I have been married 22 years to a woman who had always treated me like a child. I have 2 children, ages 19 and 17. My wife withholds access to money and transportation, refusing to allow me carry a credit card, or have a car, and fighting like tooth and nails when I try to affect change. She is very critical on a constant basis, of both large and small things. When I switched employers, she harangued me for 5+ years, telling me to 'go back to my job' and that I was 'a bad provider', even though I make a 6 figure income. My wife refuses to listen to what I say, and refuses to get advice or counseling from anyone. She only keeps her own counsel. I have looked at sites that describe 'emotional abuse' and 'excessive controlling behavior' and my situation fits these descriptions closely. Our marriage is largely sexless, and there is little love left. I really never matured as a person before getting married (I am 42 now) and there was not a lot of love in the first place. There is none left in my heart now. I think my wife and I both expected to split 'once the kids were grown' and had even talked of divorce. This will be harder for her, as she has few friends, no career, etc, and resists my attempts to encourage her to make friends or go to school, claiming that she is 'too busy' or that 'she is just the maid'. I am sure my behavior has not always been the best, I share fault, too, but in any case the relationship has not been healthy for a long time. I have never had an affair, never abused her. She is the only person in my life who ever has a problem with my behavior, and she has constant problems with it. Neither of my sons has 'normal' relationships with girls, because I think they have viewed our relationships through the years and been affected. My communication attempts with my wife about the problems always end in blame. My wife has a very hostile relationship with my younger son, which has, at times, resulted in shouting and shoving, but this has subsided in recent months. Our home has dents in the walls from these encounters.
I had resigned myself to a bad situation, even though I probably should addressed it years ago, but events of the past six months have brought it to a head. A have become emotionally close with a lady, a single mom, aged 52, that I have known for a couple of years through the kid's school. The relationship is a very close friendship. We describe each other as 'best friends' and talk about everything, though bashing my wife or complaining about my marriage is 'off limits'. My friend is a big supporter of my marriage and I support her other relationships. It is not a secret relationship. My wife knows as do my friends, but I can't say my wife is comfortable with it. My friend and I are very affirming to each other, and yes, she meets emotional needs that have never been met in my marriage even from the start. I cannot fathom cutting myself off from my newfound emotional support to go back to the lonely hell of my marriage. It is not a sexual relationship, but the attraction is present and is mutual. I have to admit, if it were possible, my friend and I would make a great couple. Seeing how this interaction between my friend and I works has opened my eyes to just how much more there could be in a relationship. It has 'rocked my world', so to speak, and brought me to this decision point. Even if I did get out, it is not clear to me that my friend and I would get together, so I will not base my decision on that. But, right now, she is available and I wonder if I should think about the timing, to lay hold of a possible great relationship, or at least keep the door open for it.
As far as the prognosis for my marriage, I don't think we can get far unless my wife agrees to confront the issues, but she hasn't. I no longer put up with the verbal abuse - I tell her that, if she is going to communicate that way, I will not take it. We just end up arguing and she blames me. I told my son that if he were emotionally abused again, I would keep him safe and leave. At this point I really just want out. I don't want to look back 20 years from now having stayed in a nasty relationship when something more is out there, whether with my friend or with another. I wrote letters to both my wife and my friend, to get my feelings out, and came to the conclusion that I really wanted an excuse to leave. I know, if I get out, I should take time to heal before embarking on another relationship. I believe my friend would stay friends and wait for me while I did so, but who knows. Maybe my friends role will be done as she has shown me what I am missing, even if my future is not with her. My pastor acknowledges the extreme control issue and advises me to 'make my own decision' and says I am probably justified whatever I do.
I have done extensive web searching, but have not really come across a situation similar to mine, which is why I decided to post it.
My suggestion to you would be to buy 2 copies of the 'Divorce Remedy'. You read one copy and try to get your wife to read the other. If she will not read it, maybe it would just help you understand what is going on and you could give the other copy to someone else who needs help.
The ride is over. M 38 WAW 39 08/06 out to give WAW space Bomb 10/06 Back Home 2/07 New Bomb 4/17/07 WAW out 06/07 Trying again 09/07 Another Bomb 11/23/07 WAW moved back home 12/14/07 WAW moved back out 2/2/08 D 12 S 9
Wow unhappy...sounds like your W had issues growing up....my advice....if you want to even think about doing something with this M...use the last resort technique in the divorce busting book by Michelle Weiner-Davis.....what do you want to do?
Will you have any regrets walking away at this point? Do you want to give it one last try? It sounds like she is ripe for some 180s. Has she always been this controlling or did it develop over time?
It has always been this way. I grew up in a home where my mother was somewhat like this, though not as disparaging. I guess I was far too young to know what to look for or to know myself. As far as regrets, I would say, no, not regrets. Maybe some trepidation about being out on my own, but not regrets. Most who hear my story tell me to move on and salvage what I can while I still have some years left. A few tell me to try some drastic measures. I just don't think there is much to fight fore here, or ever has been.
My program now is to first begin by taking control of the things I need to, like the money, the car, etc. My wife can either come along for the ride and pull some fast 180s, or she will watch me disappear into the sunset. I will support her to go to counseling with me if she wants to reverse course. Verbal abuse will be met with a firm 'no, we aren't going to do that anymore'.
Once the boys observe a little firmness and the control issues are dealt with, I will reevaluate the situation. I don't want to slink away from my home from a position of weakness. I will end the marriage, if necessary, from a position of strength. If my wife wants a man like that, we will see if anything is workable at that point. If she doesn't, well, I can't imagine someone else falling in love with a wimp, so I better learn to not act like one in any case.
For my first step, I announced it was time to get a car, and bought it. She chose to be a part of the process rather than just watch me do it, so that was a good outcome.
Okay, my sitch is a lot like yours. I found out my H was having an EA three months ago. It is with ow who is a few years older than him. I told him I would forgive him and wanted to work on the M.. He said he holds a lot of resentment for me, because I was controlling. I told him I no longer wanted control. What I didn't tell him was that when we were first together, he knew I had a lack of confidence and self-esteem, and he built me up and when we got M, he helped me become more confident. Then he turned everything over to me. I became a controlling person, when I got so much more confident in our M. I kept waiting for him to step in and take control more, but he didn't. I would have loved for him to be more assertive as the leader of our house, but he would defer to me alot. I would say when it was time to but new appliances, or I would haggle over the price of a car. I enjoyed some of this, but I always knew in my heart, he was the leader, not me, and I wanted to be more passive, but it got to be that he would always say whatever when a decision had to be made. We talked about colors to paint the house, and he said it would be my way most likely. I said what color would you like. he said I don't know. so, with no input or opinion on his part, we did nothing, and the house still needs painting, the siding needs repair, the AC needs coolant. Now we can't afford all these things at once, so I thought we could do some things ourselves and save money, but he isn't interested in anything except keeping the grass cut. So, over the years we have sometimes neglected each other and he has apparently resented me silently for the most part, although he said if I had come after him sometime, I would have seen him crying. I feel so bad about all this. If my H were like you and really wanting to work at saving the M (he says he is trying), I would be so happy. I don't want to be in control, I want to be the wife, not the H. I want his decisions to be what we do. I want a strong man as my H. I told him I give up control to him. Please take it, but he is so reluctant to decide on anything right now. Since you are on the other side of this, please give me your insight on this, and what a W can do actively to help her H see that she wants him to be the leader. I will admit when he has taken control somewhat in the past few weeks, I have admired him so much for it. Thanks for reading this, and I hope some insight can come from both sides to help us both. L
Your husband sound like he has given up, or maybe never wanted a part of the decisions. Have you looked at your verbal communication style - how you come across with the things you say? Do you say things that are belittling, like 'you won't be allowed to do that anymore'? Do you tend to fight for your ground when things are not going the way you think they should? Is it 'your way or the highway'. If there are these negative communications it can silently say 'you are less than me' when you might be actively saying you want hhim to step up. Graciousness - being willing to admit your own faults, willing to admit when you were wrong, can go a long way. This is totally missing in my wife, who tends to come across as if she is always right, while I am always at fault. Are you critical of big or little things? What is the content of your communication - affirmation, criticism? Being critical all the time also tends to beat a man down, and he will blame himself, and feel he needs to give in on everything to 'keep the peace'. Has there ever been a big decision you disagreed on? Did it go your way or his. If it wane his way, did you put it behind you or keep revisiting it afterward?
I think he was for years relieved that I took over paying bills, and keeping up with things and making small decisions, because he didn't have to worry about them. he says I acted like I was smarter than him. I always told him he was smart, but he persisted in saying I thought I was smarter. He now says I acted like he was stupid. I never said that, ever. But somehow, he got that impression. I used to express my disapproval for things he did that I didn't like, or firends that I didn't care for, like some who were still into drugs, and some I just didn't care for, but I never said he couldn't see them, but he didn't like that they didn't come over to the apartment or our house. I Never said it was my way or the highway, if he put his foot down, I would comply. But he almost never put his foot down. I guess I was over critical, and he used those words, beaten down to describe himself. The only time a big decision was disagreed on was our house. He wanted all brick and I didn't care, I wanted a house in a great, safe location. He wanted those things, too, but when we saw this house, we both fell in love with it, and wouldn't you know it is siding. He told me recently, he didn't want a house with siding, but he didn't say anything back then about not getting this house. Now we have siding issues. I told him he was right, that brick would have been better. So, I think he blames me for that problem, too, but he seemed to want this house, too. Mostly our decisions center around our S, we usually agree on discipline, except he said I would step in and defend our S against him sometimes. I told him that I hoped he noticed that I have backed off that, and let them deal with it themselves. So, He tells me to go ahead with stuff like where we go on vacations, and things like that, he will put in his opinion, and I will go from there. I can argue very well, though, and he says you can't win an argument with me. I told him I didn't want to win any more arguments, I just wanted to be a good wife. I have, whenever he has told me of something else he has remembered from overe the years, that I was sorry about it, and I would always seek to do better. I know I have failed as a Christian wife, and that I have begged his forgiveness. He said he doesn't know if he will ever be able to forgive me. I am grateful he is still going to church with us, so I am hoping something the preacher or one of the teachers says, will make him see that he should try to forgive me and let me make it up to him and work on our M. I am just at a point where I don't know how to talk to him, except to apologize or say I am trying, or to say I will spend the rest of my life making it up to him. If your wife was to step back and allow you to be the leader of the family, how would you react? My H has said maybe he should have put his foot down long ago, I agree whole heartedly. I now wish he had. L
