I didn't realize that controlling people will not admit their guilt. When I was hospitalized for suicide, when she called me and told me on the phone in July that she loved me, I was very angry at the time and told her "Yeah right, what you love is to control me and if you control me, I'm outta here." There are a lot of other things that happened that I blew my stack, but again, I already apologized for it.
We both bring up the past which is not good. I'm just as guilty as she is. Right now, I am physically and mentally suffering. I may have another bowel obstruction, (the 1st one almost killed me in 1999 as 32 inches of small bowel was gangrene. The 2nd one happened this past June so I was back in the hospital but didn't require surgery, just didn't eat for 4 days other then fluid. Now I am beginning to experience the same thing. Also have trouble sleeping and am just drinking water since Wed afternoon. I tried to eat, but it almost made me vomit. Consequently, I have not had much sleep either and I am on anti-depressent meds and sleeping pills and stil have trouble sleeping. I believe most of that is due to my stupid decision on telling the police. I am consumed with guilt and grief about that but have said nothing to her.
Beats the hell out of my why she makes me dinner though. I will try and suggest if I can save her sometime but she will say No. I don't know why she just doesn't file and get it over with? I sometimes wonder if it would be better if we just separate and I move back with my parents for awhile to see if that helps the situation. I just don't know what else to do. I can't wait to talk to my DB coach tomorrow.
