be regretful about those years the way I am over the past 20. Its showtime.
I had a great session with my DB coach Laurie and since so much is going on in my life, I need to take some baby steps. I have written it down and I need to not take her negative interactions so personal. If she swears at me, rather then walk away, I decided to do something different and that is I will tell her "I am sorry you are so upset, is there anything I can do?" That is something different that I normally would not do. You will learn something even if she still is resentful, but don't worry about it. Do things that work or feel is working and stop doing things that don't work.
In an unrelated issue, my 16 year old nephew, who has been in a wheel chair since the age of 3 due to a tumor in the stem of his brain which was removed at age 3 along with the 1st three vertebreas of his spine, is back in the hospital for the umpteenth time with his 4th bout with pnemonio. My mom just called me and doctors do not expect him to live through the day. So I will have to sign off for now but will return, maybe today, tomorrow or Monday. I really do appreciate your messages to me.
Hey Rocco, sounds like good advice. Try to listen through the negative talk to see what she is really saying. Underneath,there will be some issues that you can make constructive steps to resolve. Your coach is the expert, rely on her advice.
I am sorry to hear about your nephew. Our prayers will be for your nephew and your family.
Rocco, sorry to hear about your nephew. I am glad to hear about your session with Laurie going so well. I hope things start to look up for you now you have some direction. Unhappy, I'm glad to hear that you are continuing to make progress. Just because your W says it is selfish, doesn't mean it is. It is you taking care of you for a change. It will be a long hard road to recovery of your M, but anything worth having is worth working that hard for. Taking long walks is a great idea, you can clear your mind and get fit at the same time. Sounds like something I could start doing. So, everyone this is a good weekend for us all, so far. My H is acting a little sweeter, so, unless I am being completely fooled by him, things are looking up some. L
Rocco--prayers to your nephew. VC, I'll keep my fingers crossed and Unhap, keep up your stuff, as VC said.
BTW, yes parts of my childhood sucked but by no means was it all "Hell". guys, just wanted you to know that my sisters and I are Very close, as are some of the boys and 8 out of 9 ain't bad. Seriously, my dad drank too much but that doesn't sum him up; he was also a man who tried hard, when sober, to do the right thing, and he was in many ways, a great man. He was complicated. My siblings are all very witty, 3 of us do stand up comedy. Growing up we had a lot of laughter in the home, and music/art from my mother. She painted and played the piano and built us a tree house...my dad paid us to read classic books and give oral reports/(i.e., speak in front of people)---4 of us are lawyers, but don't hold that against us....
I had done forgiveness work for a long time, with my dad. So when he was dying of cancer in a hospital room, and asked for forgiveness from me, I meant it when I said "you are forgiven." It was THE most spiritual moment of my life.
Today, my family gets together often, the sisters (and mom) speak almost daily no matter where we live, and I've been able to take my mom on cruises and trips overseas, b/c I owe her so much, and she is hilarious. I have so many friends who LOVE my family and wish theirs was as close....don't feel sorry for me....I am at peace and am grateful my family wasn't so "normal." Yep, things bad happened and I sure won't do those things to my kids. But please, I am NOT unfortunate, or saddled by sad memories of the past...nor do I see myself as "overcoming" some huge adversity to accomplish what I have...seriously, look at Africa and the Middle East... I thank God I live where and when I live...
I say all this "happy" stuff, to balance what I shared earlier. NOT due to any shame, either. I just cannot stand to hear people who got hurt then choose to STAY hurt....I went to some adult child of alcoholics meetings and saw a guy from work there and we spoke, it was the holidays and he had an issue...about 5 years later I saw him at another meeting with the SAME exact issue....I just don't want to ever be like that guy---No progress over decades of life----Still blaming parents for their failures, real or perceived---and just STUCK forever... Anyone know what I'm talking about?
I like support groups at times of crisis and self discovery, and I LOVE this type of bb support group for ongoing work too. But that's b/c most people here ARE working on our lives.....But sometimes we just get bogged down in our victim labels - and I see SO MUCH of that in Rocco's words, I guess i want to warn others to watch for this...it is No way to live...let alone to be happy.
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Right again mlc. when we get bogged down in our victim labels, we can't do anything positive about our situation. My whole childhood didn't suck, either. We had lots of great times, my stepfather loved to travel, so we did lots of it all over the country and to Canada and Mexico. My father, even though an alcoholic, loved his kids, and never lifted a hand to us. Of course, after the age of ten, I didn't see him for a long time, but by then, he had quit drinking, and I loved his sense of humor, alot like mine. I found a lot of stuff we had in common. He died about 6 years ago, and I miss some of the talks we had. He, too told me he was sorry. We all get together at least a couple of times a year, and are pretty close. I love my mother, but we have never been close, I am the one she calls for info about the others. My early life was hard, but I let go of the bad parts, and when I think back, it's usually the good stuff that I think of. The situation I am in now, is harder than any of that, because now I am a grown up and have to fix it myself. So, if I were to sit and stew over past hurts, I would never be able to DB and move forward with my work on M. My H was acting very happy this morning, so who knows? You are right that Rocco has seemed to get kind of stuck in the hurts, but maybe now that he has started counseling with Laurie, he will start to move forward past the hurts.
Hey Unhappy, it looks like you are really moving along with your positive mental attitude. Taking control must feel good to you. Giving it up sure is feeling good to me. Good for you I am happy for you, pretty sonn maybe you can change to HappyInAZ. L
I am sorry to say that my nephew, Steven, passed away this past Saturday. Nothing prepared me, my two brothers and my youngest sister when we went to see him on Saturday. When we got there, the deacon was holding hands and praying with my other sister and her husband around their only child.
After it was over, I walked in, saw the horror that I saw, and lasted only about a minute before I had to walk out. Of course, we were all in the room later on, but there is nothing worse then to see an innocent boy go through this. I can somewhat understand when a war veteran talks about the horror of death in battle.
My nephew had a lot of things wrong with him. He has had many surgeries throughout his short life. My sister would have to bath him, help him go to the bathroom, feed him, etc. I cannot understand the extent of what she and her husband had to go through in taking care of such sick child.
But when I walked into that room for the 1st time, my sister’s head was on his arm, and she was petting his hand. Both of his lungs were filled with blood, his body was blown up like a balloon that I didn’t even recognize him as my own nephew. His heart was beating, sometimes as high as 228 beats per minute, the machines he was hooked up to, was helping him breath and his body was bouncing up and down because the machines were helping him breath. Because his lungs were filled with blood from the lung disease that he had, the blood was oozing a little out of his mouth and nose. He was heavily sedated and his eyes stared into space and never even blinked. He looked like a live corpse is the best way I can describe it, but I can’t even come close to explaining how bad he looked because no one can understand unless they saw it for themselves. Thank God my mom didn’t go because she wouldn’t have survived it herself.
And there is nothing I could do about it to help my nephew or my sister. There is no words, no comfort to make the pain and sorrow go away. My sister related a story about a man at her Roman Catholic Church. This man approached my nephew about 3 weeks ago, took his hand and said to my nephew “Thank you for saving my life.” My nephew and my sister said “Why?” The man said he was suffering from depression all his life, but when he would see Steve, he said, why am I so sad? Steven was a boy who never complained, was always happy, never felt sorry for himself, never said an unkind word to anybody, never said why me, never blamed God for his misfortune, etc.
I realize this weekend he was the strongest person I ever knew. In terms of strength, he was light years ahead of me, for as you can see, I am a constant complainer, who does feel sorry for himself. My nephew has the heart and strength of a lion.
Me, at church yesterday, I had to leave right after communion, go in the basement of the church where CCD is taught, go in one of the classrooms, and cry my eyes out to the point I lost my breath. I will never get that image of my nephew out of my mind. I feel so heart broken, especially for my sister, her husband and the grandparents. Certainly, no one expects to bury their own children, or grandchildren for that matter.
I plan to write a eulogy to my nephew Steven, though no one knows that right now. I am going to start it by saying that Steven couldn’t walk for the last 12 or so years of his life. I am going to end it by saying, “Although Steven couldn’t walk for the last 12 years of his life, and he is now flying amongst the angels in heaven.”
I have to try and get back to work to keep my mind off of it. I did take my children to the Halloween Train Ride yesterday to take my mind off of it. I cleaned the bathrooms and worked a little about the house, but a lot of the time, my kids were sad because they had to see me cry for much of the day. Yesterday, they sang happy birthday to me, but I was in no mood to celebrate. I thanked them all for it. I kissed my kids and hugged my wife. My W was very supportive, and she even consoled me but touching me, so that was good.
Please pray for my family during this very difficult time.
We had a good discussion last night - really confronting the issue of lack of intimacy head on. I have made it clear that we need to address the issues of lack of intimacy, and that this is another facet of the crisis that needs to be fixed for the relationship to move on.
The dynamic in our relationship has been that intimacy is tied to other things that it is not related to. In other words, it became kind of a reward system, or it became bound up in my wife's emotions about unrelated things (frustrations with children, etc). Or, her rigidity about her schedule, her housework, etc, results in her deciding she cannot be available at bedtime (she needs her sleep, the housework is not done, etc). In other words, it goes in last place behind everything else for whatever reason. The net result, as I said above, was a very infrequent intimate life, and a situation where I had to initiate all affection for it to happen. There are more specifics, but suffice it to say it is very frustrating for both of us. When the intimacy happens, it is great, but that just leads to more frustration when it doesn't. I have tried to tell her that I personally will make it freely available and I have been making this crystal clear in many ways - affirming her, wooing her, taking her on dates, making my intentions unmistakeable. When she throws up the usual roadblocks, I told her I expect her to meet her responsibilities as well, but I am having trouble making this clear in a way that doesn't result in her feeling that she is just being used.
In any case, our discussion confronted this head on, so we will see if the attitude can be changed. I am hopeful, because, like in the other areas, change is now necessary in this for us to move to the next plane in our relationship.
Rocco, so sorry about your nephew. You were there for your family, that's what they needed. I am glad you went on with plans for the kids, they probably needed it. It's okay if the kids saw your grief, I'm sure they are very sad over the loss of their cousin, too. Sometimes a child can teach us so much about life, about what is really important. As time goes on, you will remember less of the final moments and what will remain will be a joyous life to celebrate. I am glad to see your W consoled you; it shows you she does have a heart after all. Maybe she is an overwhelmed person with a lot of care on her shoulders. I'll say a prayer for your family. L
