I have begun to do some of the things you suggest, verycrazy. A lot I learned from the 'Nasty People' book. For instance, I will leave a conversation when the emotional abuse begins. I just say "we can talk again when we can talk as two loving adults". Then I leave the conversation. This takes you away from the situation so you will not hear hurtful things (or say them). It puts you in control. In doing this, I have seen mixed results, but it has provoked change. Do not argue or mix it up when you hear things that challenge your boundaries as a person. Just go on with what you were saying or doing. You can say 'thank you for sharing that' or somesuch, and just keep going on with what you know is right. The controlling behavior will not work, and something else, anything else, will happen. So she gets resentful of you - she will get over it or she won't - its not your problem, it is hers. Do not put up with any physical abuse - excuse yourself or your kids from the situation. Take a walk, anything. Rob her of her ability to invalidate, strike fear, or control the situation.
