Married to a controlling wife

[25yearsmlc]

Okay Rocco,

I feel compelled to give you some tough love, so please hold on....
Here's the deal.

I'm from Washington DC, and am one of 9 kids born in 12 years, with an immigrant mom who spoke little English. My dad was a very well educated, brilliant, highly functioning raging alcoholic. Dad also had a very public political job, so no matter what happened at home, NOTHING was ever revealed in public or the DISCLOSURE would bring "shame to the family..."

Routine beatings on weekends for my brothers, and I mean bad ones that required hospitalizations, were par for the course. I am one of 4 daughters and I won't get into what I went through being a pretty blonde my father inappropriately worshipped....guess what? I wanted to be happy and deep down I knew God wanted that for me. So I got help. Long ago. Not all of my siblings are equally healed, and we must all watch out for our "buttons" getting pushed....I try to do that by getting rid of the buttons. Who wants them? Who needs them? I don't believe ANY of us actually blame our dad (or mom) for our lives TODAY....how can we?

I'm an adult now and ONLY I am responsible for what happens in MY life- no one else is-- and I am COMPLETELY RESPONSIBLE FOR MY ACTIONS....I am also Not an alcoholic, nor do I have a temper issue, I and ALL of my siblings have put ourselves through college and beyond, without a cent from family or the government. So my friend, the CYCLE WAS BROKEN and there are No more excuses. At some point, forgiveness or not, we can no longer hold our parents or our pasts as excuses/obstacles for not taking charge of our lives today. I heard a client say by age 25 we ought to shut up and do what it takes to move forward, and I tend to agree...

***** Tomorrow is promised to no one. **** How much more of your life do you want to feel like a victim? You are only a victim of YOUR choices today, you are choosing to be M to a woman you often describe in hellish terms....and you have been M to her for 22 years!! I can't tell if you are a negative person who always sees the glass as half empty, and STILL won't see it as half full Ever, and OR who won't ever see any choices anywhere...

And you DO blame her for your suicide attempt....OMG Rocco, that's very unfair, extremely unkind, and totally inaccurate. Even IF it had been true, somehow, then WHY STAY M?? Really, WHAT do you gain by it?

.... Please take charge of your life. THIS IS NOT A DRESS REHEARSAL...If your life were a novel, who would be writing it? Is the story/novel of Your life going the way you wanted it to? WHO SHOULD BE WRITING THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE????? How about you?

Please stop thinking your past IS your present and dictates tomorrow. Look around the world (if not your own neighborhood). Rwondan women who survived the amputating hackings from the Hutu tribes, but whose families did Not survive, are giving lectures in this country on forgiveness and moving on.... Holocaust survivors from Europe immigrated to new countries, learned new languages, went to college and or started businesses and had families....

As Maryanne Williamson said..... WE'VE ALL BEEN RAPED.....

Meaning, We all have our stories and some are far worse than others. Some are almost ridiculous in hindsight. For instance, at an acting workshop I attended, I heard a 52 y/o man literally scream at his (now dead) father for not co-signing a college loan 30 years earlier (!!) and he blamed his father for him never going to college....Good grief!!!??
Why didn't he just do it himself,when he had over 30 years to get it done? Christ, I did it, and so did each of my brothers and sisters....it IS achievable for God's sake. Guess it's easier for some people to blame others, rather than having to face all the lost time they've wasted blaming someone else for how their life turned out.

Of course I've seen people born with strikes against them from the day they were on earth. And as an attorney, I've seen my share of serious crimes, and the ugliest side of humanity. I did have to switch law practices and careers b/c I no longer wanted to feel sad so often. It was a boundary issue for me that I identified. I knew I deserved to be happier, and I would and will do WHATEVER it takes to be as happy as God intended me to be.

BUT *** I say the days of using past abuse or pain as an exuse for present day bad behavior, are over for criminal defendants, and ought to be over for us as well... what do you think Rocco? Do you want to be in charge of your life, and are you willing to do whatever it takes to be in charge of it? You must decide that before much good can really happen, imho.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's my version of Tough Love...hope it helps and if not, then ignore it. At least it was free.

Also, as a final note, my DB sessions have all been great and very helpful. But the focus was EXCLUSIVELY on ME, MY BEHAVIORS and what I can change in MY LIFE..... it has worked a lot for me and since I'm half of my M, it has also worked well there too. Good luck,
j-