Married to a controlling wife

[Contyankee]

VeryCrazy,

You're right about my reaction because they enjoyed getting me angry. I was told the same thing in group therapy and from my therapist that to just smile and walk away. I did get defensive and I expected them to knock it off if I didn't want to discuss it because that is how I would be. My therapist told me they won't treat me with common courtesy because they don't know how and will not accept you for who you are.

I went to church during my lunch hour and the priest told me not to defend Jesus because He can take care of himself and if they don't amend their ways, they will PAY for it in the end. That is what you said too.

When I get really angry, I can't even think straight because I can't think of what to say when it first happens to me. To me, my attitude has begun to change, and in my mind, I have to treat them as if they were a BUG on a TREE in a different country.

But wife is still sharp with me when I am home. When my son was done with his shower, I started to go upstairs and told my so I will be right up, and the W responded, you're a day late and a dollar short. I ignored her, but its getting more and more difficult to ignore her and I am ready to just tell her to Drop Dead.

Again, thanks for your support.

Rocco

[verycrazy]

Rocco, please try to make it work, if you can, because we must suffer for what is right.
Take pictures of your S's face when she hits him, and keep them in a safety deposit box, they are pretty inexpensive, I got one for some of my stuff.
Yes, if she is really abusive to your S, call the police, maybe that will shake her up, or maybe it will cause her clan to form a circle around her and try to keep your kids from you.
How often does she do this? Is it daily or what? What preceeds this?
I am glad you are not biased against women, because we sometimes can admit our mistakes, and want to fix what we break.
Believe me I would never marry again, if it came to that, but because I believe in death do us part.
My H hasn't done alot of bad stuff to me, but this EA he is involved in has hurt me terribly. he has said things to me about how awful I am, some of it true some of it exaggerated. I can't get used to him now and then deciding he has to rehash the same old accusations, the same old situations in which I failed him. It hurts to sit there and take it while crying my heart out. I try not to cry when he says these things, because they all say H's don't want to see a whimpering weak W. I hop what you say is right, that our M is salvageable, because I don't think H has decided whether to leave me, because last month when we had a confrontation, he said he would leave when school was out for the yaer. Then later he said he had no plans to leave. So, I don't know where I stand with this. I know at one time he and ow were planning for him to leave me when son turns 17. or maybe that was the date they were going to have sex for the first time. I don't know, it was a date marked on a calendar, for "H's and ow"s date". I am not supposed to ask about things likie that, because it can set us back. You know though I heard something the other day that was so true, If God can resurrect his only son from death, he can resurrect your marriage from death, too. Hey, maybe when you start showing her that you aren't going to give her and her family the reactions they love, then maybe something positive can happen. It is a game with them, and you are the pawn, so stop being the pawn, and they can't play the game anymore. I am serious, try this tonight if they bait you and tell me what happens. L

[Contyankee]

Why should I have to suffer? The red in my Sons face doesn't last that long and then its gone. I wish my son would report it in school. My wife becomes violent when she has had a bad day and doesn't get her way. She throws basically, a temper tantrum. She has to be in charge and control everything.

That is a scary thought because my wife will lie and make stories up to my kids so they won't want to be with me. Sadly, I see that as a reality. I wish they were 17 or 18 so they would see how it is, but their too young to understand and this is what they know.

My marriage can't work because I was the one trying to make it work, but how much crap does one have to take? My wife and her family believe she is an angel, but to me, she is the angel of death. I'm worn down and exhausted.

I am tempted to find comfort with another woman just to punish her, but that would go against my faith and my integrity. Quite frankly, I don't care if she has sex with another man or men. My sister told me my W will never have another man in her life because nobody would put up with her nonsense and abusive behavior.

I have to agree with you about your statements about God. But my W is too PROUD, which is biggest Sin one can commit. Jesus can send all the help and graces to my W as much as He wants, but since humans have a free will, many reject His graces and side with Satan.

You know, the best course I ever took in college was a Philosophy course called "The Human Person." I had to take a Philosopy course and their were a few to choose from. But the Human Person talked a lot about the Soul.

My professor, a French Canadian, and not a priest said something in class I will never forget. He said,

Human Beings need to Feed themselves three things in order to survive, both physically, mentally and spiritually in order to suceed and have a happy life. They are:

1. Human Beings need to Feed their Body, otherwise they won't survive.
2. Human Beings need to Feed their Mind, to get a good education, a good paying job and things like that. However, many of them don't read the right things either which is not good.
3. Human Beings need to Feed their Soul, otherwise they will loose it. Sadly, the majority, the ones who are Proud and give themselves credit in what they do, not God, are spiraling down in the wrong direction.

My wife and family don't feed their souls.

Rocco

[verycrazy]

I mean we have to suffer spiritually sometimes. As soon as you see the red on S's face, take a picture. If you are with your kids more and take them places and interact with them, and do stuff with them around the house, they will see that it isn't true what she says about you. Are you letting them into your life? Do you work such long hours that you never see them? yes, I see that she is an awful person, but you have to rise above the crap she and her family fling at you. You are in a deep depression, it seems and can see no way out of it right now. Are you taking anything for it? I don't see how another w would do your frame of mind any good. It is adultery, hon, and that ain't right. I don't know what sin is the worst, unless it is to reject the salvation of Christ, but, except for that a sin is a sin to me, and all sins can be forgiven. You should try to stop being so afraid of her and her family. What is the worst they can do to you? Kill you? I doubt it. Make your life miserable? They are already doing that. Stop being so concerned with their souls, they know right from wrong, let God sort them out one day. You need to relax on that point, because they don't care anything about that at this point, and you can't shove it down their throats. Try to show some strength to her, don't go crawling away from her with your tail between your legs. She needs to see your strength. You said she becomes violent when she has a bad day, and has a temper trantrum.. How do these usually play out? Are you a captive audience of hers when she does this? Or could you just change one thing, by walking out of the room as though you had something that needed taken care of in another part of the house? Could you go ask the kids to go for a walk with you? Try something, I am serious or when you keep doing the same thing you will keep getting the same response over and over and over. You, know philosophy is all well and good, but it isn't helping you to do what you know you need to do. If you are unable to do it for yourself, do it for the kids, Just be a lion for the kids, they will appreciate it.

[verycrazy]

Rocco, I didn't mean that to sound harsh, so I am sorry if it did, but you really do need to stand up for yourself more, and pick your battles. You already know any discussion over religion is going to just hurt you and give them entertainment. and you know that your W's temper tantrums are awful for you, so please do something different this time, okay. Let me know how it goes. Unhappy, tell him how you have dealt with this stuff and is there anything he can do differently to get a different response this time? You two are almost in the same boat, although his seems to be sinking faster. I want to know that something I have said could help, but I am the one who is the bad wife. Trying to do better, but still. And has anything at all positive happened since you started taking more control? L

[Contyankee]

Well, I did something I never thought I woud do. Based on the advice of my therapist, group therapist, two priest, I filed a police report against my wife. I was scared to death and I did not want to mention my name or hers. But once I began the discussion, the officer said that I was not allowed to leave until I did.

I requested at this time, I did not want to file a restraining order and the police will only call me on my cell phone. Boy was I scared. I am still shaking from my decision and I hope I did the right thing. The officer told me I did because first of all, she should not slap your son in the face that hard to leave a red mark. She shouldn't slap your son in the face at all. He asked me and I told him I did nothing when my W did this and he agreed with me that I am as guilty as she is.

Secondly, I am tired of being treated so horribly by her and she sees nothing wrong with that behavior. I am living in fear as it is because of her terrible outburst if she has a bad day. I can't and shouldn't have to live like that. The officer asked if I feared for my life. I said no, but I am getting mentally and emotionally abused by her now, and she has hit me in the past.

I hope I did the right thing. What worries me to is now DYFS is going to get involved and I hope they don't contact home number. I told the officer to contact my cell phone only and hopefully DYFS will do the same thing. That is what scares me the most. Will DYFS call me or call the house.

I am so worried that I am having a panic attack right now and I don't have any meds for my panic attack.

The officer told me that DYFS will not remove the kids but will probably remove her. The officer said maybe this is the 1st step to light a fire under her ass to get the help she needs. She could have a chemical inbalance, Bi-Polar or any number of things.

I guess since I made this move, I probably sabatoged my marriage in the process. What do you think?

Rocco

[verycrazy]

Good for you, maybe she will get help now. DYFS will probably come to your house to investigate. They will most likely either make her leave, she can go to her family, but they will most likely leave the kids with you. If you asked them not to call your house, they will most likely just call your cell, but did the police tell DYFS that?
Yeah, you did probably sign the death warrant on your marriage, if she doesn't get the help she needs and then the whole family gets help and she wants to finally face up to her responsibility in everything, and really wants to reconcile with you. But she will probably get court ordered therapy of some sort, I guess.
Can you take the kids somewhere until the police do their thing? Good Luck, things should hopefully start to get better now, at least with you and the kids not having to be afraid all the time. Just watch out for her family, they could use your history against you, so get a lawyer and be prepared. L

[Contyankee]

I hope I did the right thing. Both of my therapist, two priest, my mom, and 2 friends told me I should file a police report. You are not living in a safe marriage to begin with and you won't be because your W will never change. They all said to take care of myself first and then the children.

My children are love their mother more then me and are much closer to her then they are to me. So if something happens to remove her from the house, they will be devastated.

I should have postponed what I did this evening. I have my frist therapy session with a DB Coach this Saturday and I should have run it by her first. But what is done is done. What I really should have done, but didn't think about it was ask the police officer at my job. I am an employee of the State of New Jersey. If I ran it by the officer at work, I would have asked the same questions and probably would not have filed if he told me I would have to give my name, w's name and address.

Rocco

[verycrazy]

Don't second guess yourself, you went with your gut, and did what you felt you had to do, so just stop worrying about it for now. Your children will be hurt, but if you tell them mommy is sick, and she needs help and can't be around them so much for awhile, they should understand better. Like you said what is done is done. You never know, this may the the catalyst for some major changes in her. Good Luck and let us know what happens.
Unhappy, where are you tonight? Come here and help. L

[25yearsmlc]

Folks,

I read your posts and felt horrified by what you were describing, and sad for you. But then I realized that if a bunch of women wrote such things about the men they married and STAYED with all these years, we'd tell them to take some dang responsibility for THEIR lives, to GAL, and stop the blame game. You all say your wives blame you for all the problems.....gee, wanna look in the mirror a bit? I know, not all of you do that. But the biblical quote about a plank and a splinter in the eye, comes to mind.

Besides, if ALL the things you say are true, either stay for the kids where applicable and forgive, or get out. Are you reading the DB books, or wanting a place to justify your desire to walk out on the M's?

Sorry about your pain but I have to say, I started to read your notes again, and pretended you were all women, and that's when something in me decided to speak up about it. I could be way off, it's all imho.
j-