Sorry, I was really busy at work and we finally got our kids to bed. You're right, I did hold my w responsible for my suicide attempt and having to be admitted to the Psy. Hospital for 5 days. In fact I told her and blamed her when she called me at the hospital. I was very angry and hurt but it took a big step for me to get there. Now that I think about it, I haven't apolgized to her about that. I think I should and its something I will ask my DB coach tomorrow. What do you think?
And yes, I do have a lot of baggage since I was abused by my paternal grandmother since as long as I can remember until she died in 1991. I was beaten by her and so was my mom who tried to defend me and even at the age of 7, I felt responsible for my mom getting hit. However, I was able to forgive her about 10 years after she was dead back in the year 2000 when I was told by a woman named Mary at our church to start saying the rosary. A week later, I had a dream and I was with my grandmother and my mom and my belly was revealed from all the surgeries I have had to go through and to make a long story short, I told my grandma that child abuse caused it. She started to sob uncontrolably and then I woke up. I thought about it a minute or two and then I no longer hated her because I knew she was sorry. And I hated my grandmother for at least 38 years up to that point.
My wife accused me of punishing her for what she did and that is true because all I wanted from her was an apology which she will not do, therefore, I didn't believe she was sorry. I would be mean, short, withhold sex, etc. So yes, I know I am responsible for my current situaton. My W and her family feel I am 100% responsible which I don't agree with but I can't change that opinion.
My wife has always preached and lectured me many times on how she feels I take for granted for all that she does, under-appreciated, un-loved, no support, etc. She does more then any mother I know, especially with all the issues my son has with ADHD and his other Autistic like characteristics, bringing him to doctors, etc. She pays all the bills, and right now the money is tight, does most of the work aroud the house, the list goes on and on. She has lectured me on how she stood by me when I had numerous surgeries, a rotten boss I had at my previous employment from 2001-2004, helping me through college with editing all my papers, etc. That part is all true.
But who likes to be lectured, she criticize me on any thing I do (see previous post about my Valenties Day gift to her). Heck, she even told me I don't cut the grass the way she does because I take longer then she does. So consequently, the more she put down my efforts, the less I did. And it was a vicious cycle. If I make a mistake, like telling her to take an exit on the highway (she was driving and we were going to the shore) which ended being the wrong exit, she yells, curses and hits me in front of the kids (ages 8 and 6 at the time). The kids then start to hit me from the back seat and I told them they should not do that because I am their father. W responds with, "that's right, only mommys can do that." In that episode, she then tells me I didn't even apologize for what I did. So I turned to my kids and said sorry I got us behind schedule and told my W to go F herself. Did she ever apologize for that? NO! When we got home, I told her "what the hell is your problem? We got to the shore about 30 minutes later and you know what I found out? The Atlanitc Ocean was still there. She says nothing. And that is not the first time either. It happened again the following summer when we were on vacation and were going to vist Mount Vernon and I told her in about 20 minutes, you will come to a bridge, and when you do, be sure you are in the right line. As we are approaching the bridge, she can't get into the right line due to traffic (she was in the far left lane), we missed the exit, and she repeats the same behavior. A couple of days later, I firmly (not yelling) told her to never, ever touch me again in anger, its sets a poor example on the kids, and its strips me of being a man. She just looked at me and said nothing. I would have expected an apology, but no. So I punish her in the ways I have explained. She did tell me later in the evening that she told the kids that she should not have hit me though. That is the last time she hit me. I know she is under a lot of stress, but that doesn't excuse her behavior. When she called me in the hospital after my suicide attempt, and I once again brought that hitting episode up, she tells me its my fault because I stress her out. Therefore, I am not only responsible for my behavior, but hers too? That's not OK with me.
I did tell her in the past that her temper scares me and that I am afraid of her, and if it scares me, especially with my history from my grandmother, its got to scare the children even more. The first time she hit me is when my son was about a year old and she was trying to feed him juice from a sips cup. He was crying, she was crying, I came up stairs (we have a center hall colonial), I don't remember what I said, but I should have said, do you want me to take over? I probably said, and I don't remember, what's wrong? She got so angry about the situation, that she through the sips cup (I don't believe it was intentional) and hit me square in the face. Its a good thing it didn't knock me down the stairs. Again, no apology.
