Hey Rocco, it sounds like things went pretty well considering. You got the opportunity to point out to your wife that you are serious about changes, which is a good thing.
You said she never apoligizes for the behavior. That is a typical reaction for a controlling person. Remember, its very hard for her to admit fault. This is not excusing it, its just they way it is. Its part of the process you and her need to go through. But just because she doesn't apologize it doesn't mean she hasn't done anything wrong. And just because she blames you does not mean it is your fault.
Your wife is thinking about divorce, obviously, but what is not clear is how seriously. You did right in telling your daughter that you are working on saving it - they need to see that working happening for their sake. Whether it ends or not they will have seen you step up. You also stepped up in saying to your wife, in front of your son, that yes, she had slapped him. The two of you, together, put her in a corner where she had to admit what she had done. She will think twice next time. Sometimes, I have found, it takes more than one person to shine some light through a situation. Let me give you an example - up until about 5 months ago, before I got wise and started standing up for myself, my wife never let me carry any money. If I wanted to go out for lunch, for instance, I had to ask her for cash, and she would respond with a lecture and sometimes refuse to give it to me. I know it was backward, but that was where I was. Anyway, my 18 year old son finally asked me about why our relationship seemed so poor, and I discussed this and other things with him, just to let him know that things were not all my fault as my wife painted them. Anyway, he went and told my wife that he thought that she better make some steps about this issue, and she started to act differently about it. It took two of us, in love, to make her see that the way she was acting was not all right. I am not saying enlist your kids against your wife, but sometimes the opportunity for multiple members of the family to lovingly confront just comes up, so don't shy away when it does.
If your wife mentions she doesn't have time to work on the marriage, have you tried suggesting solutions, like saying "Is there something I can do to save you some time?" This may lead to more criticism, but at least it is a constructive suggestion. And you can try to 'teach' what you are learning in your conversations with her.
Like I said, work on saving your marriage by standing up first for yourself as a person. You will not save it by trying endlessly to please someone who wants all the control. Take each positive step and build on that.
