Steven Covey quoted someone else with the following: DON'T ASSUME YOUR OPPONENT'S MOTIVES ARE MEANER THAN YOUR OWN. WE ATTRIBUTE BAD BEHAVIOR IN OTHERS TO BAD INTENTIONS, WHILE JUSTIFYING OUR OWN BAD BEHAVIORS WITH OUR GOOD INTENTIONS. TRY ASSUMING THE GOOD...
an interesting quote. j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I have begun to do some of the things you suggest, verycrazy. A lot I learned from the 'Nasty People' book. For instance, I will leave a conversation when the emotional abuse begins. I just say "we can talk again when we can talk as two loving adults". Then I leave the conversation. This takes you away from the situation so you will not hear hurtful things (or say them). It puts you in control. In doing this, I have seen mixed results, but it has provoked change. Do not argue or mix it up when you hear things that challenge your boundaries as a person. Just go on with what you were saying or doing. You can say 'thank you for sharing that' or somesuch, and just keep going on with what you know is right. The controlling behavior will not work, and something else, anything else, will happen. So she gets resentful of you - she will get over it or she won't - its not your problem, it is hers. Do not put up with any physical abuse - excuse yourself or your kids from the situation. Take a walk, anything. Rob her of her ability to invalidate, strike fear, or control the situation.
You did the gutsy thing and,in my opinion, the right thing. You are taking a step that will provoke a crisis in your marriage. You didn't sign a death warrant on your marriage, it was dead anyway. It may be that a miracle occurs, and it is resurrected, but you took action - justified action - and that will stop the downward spiral one way or another. You need to take some control, in your case this is what seemed to be called for. Now start by protecting yourself - you may need to get away as verycrazy says. More pain is in store, but beyond that lies peace and forgiveness for you. I hope beyond it lies healing for your wife and children, too. Right now, your children need for you to be strong and whole. It is about you first, them second, and your wife third, I am afraid, because without you they have nothing. So be strong and take care. It will work out.
Hi. This is not about blame, its about change. And, yes, it is about 'getting a life', because you can get into the situation where your 'life' is taken from you if you allow it.
But I don't think the situation boils down to stay for the kids or leave. I submit Rocco should not 'stay for his kids' - his kids are growing up in an abusive atmosphere that needs to change for them, one way or the other.
Do I want a place to justify my desire to leave my marriage? No, because, first, I need to understand what I want and who I am as a person before knowing that that is the right outcome. As I have said, I will not leave my marriage, if that is the outcome, from a position of weakness, but from one of strength. I will first work on seeing myself as a whole person not as one who has allowed himself to be beaten down into something less.
Should we look in the mirror - of course. Are we perfect - of course not. But, is our behavior clearly abusive? No, I would say that there do exist lines which should not be crossed, that when they are abuse has occured. These are fairly consistent between sources - look them up. In the case of Rocco and myself here, I would submit there are clear cases of abusive relationships. And there is no evidence I see in either myself or Rocco's case that we ourselves have done abuse - I know I have not.
So, yes we should apply introspection but no, I don't see this as misunderstanding of intentions. I don't know my wifes intentions, I do know her hurtful behavior.
Thanks for sharing and helping me as best you can. I don't know my wifes intentions either and like you, I only know how hurtful she has been to me throughout the years.
I spoke to the police officer this morning and told him I stretched the truth regarding my wife's abuse to my son. I told him my children love their mother very much and she loves them too.
I told the officer DYFS does not need to be involved because my W hit my Son one time in the face (actually, its about 3 or 4 times) and I over-reacted my own hurtful feeling to punish my wife. I am trying to save my marriage and have my first session this Saturday to try and save it (if it can be saved). By reporting this to DYFS, it just sabotaged my intentions to save it. Unfortunatly he had to report it. I just hope DYFS calls my cell phone and not my home phone.
I told him because of what happened last night with my discussion with him, I could not get to sleep at all, and I doubled my meds last night and took 2 pills of Ambien (a sleeping pill, 20mg) to go to sleep and 2 pills of my anti-depressent ( which is supposed to relax me and still had trouble getting to sleep.
I am starting to feel the pressure in my mind and in my body that I felt when I attempted suicide this past June. I have no appetite and have lost about 12 pounds in the past 2 weeks. I'm 5'9" tall and weigh 155 lbs so its not that I need to loose the weight.
My wife is not abusive to the kids, only to me. But she feels justified in her words because I make her do it by stressing her out.
If I had the same behavior as my wife and treat her like she has treated me over the years, I would hope I would get arrested. All she does is correct me for everything I do that I know I can't make her happy. The divorce busting book says the 1st person to make you happy is you.
There is a big differnce between my wife and I. When I came home from the hospital from a suicide attempt this past June, she wanted to have a conversation about our relationship that Friday night. From her end, she tells me that nothing she does makes me happy and we should file for divorce. At that time, I told her you're probably right. I could tell she was holding back tears. Well we talked for about 20 minutes or so, and I did a lot of the talking which is unusual. I told her I don't like being around her family because they make me sad and feel bad about myself when I am in their company. Worse, it turns me into a person I don't want to be. Some members of your family are just too toxic for me to be around.
Secondly, I said to her we can't even have a discussion about anything if there is a difference of opinion. I said, you brought up a discussion about a book I read (she did not read it) written by Kevin Tradeau (spelling incorrect) about pharmaceutical companies and how its all about the money and they don't care if the patient lives or dies. W told my he has been sued by these companies, yada yada yada. I told her because I didn't agree with you and I didn't agree with everything in the book, you felt it your right to call me "F%%%in Stupid." I don't do that to you. She defends herself saying that I was trying to change her opinion. I said that was not true and if it was, I still didn't cuss you out.
I ended the conversation by telling her that I hated her for putting me through so much torture that I had to be hospitalize.
That night (of course we are sleeping separately) I couldn't get to sleep. By the next morning in reliving our conversation, I realzie that telling her I hated her for what she did to me was very wrong.
That Sunday, I wanted to talk to her after we put our children to bed and I told her that I was very sorry for telling her I hated her. I told her I went to confession the day before and told the priest the same thing. I was upset and angry at her at the time.
She told me that I really did hurt her by that remark. I said I know and I am truly sorry about that. I then added, that throughout the years of our marriage, you have told me, several times "I really Hate you right now." I said the 1st time she said that was in about the 3rd year of our marriage (no kids, no house at the time, living in a condo) and I remember holding my emotions in until I got in the car and cried all the way home, I even stopped by our church where it was quiet and cried there too. I told her I told my mother and mom only told me they are just words.
My wife said words do hurt and I agreed. The difference is she never, ever even attempted to say she was sorry, not when she said it and not during our discussion.
Now I am I supposed to feel when she behaves that way? Its clear to me that my wife hasn't loved me for years. Why she still makes me dinner is beyond me. I told her this past August that she doesn't care for me at all at least since my son was born.
Hey, I have to go off to work, but slapping the kids is not OK, it is ongoing abuse, with no remorse, on the part of your wife, so you did the right thing. And you are doing the things that will save your marriage. Because it can only be saved by going through the fire of change. You have to stand tall, as one who knows what is right and does it, first. You will be the one who can change things for yourself, your kids, and your wife. Don't trust just my voice, trust your inner voice. You have plenty of validation in your course from those around you. Of course you aren't perfect and of course you have said things that you wish you could take back. But, don't believe the invalidator - the situation is not all your fault. Do not blame yourself just because they said you should. YOU know what you are doing that is right or wrong - choose to do what is right, take the high road, stay above it, but insist on change. You will succeed in making things better, either within your marriage or out of it.
I am so distraught on my poor decision of going to the police that I feel like throwing up. Is there a way that these posts can be sent to Michele? HELP, I'm DESPARATE
Rocco, stop secong guessing yourself. DYFS is going to get involved now, they have to. It will be a good thing. I would be careful who I told about doubling meds, too. I am sure the police know you only called back out of fear. So, let it happen, she will have to get some help, and you and your kids should have some peace of mind, too. Unhappy may be right, this could save your M. She may finally have to recognize her faults in this, and obviously if she cried for you last year, she has some feelings left. Maybe she doesn't know how bad she is, or maybe she just can't control it. My H has told me many things I did or said over the years, and some of them really made me think how I was behaving needed to change, because they were hurtful things. He said I made him feel dumb, even though never said he was dumb, actually I always told him he is smart, but part of what he is going through is a MLC, and he doesn't always see things clearly. Now I am not saying that to defend anything bad I have done or said, just to show that not everything has been as bad as he believes right now. I went through some tough stuff, like I was five months pregnant, and found out the baby had died, then a few years later, my father died. I was verey depressed, and sometimes I felt so alone, and my H didn't seem to be there to comfort me, although he defends it by saying that he drove me to the funeral. Well, of course that isn't what I meant. But, I went through some length of time where I was so sad and neglected him and our M. He thought I hated him (I didn't, not ever), would come stand in the doorway, we were in separate rooms, and would ask why I was so mean. I would say that he made me that way. he said he would go and cry and if I had ever come after him, I would have seen this. I felt so horrible when he told me this, I wanted the ground to swallow me up. I did a lot of soul searching and praying, and I asked for his forgiveness, but he says he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me. So, I have forgiven him his EA, but he won't forgive me, and I am trying my best to change, we are in the same bed for the first time in many many years, and I am giving him the affection he wants and needs, I am telling him and showing him how much I care about him and appreciate him. I send him notes in his lunch everyday, I hug and kiss him when he gets home in the evening. I snuggle with him when we watch tv. I defer to him on stuff now, ask his opinion on things, instead of just doing them. He may still be seeing the ow, but it isn't because I am not going what I am supposed to do as a wife. I think he has also changed the secret cell phone number, so I will think he has had it disconnected. So, I don't know if he is enjoying this new me, but still planning on leaving me for ow or not. I am hoping that he will start pulling away from her when he sees that we can have a great marriage, and that I will never be that mean, neglectful person ever again. So, you see Rocco, while I have never been physically abusive to him or our child,my H sees what I did in just as bad a light as you do your wife. I agree with him, but I also say that a wake up call may be the thing for her to see herself truly for the first time, like the discovery of an EA was a wake up call for me. Did they tell you when they would start to investigate? If you had to go to your mother's, could you? Would your job let you have time off to deal with this? Unhappy, I am glad that you started walking away from he verbal abuse. What did she do, what was the look on her face? Was she shocked that you actually got up and left the room? You are right to tell Rocco to trust his inner voice, I don't think he trusts anything right now. L
25yearsmlc, you are right, we do that about the other guy having bad intentions, and we have good intentions. My H has interpreted all the incidents over the years to my bad intentions, and his to good intentions, and when I try to explain my side, he says I am making excuses for bad behavior that I did on purpose. I try to say to him I was wrong for the things I have done, but that mostly what I did was get into some bad habits and neglected him and our M. I tell him I was not mean to him on purpose, but I now see that I was very mean. He says that if I say I know I was mean, then I did it on purpose. There were many times I apologized to him when I felt I was being unfair or mean, and we would go on. But he held in all those incidents and they have started coming back to him, and it shows he really holds a grudge. He was also mean to me alot, by acting as if what I had to say was unimportant, he would stand in the doorway, and look at his watch when I was telling him something. We agreed I would be a stay at home mother, but then every now and then over the years, he would say I was sponging off him, that he carried us all alone. We then agreed I would go back to work when our S was in middle school. I was planning on being a substitute teacher this year, because he is in eighth grade now, but I found all this out in July, and have been in my own hell for three months, unable to go forward with those plans right now. I will eventually, but it is hard just to concentrate in doing the things I am doing to show H I am changing my other behaviors, like keeping the house cleaner. So, it shows that even though we both have had some bad behaviors, I am taking the major responsibility for them, and because he was the one planning to leave, I am trying to hold us together, and praying that the ow is out of the picture or on the way out soon. You are also right that women would be advised to suck it up and deal with it, and stop blaming their H's. Cause I tell you when my H started blaming me for every single thing that he felt was wrong in our marriage, I was so hurt and still am, because he refuses to take any responsibility at all for his part in it. We have a marriage that can be saved it is just up to him whether he really wants to save it. He keeps saying he doesn't "feel it", yet, and wants to know how long it will take. I think with ow in the wings, he isn't wanting to feel it yet, but if I can overcome his resistance, and help him get over the resentment and enger and show him the bad me is gone, then if he really wants to be with me he will be. The ball is in his court. I will stand for my M at all costs. That is why I have told no one about it because I don't want my family or his tugging us this way and that. I just hope he realizes how his decision will affect not only he and I, but our S and our extended families. I agree about the splinter and the plank, and believe me it has been said more than once in our church lately. Even though he says I was so much worse than him, I accept it, because he isn't ready to see the plank in his eye. I have a rather large one in mine, though. mlc, I have read many of you posts and I am coming over today to get caught up on your sitch. L
Rocco, what did the police officer say when you called him back? Just try to calm down some, they will take care of it and you and the kids. It may be making you physically sick to think of what you have set in motion, but you know you did the right thing. Major decisions like this aren't entered into lightly, you have felt for some time you should do this, right? Where are you right now? At home or at work? Where is she now? Where are the kids? Just don't worry so much it will turn out okay.
