Hi verycrazy. As I said I have turned things around somewhat withj the money. She does not question where I spend it, but she does tend to be very insecure about the subject in general, which tends to color the way she deals with other issues. For instance, her campaign of opposition to my switch in employers was rooted in insecurity about money. Also, she fears that our sons will grow up to be deadbeats and sponge off mom and dad. I really don't know where that insecurity comes from - it is not from any spending habits on my part or history of wasting money. We are debt free except a $20,000 mortgage on a $275,000 house and I make $125,000 a year - its not like we are hurting.
My friend and I do not engage in romantic things like exchanging flowers - it is strictly off limits. I let my wife know we are friends, and is has not been a big issue. My wife does know what I am doing in terms of seeking change in the marriage, but she dismisses it. She said it is a bunch of nonsense, don't spout that crap, etc. Basic invalidation of my right to think what I think, take any input I want to take, etc. It doesn't hurt me anymore when she talks like that. I plug on, and try to do what is loving and take positive steps, like employing constructive communication techniques, saying 'thanks for giving your opinion", switching to more positive subjects, etc. I have to control the tone to prevent it from going downhill. It takes two to tango and I won't, not anymore. In this I have learned a lot, from places like this, from my pastor, from books, from friends.
My wife's reactions are actually somewhat positive, on balance. It seems I always have to listen to some verbal assaults, but we have been able to move beyond that in some ways. There has still been no real turnaround in her pride or her willingness to work together or admit fault, so we still have far to go. But, for my part, I am no longer riding a rollercoaster of emotions all the time, and it feels so much better. I can work logically and dispassionately toward solutions. I still don't think my wife has realized the magnitude of the change that is underway, and it is still to be determined whether the relationship will be what she wants when it is on a more healthy footing. Many tell me 'controllers never change', but I am optomistic in what I am doing. Either way, I will have done everything I can do, whether the marriage survives or not. My sons are noticing the differences, which is good.
