I had a really interesting experience the other night. I think it was Saturday night and both my W and I had long days. I didn't expect, nor did I particularly want to ML that night (ok, hold back your venom...I know how bad that sounds after all this...trust me, it will get worse as the story goes on...sorry in advance) since we've been doing it VERY often lately (see, told ya so).
SO, I went to bed before W, not for any reason but just because I was tired and she still had a few things to do, and I secretly found myself almost wishing her to come to bed a bit later...then it hit me like a 1000 tons of bricks.
I was having deja-vu. I had that feeling before but I couldn't place it. I could have sworn I'd done this before.
The brick was that I realized that I WAS THE ONE ALL THESE YEARS THAT DIDN'T WANT TO ML AS MUCH, NOT MY W. Holy crap.
What I was feeling Saturday night was the same exact feeling I had MANY, MANY, MANY nights of our marriage. I was tired and not very interested in $ex so instead of being direct about it and saying I was tired, etc, I tried to project those feelings on her, assuming she was tired, didn't want to ML, etc. Then, when she came to bed, probably feeling nothing of the sort and things "happened" my heart wasn't in it and things went badly.
Still, I managed to put that on her. In my head, it was always her making me initiate that was the problem, or her general lack of "participation" that caused the experience to be less than great.
Never did it occur to me until two nights ago, that MY attitude and MY level of desire could be to blame for much of our strain in the bedroom.
OMG.
I can only see this now because of how different things have been since we've started MLing again. I am full of desire and expressing that. She is returning the favor but it's MY desire, MY passion, that is the catalyst for much of that. I don't mind that at all. Notice I said CATALYST, not reason. I jump start her sometimes but she's more than equally participating once going. Then there are those more and more frequent times when she actually initiates...wow.
What bothers me is how, all this time I was so sure it was HER that caused all our issues. It was HER SD that was the issue. So not only was I maybe not stepping up to the plate so-to-speak, but I was not being honest to her OR me about it when I didn't.
Wow. Talk about passive/aggressive.
BTW, I KNOW it was not 100% my fault but as we always talk about, DB and growing in general is about SELF-discovery and you can't "self-discover" someone else.
GH
P.S. BTW, because of my realization, I decided to actually THINK about what I wanted and I discovered that I was foolish to pass up a roll in the sack with my beautiful wife, as I'm sure you were all thinking there in the beginning...so I didn't pass it up.
