Oops, we must have cross-posted CM. I missed this one...
Quote: I guess I want you to tell me that my pursuit of anger will subside if I continue practicing being more passive? Not a good day in the land of CM
NO. Your anger will subside for two reasons. First, because you recognize that NOBODY and NOTHING can CAUSE you to be angry. Anger is YOUR reaction to a stimuli. The example a book I read once used is a traffic jam. If there were things that could MAKE you angry, then they would affect everyone the same. In the case of the traffic jam, take two drivers, both late for work. One gets angry, yells at the other drivers, curses his bad luck, yells, screams, and generally freaks out while another driver simply recognizes he has little control over the situation and just calmly calls in to work telling them he'll be late, turns up the music to drown out the noise of the a$$hole yelling at everyone next to him and waits for things to clear up.
The point is, you CAN react differently to a situation but certain sitches are triggers for your anger and it's those sitches you really need to learn to watch out for and DECIDE to react without anger to.
Second, your anger will subside because you understand, just like driver #2 in the above scenario, that you have NO CONTROL over certain things and getting angry DOES NO GOOD FOR ANYONE, ESPECIALLY YOU!
It has nothing to do with being passive. Just because you don't act like a jerk when something happens you don't like doesn't mean you're passive. Passive just means you are not doing ANYTHING. What you need to learn to do is SOMETHING different than being angry.
Quote: For example this morning I wanted to drive by her apt. b/c she is supposed to take the kids tonight, yet she has been needing her "rest" so much that she's not sure she will be able to. My thinking is if she needed her rest, why is she staying over at the OM's house? So I was looking to get angry and start an argument.
Why? Can you see that this kind of thing, LONG before the affair, etc, was probably a big part of the problem. Instead of being supportive/compassionate, you get angry because she is not doing what you expect her to do, or more importantly, what YOU would do in a similar sitch.
She needs her rest because she is under a TREMENDOUS amount of stress, probably a bit depressed and is looking for an escape. Certainly talking to YOU in not any help because you just pass judgment so talking to OM, who probably gives her a shoulder to cry on and says everything is going to be ok, or sleeping seems to be the best options.
Maybe if your anger was not the main reaction you had in certain cases, she would be more likely to open up to you. This was a HUGE issue in my marriage and one that once overcome, made a BIG difference in how we communicated. Even now I have to remind my W that I no longer get defensive or angry at certain things...and she knows it too.
CM, you just have to learn to take charge of yourself and quit placing the blame for how YOU FEEL on her. You feel the way you do because you choose to.
I tried something in the middle of my sitch, when the affair was still going strong and things were NOT good. I was crying daily and one day I just decided I would NOT cry. I would NOT let myself get upset over this thing I was not in control of. You know what? It worked. I was able to will myself to react differently to the situation. Mind you, it didn't last long, but it lasted long enough for me to see what was possible if I TRULY wanted it.
That brings me to my last point, one I have made more than once around here. I think that, myself included, LBS often get used to the pain. They get used to the drama. They get used to the anger to the point where it becomes a comfort to them. It's an entitlement they have. They're entitled to be upset all the time, look what she/he did to me.
The REAL changes come when we take the risk to let go of the comfort the pain gives us and begin to WANT to be happy more than we want to be "right" or "angry" because trust me, those two things are what I wanted more than most anything for several months.
You have to WANT this bad enough to abandon your sense of entitlement. She DID do something to hurt you but you continue to re-inflict that wound because to do otherwise suggests you are "over it". It does not suggest that, it suggests you are learning to take responsibility for your own happiness and the first step to doing that is to let go of being unhappy.
