25yearsmlc, you are right, we do that about the other guy having bad intentions, and we have good intentions. My H has interpreted all the incidents over the years to my bad intentions, and his to good intentions, and when I try to explain my side, he says I am making excuses for bad behavior that I did on purpose. I try to say to him I was wrong for the things I have done, but that mostly what I did was get into some bad habits and neglected him and our M. I tell him I was not mean to him on purpose, but I now see that I was very mean. He says that if I say I know I was mean, then I did it on purpose. There were many times I apologized to him when I felt I was being unfair or mean, and we would go on. But he held in all those incidents and they have started coming back to him, and it shows he really holds a grudge. He was also mean to me alot, by acting as if what I had to say was unimportant, he would stand in the doorway, and look at his watch when I was telling him something. We agreed I would be a stay at home mother, but then every now and then over the years, he would say I was sponging off him, that he carried us all alone. We then agreed I would go back to work when our S was in middle school. I was planning on being a substitute teacher this year, because he is in eighth grade now, but I found all this out in July, and have been in my own hell for three months, unable to go forward with those plans right now. I will eventually, but it is hard just to concentrate in doing the things I am doing to show H I am changing my other behaviors, like keeping the house cleaner. So, it shows that even though we both have had some bad behaviors, I am taking the major responsibility for them, and because he was the one planning to leave, I am trying to hold us together, and praying that the ow is out of the picture or on the way out soon. You are also right that women would be advised to suck it up and deal with it, and stop blaming their H's. Cause I tell you when my H started blaming me for every single thing that he felt was wrong in our marriage, I was so hurt and still am, because he refuses to take any responsibility at all for his part in it. We have a marriage that can be saved it is just up to him whether he really wants to save it. He keeps saying he doesn't "feel it", yet, and wants to know how long it will take. I think with ow in the wings, he isn't wanting to feel it yet, but if I can overcome his resistance, and help him get over the resentment and enger and show him the bad me is gone, then if he really wants to be with me he will be. The ball is in his court. I will stand for my M at all costs. That is why I have told no one about it because I don't want my family or his tugging us this way and that. I just hope he realizes how his decision will affect not only he and I, but our S and our extended families. I agree about the splinter and the plank, and believe me it has been said more than once in our church lately. Even though he says I was so much worse than him, I accept it, because he isn't ready to see the plank in his eye. I have a rather large one in mine, though. mlc, I have read many of you posts and I am coming over today to get caught up on your sitch. L
