I want to say that I am learning alot from both of you. I am learning that my actions, and my lack of appreciation, and my neglect, have really caused my H alot of pain, anger, resentment and contributed to his getting invloved with ow. I am seeing two extreme cases here, and know I will never get to that point, although I have been controlling, I have compassion for my H, and the pain I caused over the years. If there is any way that could truly convince him that I have changed and am continuing to change, I would do it. I am showing H more respect, and I feel that he is starting to respond in small ways. I don't know how much he is still contacting ow, but although I am very bitter about that, I don't mention ow to H, or try to give much thought to her. I am hoping as I drwa him closer to me and our family, he will pull away from her. Unhappy, I don't understand why your W wouldn't want the kids to know about your raise and promotion. That is something that they should know, as it will make them proud of their daddy, and kids are naturally a little greedy anyway. But so what, they should get benefit from you making more money. Our S knows when income tax time is and knows we get alot of money back, so of course he wants something, and he as part of the family gets it. Kids shouldn't have to be kept out of stuff like that. To me it sounds like she was the greedy one who wanted the extra money to maybe spend as she saw fit. I want my H's raise to go towards getting us out of credit card debt. My H said I kept our S away from his parents over the years, but we also have tons of pictures of him there with them. I know when he was a baby, I had a hard time leaving him with anybody, because it took eight years to have him, and I guess I held on very tightly. My H always said I was a great mother, though. I have been trying to make up as much as I can, and suggest times for S to spend lots of time with them. MIL and FIL are actually recognizing the changes in me and commented to H about them, and said they like the new me. I have not tried to keep S from experiencing funerals or visitations, even though I was traumatized at a young age by one. We just explained like you did about what would happen, and that S didn't have to go up to view the person. He actually chose to go up each time to see the person! I am wondering what you could differently to deal with your W, Unhappy, maybe when she starts to criticize or complain, you could tell her that you would like to hear her solutions to the problem. Maybe there is some way to take the wind out of her sails. I am sorry about your mother, that's really tough to lose a mother, especially when their is no support from your W. Rocco, I think you should try to do more to keep the kids out of her way when she is in a foul mood, maybe even sit them down for a talk about what mommy is going through, and tell them to come to you when they sense a bad mood coming on. About the Da Vinci code, I am not Catholic, but I still find that whole thing offensive, too. You don't tell people that their Christ did those things, when we know he never married or had a child. But, I will say one thing, your reaction to it is all wrong. don't go on the defensive when they attack you on these matters. When they say have you gone to see the da vinci code, just smile and say I don't care for fairytales. And tell your W you owe nobody apologies for anything, her family and extended family needs to get a life and stop trying to control yours. And tell her when she tries to demand apologies from you for them, tell her that you were stating your mind and will not back down from what you believe. Congrats on your degree, and you obviously have a lot of strength somewhere to get through school. So, put some of it to use to stop being put on the defensive with them. Find new ways to answer, because they already know how to get a rise out of you, and they know exactly how you will answer each and every time. Stop it, because Jesus doesn't need to be defended from people who know better. They know what they are doing is wrong, but can't seem to stop. So, give them reactions that show you are not concerned about what they say, because in the end they will PAY for what they are doing in this world. I can see you have a little sarcasm in you, because you said you were a man short in a man to man talk with BIL. so, put some of that wit to use and plan it out if you have to, and see if they don't know what hit 'em. Try it tonight and tell us what happened. I am just saying from a female perspective what would work with me from my H. I think a little tough love for me is sometimes warranted from him. Good Luck to us all! L
