Moving forward...GH Saga moves to Piecicing!

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

GH-

The problem with me was that I always was SO afraid my W would reject me, laugh at me, not take me seriously when I said/did certain things because I was CONVINCED that she didn't see ME as a sexual person at all.

Just like your W, my W was sure I wasn't turned on by her. She has body issues to begin with and projected them onto me, thinking that I must not be attracted to her because of how things were (not much sex, kissing, intimacy in general). I only found all this out after things turned the corner. Before that, I simply thought she just didn't like sex and was so beaten down by what I perceived as her rejecting me all the time (come to find out you actually have to TRY to do something before you can be rejected). Nothing could be farther from the truth.


Good Lord. This applies to me so much. She has even asked me if I could see why others would find her attractive after all this has happened. W has told me that she has "body image" issues and that I didn't know how to be intimate.

I did not have the ability to express myself to her without that fear of rejection. And part of her body image issues did start to rub off on me and I began thinking that I wasn't attractive to her. When she left she told me that we didn't have any sexual chemistry and we never had that chemistry. And, I hate to say that I believe that she has always equated sex with love and the sense of being needed.

I have no idea where I'm going with this b/c I am blown away right now by what you have posted. I have viewed my issues in the past R w/ my W and I was seeing my side in part of it. Now this has opened up a whole new can of worms for me and lets me know I have more work to do on me.....for my W or whomever.

Thank you.

[sofaraway]

Hey Grasshopper, thanks for the input and advice. I am always interested in your opinions. I stopped by to let you know that a good friend of mine has done really well in Newcomers and his sitch is coming together nicely. He has decided to move over to piecing, because his W has agreed to work on things and put it back together. He is struggling with the steps needed to do the piecing work and so I suggested that he have you help him along with advice. He has posted already under the name Jersting so if you could check out his post that would be great.

Thanks,

Ian

[grasshopper]

No problem CM.

This is a bit to you and a bit journaling.

My W did something last night that I don't remember her doing...well...maybe ever.

She was tired from the night before when I had a job and she was left to look after the boys and clean the entire house. She tried to get it all done so we could have the day on Sunday to do something fun as a family. She was in a great mood when I got home on Saturday and in another first, actually THANKED me for going out and trying to earn a bit more money for Christmas. Usually she is not only unappreciative, but resentful that I go out, even if it's to work. I was SO happy to hear that and thanked her as well for her work in the house, as I always do (I express love in my secondary language of Words of Affirmation...guess she's finally learning to do so as well).

Anyway, long story short, yesterday morning she woke up in a mood. She said she was just tired but I didn't let it go. I was a bit of an a$$ because I really hoped she would be as "positive" as she was the night before. Expectations will kill you 100% of the time. Luckily for me, I recognized what was happening and pulled myself up pretty quickly.

The funny part was that she was beat all day, and into the night. When she came to bed at around midnight, sex was the...well, maybe not the LAST thing on my mind, but I was not trying at all. I knew she was tired and probably wanted a break (sorry ya'll, it's been VERY frequent for the past month+, much more so than ever in our R before). After I gave her a back-rub and was winding down, she rolled over and directly asked me for sex. WOW. I was shocked and actually told her so. I said I was trying to be nice and give it a rest. She smiled and the rest is history.

I guess all this time, ten years or thereabout, I have been dead wrong about my W. She seems to have a greater drive than I do and it's not a recent development. She seems to have wanted this all along and NOT getting it was the first seed that was planted in her "falling out of love" with me.

Damn if this wasn't the biggest communication gap in history. Two people wanting the same thing all this time. Damn, all that lost time.

CM, at least in my case, my intimacy issues were much more about being afraid to express myself than not knowing how to be intimate. Once I learned to just be direct and open to my W, the rest came relatively easily. I knew what to do, it was the getting there that was the problem.

It will happen for you. Just give it time.

GH

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Well GH. I hope it does happen. But, the way it is looking in my sitch it might be with someone else. I can at least try with whomever it is to be open, honest and direct with them/her.

What a revelation for you last night. I'm very happy (and jealous) for you!

[xuesheng]

WOW!!!

[grasshopper]

CM,

But, the way it is looking in my sitch it might be with someone else.

Why do you say that?I read up on your tread and nothing seems to be indicating the end is near, or at least nothing more than usual. I think you seem to be doing fine.

Lemme know if there is anything else I can help with right now.

GH

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

Thanks GH..I will. I'm always looking for input/advice. Especially from one of the "Masters" of the board.

It does seem as though the rush to get it done has slowed down a bit with my W. And the rush to "get it done" has seemed to have picked up with your W....but in an entirely different way!

[Mamabear]

Hey GH,
I have to be honest here and tell you how jealous I am. OT would be SO proud of you as she is a huge believer of direct communication!! You may have to write your own book

[grasshopper]

Mama,

I know, I know. I feel bad sometimes, especially now that I am writing as if I have some kind of answer. I have the answers that worked for me and many of them are directly from the books, others are not, and may just be due to quirks with me and my W, who knows.

I do owe a WHOLE lot of my success to OT. I didn't like the WAY she said some of the things she did but then again, that was largely due to my own discomfort with direct communication.

I am still not that good at it and find myself beating around the bush a lot. My old anger and P/A behavior have surfaced a bit here in the last week but the difference between now and before is that I now can recognize the "bad" behavior and instantly know how to correct it. I don't always DO it, but I know how and if there comes a time like this past Sunday when I act like an a$$, at least I know when to stop and how to apologize.

Mama, like you said before things turned the corner for me, I am SO waiting for you to have that breakthrough. I want it for you almost as much as you want it for yourself.

Please, keep the faith and keep growing. It's all you can do until he starts to REALLY turn, and I do think he will.

GH

[Tiara Boy (CM)]

My old anger and P/A behavior have surfaced a bit here in the last week but the difference between now and before is that I now can recognize the "bad" behavior and instantly know how to correct it. I don't always DO it, but I know how and if there comes a time like this past Sunday when I act like an a$$, at least I know when to stop and how to apologize.

We all know my anger issues but like you I am starting to recognize them and deal with them properly. It's like I'm always looking for excuses to start an argument. For example this morning I wanted to drive by her apt. b/c she is supposed to take the kids tonight, yet she has been needing her "rest" so much that she's not sure she will be able to. My thinking is if she needed her rest, why is she staying over at the OM's house? So I was looking to get angry and start an argument.

I am learning to apologize little by little. I guess I want you to tell me that my pursuit of anger will subside if I continue practicing being more passive? Not a good day in the land of CM!