My wife does not want to be subservient to me. As my therapist has told me and has seen my wife in the past, she wants to be the boss and control me and be in charge of every situation.
I do agree that when she attackes me verbally, I need to walk away from her. If I were to tell her "Whey your ready to discuss this like adults I'm ready to talk until then, I'm not talking about this to you" That would set her off because she sees nothing wrong in her behavior.
I also agree that I am setting a poor example of how a man should be in front of my children.
DYFS saw my wife yesterday and told her its an open and shut case and not to worry about it so that was good news. I don't think things through enough but react like an a-hole. I should have never gone to the police.
It is a stressful environment I live in. My wife is a good mother and does so much work with my kids with all the issues they have, I wonder how she does it. My son has ADHD so its very difficult but she takes him to the doctors and supports them in their studies. If I attempt to help my son with school, she angerly responds with, "I know what you are trying to do and I don't need your help." Yet she will also complain that she does everything around the house because she gets no support and If I try to help, I don't do it correctly, or the way she thinks I should do it.
We talked to my son first about what happened when DYFS visited at school. She asked my Son, do we beat you? And he responded with Dad threaten me to hit me with a strap (that was true, but I told him back in July, I never intended to use it, I will never threaten him like that again and I am sorry). He also added, in talking to my W, you slapped me in the face. My wife said, No I don't. My son said yes you do and I added, I saw you slap him in the face. She said, that is because he slapped me first. I said, no, Nick did not slap you at all. She then apologized to Nick.
I am taking the kids on a Halloween train ride this Sunday in town and and its just me an the kids.
I told her I have my 1st phone consultation with Divorce Busting tomorrow. I said they believe all marriages are salvagable, unless of course there is abuse or drugs involved and things like that. I added that from what I read, most troubled couples continue to do things that don't work. Traditional therapist treat the problem but don't address the solutions. Couples play the blame game, he blames her, she blames him. She responded, I don't blame anybody. I did not answer but that was not a true statement.
I said I believe that our marriage can be saved and my goal is to work on saving our marriage. She said she hadn't decided what to do. She said you really hurt me in June, and that was the 3rd time. I didn't answer her because I already apologized for that.
I asked her if she had talked to a therapist. Her sister, who is a social worker recommended 2, but one was not in our plan, and one moved away. I told her there are plenty in Flemington. I asked her if she read the Divorce Busting books, but she said, I don't have any time. I asked her if she would be interested in talking to a Divorce Busting coach and she said No.
What frustrates me is she has never apologized to me for her behavior. If you read my previous posts, my IL's can treat me however they like. True, I should have ignored them, and I did tell my wife that they are upsetting me, but she sees nothing wrong with what they do to me.
Later, we talked to our daughter about our relationship and what her feelings are. She said it upsets her and she wants the family to stay together. My W asked her if she would be OK if Mom and Dad lived in different homes but Dad would live close by. My D said No because it would make her sad. My D doesn't want us to Divorce. I told my D that I didn't want that either and I was working very hard to save our marriage. My W made no response to that and my D just nodded.
I hope I did the right thing with my discussions with my kids last night. Please comment!
Yes I read all the posts and I don't find them a waste at all. I find them helpful. I probably should have run my venting the other day and asked your opinions about reporting it to the police. I'm sure you would have advised me not to.
When my W slapped my son, it was once in the face, not continous. It was wrong, it happened, but I don't think she will do that again. I get cussed at and yelled at but for whatever reason, she sees nothing wrong with that. Maybe she does it because she is worn out, exhausted, worried or a host of other reasons, but by treating me that way, how does that help the situation.
Hey Rocco, it sounds like things went pretty well considering. You got the opportunity to point out to your wife that you are serious about changes, which is a good thing.
You said she never apoligizes for the behavior. That is a typical reaction for a controlling person. Remember, its very hard for her to admit fault. This is not excusing it, its just they way it is. Its part of the process you and her need to go through. But just because she doesn't apologize it doesn't mean she hasn't done anything wrong. And just because she blames you does not mean it is your fault.
Your wife is thinking about divorce, obviously, but what is not clear is how seriously. You did right in telling your daughter that you are working on saving it - they need to see that working happening for their sake. Whether it ends or not they will have seen you step up. You also stepped up in saying to your wife, in front of your son, that yes, she had slapped him. The two of you, together, put her in a corner where she had to admit what she had done. She will think twice next time. Sometimes, I have found, it takes more than one person to shine some light through a situation. Let me give you an example - up until about 5 months ago, before I got wise and started standing up for myself, my wife never let me carry any money. If I wanted to go out for lunch, for instance, I had to ask her for cash, and she would respond with a lecture and sometimes refuse to give it to me. I know it was backward, but that was where I was. Anyway, my 18 year old son finally asked me about why our relationship seemed so poor, and I discussed this and other things with him, just to let him know that things were not all my fault as my wife painted them. Anyway, he went and told my wife that he thought that she better make some steps about this issue, and she started to act differently about it. It took two of us, in love, to make her see that the way she was acting was not all right. I am not saying enlist your kids against your wife, but sometimes the opportunity for multiple members of the family to lovingly confront just comes up, so don't shy away when it does.
If your wife mentions she doesn't have time to work on the marriage, have you tried suggesting solutions, like saying "Is there something I can do to save you some time?" This may lead to more criticism, but at least it is a constructive suggestion. And you can try to 'teach' what you are learning in your conversations with her.
Like I said, work on saving your marriage by standing up first for yourself as a person. You will not save it by trying endlessly to please someone who wants all the control. Take each positive step and build on that.
I didn't realize that controlling people will not admit their guilt. When I was hospitalized for suicide, when she called me and told me on the phone in July that she loved me, I was very angry at the time and told her "Yeah right, what you love is to control me and if you control me, I'm outta here." There are a lot of other things that happened that I blew my stack, but again, I already apologized for it.
We both bring up the past which is not good. I'm just as guilty as she is. Right now, I am physically and mentally suffering. I may have another bowel obstruction, (the 1st one almost killed me in 1999 as 32 inches of small bowel was gangrene. The 2nd one happened this past June so I was back in the hospital but didn't require surgery, just didn't eat for 4 days other then fluid. Now I am beginning to experience the same thing. Also have trouble sleeping and am just drinking water since Wed afternoon. I tried to eat, but it almost made me vomit. Consequently, I have not had much sleep either and I am on anti-depressent meds and sleeping pills and stil have trouble sleeping. I believe most of that is due to my stupid decision on telling the police. I am consumed with guilt and grief about that but have said nothing to her.
Beats the hell out of my why she makes me dinner though. I will try and suggest if I can save her sometime but she will say No. I don't know why she just doesn't file and get it over with? I sometimes wonder if it would be better if we just separate and I move back with my parents for awhile to see if that helps the situation. I just don't know what else to do. I can't wait to talk to my DB coach tomorrow.
Hey Rocco. Don't be consumed with guilt. By your own admission you acted in accordance with many people's advice in contacting the police (lawyer, priests, therapists). And the situation is working itself out. Look, your wife is aware or she is becoming aware that its showtime in your marriage - time for change or time for moving on. Your actions are a part of the process you both are going through. You did not betray her, you are acting in the best interests of everyone. Believe in your course and stick to it, don't second guess it by feeling guilty.
Rocco, you are saying that you don't know why she doesn't file. Is the destiny of your marriage her decision? Do you want her to be in control until the end, whenever that is? Ask yourself - do you want to ride along and wait for her to do what she is going to do, or do you want to take the helm for your own life? You are wondering about separation - make a list of pros and cons, talk it over with the DB coach and your therapists. Make a list of goals and an action plan and act on your plan. Don't just wonder and wait for someone else's decision, follow a process to make your own decision. You are here, speaking out, and starting the process. You know it needs to change, and that the past will not get it anymore. Plan the future, establish some dreams and pursue them. This will pass.
Unhappy, my H always gives me his paycheck and then asks me to hold out some money for him, when I go to the bank. I do this with no questions asked, even though he does talk about me controlling the money. But that's because I pay all the bills and keep up with the finances. He works extra jobs sometimes and keeps all that money without having to tell me where he spends it. Although I found out he sent ow flowers on her birthday, and bought her flowers and gifts on Valentine's Day. He knows I know and I told him that I had been using the florist that he used to send ow flowers, for more than twenty years, and it is embarassing that we are in their computer with us sending flowers and fruit to family and friends, and him in the computer as my H sending another w flowers. Maybe your W is afraid if she loosens the purse strings, you will do stuff like that, too. maybe not, but be sure to always be honest with her about everything you are doing and never be evasive. Thanks for saying it looks like I am turning things around, I need encouragement. I had my first C session today. I really like the counselor, and think he can help me. Sometimes I realize that God has His hand in our lives whether we know it or not. More than twenty years ago, I looked in the yellow pages for a preacher to talk to, because I was spiritually confused. I picked out one church and called the preacher. We talked for a long time and then set up Bible study, After a few months, he introduced us to a preacher whose church was much closer to us, and we started Bible study with him. After about six months or so, he one night asked me what was stopping me from being baptized. I said nothing and off we all went to the church. I have never regretted the decision. Now here I am just a week and a half ago, looking through the yellow pages for a MC. I looked at one name only and called it and talked to the C. Well, today I found out he is a member of the same church, only in a different city, and guest lectures at churches, but had never lectured at our church. I really believe God led me to him, why else would the only name I looked at in all the phone book turn out to be of the same spiritual mind as me? So, anyway God works in mysterious ways. Our preacher who has since moved to another church, and his W love the story of how I came to be saved through the yellow pages. Just a small story for yall to see the power of God in our lives. Unhappy, I want to know how your w is reacting to the new things you are doing. I bet she is sitting up and taking notice. I agree with the advice you gave Rocco, about enlisting the aid of the children to help, I have done that with our S to try to pull H back into the family, and make him not feel alienated from us, such as getting his opinion on stuff and getting him interested in things S is interested in. Hey, what ever helps. L
Well, I guess it is her decision since I am the one trying to Save the Marriage. Of course I don't want the marriage to be as it was before because that won't work for either one of us.
It is sad, especially for my children but I am glad that I got to tell them that Daddy is working very hard to save the marriage. My son didn't really say much because he doesn't want to talk about it. But my D now knows that I am working hard, and if we do split, she is going to wonder why her Mom didn't? Of course I suspect my W to lie and also same some true things about my behavior but will never admit her own behavior. I certainly don't want my children to blame just me and maybe not want to see me anymore. That would really destroy my well being.
I will take your advice and right things down of what questions to as the DB Coach. I will probably start the discussion by bitching a bit and how it got to this point but I better make it short, not as long as I have been posting on the site.
Right now, I am just so very tired, mentally, physically and emotionally. Thanks for your help. I really do appreciate it.
mlc- I was serious wondering if Rocco was reading our posts, too, but he says he is. I just think he has such an overwhelming sense of guilt built into him, that he feels guilty for stuff he should feel good about. He can't seem to get beyond that or his anger at his W. It's understandable, but the anger has to be put aside for now if he is going to make any progress. My H and I are talking to each other more now about things that concern him, so I hope his anger at me is subsiding somewhat. I forgave him right away for his EA, so my anger is not as great as it was at first. I am working on it. I feel that the way I treated him over the years gives him reason to be angry with me. L
Rocco, just please do what the DB coach says to do, okay. Like the advice you were given write down a list of questions and maybe some goals for yourself. My S13 doesn't want to talk about this stuff either, so I try to wait till he says something, or asks me a question, because I don't want him stressed out. Sometimes he sees how sad I am, and I just tell him I am feeling sad, but I'm okay. So, maybe just wait till they want to ask you questions about it. Do you do stuff with them. I saw you had something planned with them this weekend, that's great. Show them how much fun Daddy can be and don't show any sad faces. This will help them feel more secure. Maybe do some stuff with your S, becaus I have found that boys have such a righteous sense of right and wrong that they seem to need extra attention, and at age 11, he may not understand all, but he probably sees more than you think. Find a project to do with him, if you can, that will put the two of you together. Just tell your W that you two have something planned and go to Home Depot or somewhere and find something you two can work on together. Then do something with your D, too, just the two of you, like take her to get her nails done. You might be surprised how getting outside your own problems and being with them may give you a more positive mental attitude. Good Luck, and let us know how the C session goes. L
That is great new that your H is talking to you and making progress. You are right that the anger has to be put aside. I don't show it at home but I have bottled it up inside. She still yells at me or when she is upset, the foul language starts.
When I put my son on the bus this morning my neighbor was there to put her daughter on the bus and I brought up the topic and of course I didn't say who reported my family to the authorties. But she knows we are having marital problems big time because her and my W talk. I told her I forgave karin's family and have apologized to karin but it does take 2 to make a marriage work and 2 to make it fail. I said I had to forgive, otherwise you remain stuck and get move ahead. I need to forgive more so its truly out of my system. Its hard when you are still be verbally attacked though because she is so angry and told me last night this was the 3rd time. If it was the first time, I would be able to let that slide. I said nothing and I didn't lecture her that if you don't forgive, nor will God forgive you. The bible says something along the lines that you need to do this 7 * 70. I forget the actual quote.
