I loved that advice about writing a letter to God. That one I will do. I wish someone told me that before. I also will write another letter to God down all the things I did wrong to my W. I don't think I should show my wife that letter though, do you?
One of my biggest problems is I am passive/aggressive with low self-esteem and overly sensitive. My mom always told me for years that my over sensitivity will only make trouble for you. Boy was she right. I was told in the hospital that all people who suffer from depression are overly sensitive but I could work on that so I am not.
Again, that comes from how I was raised. My parents do not have high self-esteem either. When I was a boy, I guess I was being fresh (I was always told that) and I can't remember who said other then an adult relative, but I was told I would never amount to anything. And that was told in front of my parents who said nothing so I believed it of course. I grew up feeling that I was never good enough because I heard that crap for so many years. Thankfully, I never abused my kids that way. So you see, I do have a lot of baggage and I need to work on me. Then in dealing with my W and her family, they made me feel the same way and I found myself being the child of these bad memories all over again. Had I had a better opinion of myself, I wouldn't let what my IL say to me even bother me.
I feel compelled to give you some tough love, so please hold on.... Here's the deal.
I'm from Washington DC, and am one of 9 kids born in 12 years, with an immigrant mom who spoke little English. My dad was a very well educated, brilliant, highly functioning raging alcoholic. Dad also had a very public political job, so no matter what happened at home, NOTHING was ever revealed in public or the DISCLOSURE would bring "shame to the family..."
Routine beatings on weekends for my brothers, and I mean bad ones that required hospitalizations, were par for the course. I am one of 4 daughters and I won't get into what I went through being a pretty blonde my father inappropriately worshipped....guess what? I wanted to be happy and deep down I knew God wanted that for me. So I got help. Long ago. Not all of my siblings are equally healed, and we must all watch out for our "buttons" getting pushed....I try to do that by getting rid of the buttons. Who wants them? Who needs them? I don't believe ANY of us actually blame our dad (or mom) for our lives TODAY....how can we?
I'm an adult now and ONLY I am responsible for what happens in MY life- no one else is-- and I am COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS....I am also Not an alcoholic, nor do I have a temper issue, I and ALL of my siblings have put ourselves through college and beyond, without a cent from family or the government. So my friend, the CYCLE WAS BROKEN and there are No more excuses. At some point, forgiveness or not, we can no longer hold our parents or our pasts as excuses/obstacles for not taking charge of our lives today. I heard a client say by age 25 we ought to shut up and do what it takes to move forward, and I tend to agree...
***** Tomorrow is promised to no one. **** How much more of your life do you want to feel like a victim? You are only a victim of YOUR choices today, you are choosing to be M to a woman you often describe in hellish terms....and you have been M to her for 22 years!! I can't tell if you are a negative person who always sees the glass as half empty, and STILL won't see it as half full Ever, and OR who won't ever see any choices anywhere...
And you DO blame her for your suicide attempt....OMG Rocco, that's very unfair, extremely unkind, and totally inaccurate. Even IF it had been true, somehow, then WHY STAY M?? Really, WHAT do you gain by it?
.... Please take charge of your life. THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL...If your life were a novel, who would be writing it? Is the story/novel of Your life going the way you wanted it to? WHO SHOULD BE WRITING THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE????? How about you?
Please stop thinking your past IS your present and dictates tomorrow. Look around the world (if not your own neighborhood). Rwondan women who survived the amputating hackings from the Hutu tribes, but whose families did Not survive, are giving lectures in this country on forgiveness and moving on.... Holocaust survivors from Europe immigrated to new countries, learned new languages, went to college and or started businesses and had families....
As Maryanne Williamson said..... WE'VE ALL BEEN RAPED.....
Meaning, We all have our stories and some are far worse than others. Some are almost ridiculous in hindsight. For instance, at an acting workshop I attended, I heard a 52 y/o man literally scream at his (now dead) father for not co-signing a college loan 30 years earlier (!!) and he blamed his father for him never going to college....Good grief!!!?? Why didn't he just do it himself,when he had over 30 years to get it done? Christ, I did it, and so did each of my brothers and sisters....it IS achievable for God's sake. Guess it's easier for some people to blame others, rather than having to face all the lost time they've wasted blaming someone else for how their life turned out.
Of course I've seen people born with strikes against them from the day they were on earth. And as an attorney, I've seen my share of serious crimes, and the ugliest side of humanity. I did have to switch law practices and careers b/c I no longer wanted to feel sad so often. It was a boundary issue for me that I identified. I knew I deserved to be happier, and I would and will do WHATEVER it takes to be as happy as God intended me to be.
BUT *** I say the days of using past abuse or pain as an exuse for present day bad behavior, are over for criminal defendants, and ought to be over for us as well... what do you think Rocco? Do you want to be in charge of your life, and are you willing to do whatever it takes to be in charge of it? You must decide that before much good can really happen, imho.
Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's my version of Tough Love...hope it helps and if not, then ignore it. At least it was free.
Also, as a final note, my DB sessions have all been great and very helpful. But the focus was EXCLUSIVELY on ME, MY BEHAVIORS and what I can change in MY LIFE..... it has worked a lot for me and since I'm half of my M, it has also worked well there too. Good luck, j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Gosh, you went through hell. No, you were not harsh at all and I needed to hear that. I am a very negative person who does see the glass as half-empty. It is very difficult and I probably should have gotten help long ago too. It will be an on-going battle for me and I MUST STOP taking things so personaly when people push my buttons too.
I am very insecure and my wife is too, but I didn't realize it. She is a strong woman and is very talented with doing things around our home. She can do just about anything to fix up problems in our house and she was brought up that way. I wasn't and really don't have an interest. However, if I learned, I would be able to help more, but my fear of my W if I make a mistake is also an issue for me.
There is no boundries in my current situation between us. I don't think we told each other how much we love each other for years. You are making me think more and more about my bad choices that I have made and done to my W. I need to toughen up and let things slide and not take her yelling at me so personal. Probably, in the beginning, when she would act that way, I believed it was directed at me after I came home from work. I didn't ask, how was you day with the kids, or things like that.
My W told me that she held a lot of things in for my sake as far as our finances, the kids, everything because she felt I was under enough stress at work, especially working appox. 60 hrs a week for an a-hole and putting myself through college. It took me 10 years to graduate and I couldn't have done it without my W.
Well, I have to get ready to talk to my DB coach but I will be back. Please do not stop writing to me and I need to hear what you say no matter how harsh it sounds. Its what I need to grow up.
Well, Unhappy. how goes it with you today? Are you still walking away from your W when she starts in on you? You really seem to me to be making progress, if you are taking more control of your life and M. That's very inspiring to me. I have hope that my H will do that more, and get stronger and begin to feel more loving to me, too. the things you do, I try to get my H to do, too, although indirectly, because I want him to want to take more control. He thinks and said he has always been weak, even as a kid. I never thought of him as weak, I thought he was a kind, responsible, reliable, sweet, hard working, funny, sensitive man. I just neglected to let him know all this over the years. If this is what is called weak, then I'll take him weak, but it's not. I know he likes me telling him these things now, but he said this morning that I was being sappy. Oh, well, maybe he needs me to be a little sappy now to make up for the years I wasn't sappy. Unhappy, you really have helped me to see inside a man who has been controlled by his W, and it has helped me to see what things to give up, and let him take over. And because you are so open with your situation, it has helped me to see somewhat the feelings my H must have been feeling. Thank you, I appreciate it. L
mlc, I agree with you that we all have to take responsibility for our own lives and actions. I, too grew up in a large family, I am one of seven, my father was an alcoholic, my parents divorced when I was little and my mother married a man who adopted us, and then abused us in that way and physically, and emotionally, too. I remember going to school with huge belt imprints on my legs and butt. We never told anyone, because nothing would be done anyway. I was put in a children's home while my parents fought a two year custody battle, then I was sent away for good at fourteen, and became a part of the system. I consider myself fairly healed and I take full responsibility for all my actions, even though these childhood things shaped who I am. I forgave my stepfather for what he did, and my mother for allowing it. Not all my siblings have. I am a very optimistic person, ans always like to see the bright side of anything, although I do feel alot of despair over my situation with my M. I feel alot of the time that our M is going to be saved, but other times I have to fight the hopeless feelings, and the crying jags, and the utter sadness that makes me have to go sleep for some relief. I, also didn't turn out to be an alcoholic, even though it runs in the family, I didn't turn out to hurt my child, and most people think I am fairly nice. So, I hope my natural optimism will help me here. I think it will. L
Rocco, listen to mlc. You can't blame your W for your suicide attempt. That is a cruel thing to put on her. I realize your feelings about her and all the problems you have are a part of it, but don't blame her for that. When my sisters H killed himself, his parents blamed his eleven year old D, because she didn't try to stop him. He pushed her out the door and locked her out, but still they blamed her. It's not fair to blame someone else for that. It also sounds to me like she has been overwhelmed for years and probably burned out from having to run things for so long. You yourself said that you had no interest in helping around the house, so she did it all, and did it her way for a long time, so it may be natural for her to have been a little resentful of you coming along to take over again. This sometimes happens whe men come back from years in Iraq, they want to jump back in and do things their way as soon as they get back home, and their W's have been doing things themselves for all that time. I am sorry you are so afraid of your W, but you have to get over it, will she kill you? No,I don't think so. Ask her how she wants things done, if you don't know how to do them.. Don't tell her directions, if you don't know them either, if she doesn't have a sense of humor when you get lost. You really have to put this stuff behind you, and move forward. All these things you repeat about what your W has done are like weights around your neck, and who can move with all that hanging around their neck? I could tell you are passive aggressive, you punish her in subtle ways that make you feel that There I got her! But it hurts you, too when you do that. I will be waiting to see what your DB coach has for you to do. I hop you will follow the advice you get. L
Hey I took a nice 45 minute unplanned walk last night,when the communication got bad. Afterwards we had a nice time together for a while - it was a step, but I still am struggling for that real breakthrough. My wife sees what I am trying as selfish - getting my own way, etc, though I am really trying to show her her that she needs to first accept me as a seperate person, then trust me to do what is right and be a servant to the family. Her mode is to try to force me to be all that, and in the process run roughshod and treat me like a non-person. Boy its a long road. I really wish we could break through to annther plane of relationship and communication. We seemtogo in circles, but I refuse to act angry or be hurt anymore. Thanks for your help - I wish my wife was as dedicated as you were to improving things. It doesn't seem sappy to my for you to say that stuff. Affirmationis great - it is one of the things that my friend really did that opened my eyes to what I had been missing.
