"I always related myself with the Velveteen rabbit, who wasn't real till somebody loved him. When I met my H, I felt real for the first time ever, and if I lose him I might as well go back to not being real again. "

>> I wonder if at times something like this is at the root of my wife's insecurity. What I learned in my situation, with the help of many friends, is that my worth as a person does not depend on how much I feel others love me, especially when those others express such negative vibes sometimes. Whatever happens, you will be 'real' and you can start by being OK with yourself, and loving yourself first.

"My H says I have emotionally and mentally abused him. He says it is all part of the controlling I did."

Has your husband spent time forgiving these wrongs he perceives? Has he written them down, prayed about them, and put them in a place of safety? If he thinks you hurt him, it is essential he work on forgiveness. Just writing them down can help - I spent a lot of time just trying to forgive the past so I can focus on what I need to do in the future. You (and your husband) cannot walk in unforgiveness and move forward.

"Tell me what could you tell your wife that would make her want to change?"

>> Sorry, I have not found this yet. In my case, I will have to grab for any control I want - I don't foresee my wife willingly offering any of it. I don't think the issues she has are dealt with just because we bought a car. I do foresee much more work ahead before we are on a footing as two adults in a relationship.

I don't know the details of your husbands emotional affair. I have a hard time drawing the line between a friendship and an emotional affair in any case. I do sense you blame yourself for whatever happened. If what he did was clearly wrong, I would not necessarily blame yourself for it. He does have responsibility and should seek your forgiveness and be building your trust. Don't beat yourself down and think you are all of the fault - that is seldom true and is self defeating in any case. The fact is, you and your husband are both human beings, prone to faults and weakness but also capable of joy, graciousness, strength, and creativity. If you both are able to relate on the basis of these positive things, things can turn around for you.